Real World Read online

  Teru never says anything about me playing around with guys. I think maybe he’s jealous, wanting to do the same himself. Gay guys like regular guys, just like girls. In that sense it’s a shame that we can’t go to Shibuya together and get picked up, ’cause we get along so well.

  I’m in these two groups because I feel like I belong right in the middle between them. Toshi, Terauchi, and Yuzan are nice girls, but they’re so serious sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel kind of on edge, like I’ve always got to say something clever or they’ll make fun of me. Which doesn’t mean I think the same way as the other group, that you can kind of just muddle through life. I want to study and get into a decent college and get a good job. When it comes time to marry, it’s got to be somebody I really like, and my partner’s got to love me most of all. That said, this is the best time of my life, so I figure I’d better enjoy it and not get all hung up on the consequences.

  Two other girls in this Good Times group are in the same year as me in school. They come to school with dyed hair and makeup, like they’re announcing the fact that they’re out for a good time. They figure if they flaunt it, the guys will flock to them. I find this all kind of courageous and their flirtiness kind of sneaky. I’m more the serious and “healthy” sexy high school girl—which, I guess, makes me courageous and sneaky, too. We want to get guys to pay attention to us, and when we’re together we help each other stand out. That’s probably why we get along so well. When I run across those girls at school, though, they don’t say anything to me. We pretend to be strangers and signal each other with glances. If we have something we want to talk about, we do it by cell phone or text message. It’s a secret relationship, in other words.

  So the friends I can meet in front of everyone are Toshi, Terauchi, and Yuzan—our little foursome—but it’s much more complicated than that, ’cause I have underground roots branching out in lots of directions. What I talk about changes depending on the type of friends I’m with.

  The Good Time girls never talk about the future or anything even remotely serious. It’s clothes, makeup, and guys, twenty-four/seven. With Toshi, Terauchi, and Yuzan I can talk about school, college, but when it comes to discussing guys, I can’t talk with them, and don’t want to, either. So each group is kind of one-sided. I guess Teru’s the one who overlaps with both.

  Teru says he can relax with me ’cause he doesn’t see me as the opposite sex. We’re such good friends that, like I said before, we even joke about pretending to be married, but Teru said if we did that he’d worry about what’d happen if we were both after the same guy. That’ll never happen, I told him. That kind of situation would only make both of us unhappy, so I’d never do it. “You wouldn’t do it, either, right?” I insisted, and got him to promise. I did this because when I was a freshman I had a terrible experience. A guy betrayed me.

  There was this guy I was crazy about. I could talk about everything with him—what I wanted to be when I was older, problems I was having, even chatty stuff like clothes and hairstyles. Talking with him made me feel free, like all the bad things about me didn’t matter and everything was on a positive track. As long as he was with me I felt like I didn’t need girlfriends for the rest of my life. Maybe I never would have become friends with Teru, either. But he slept with another high school girl and when I found out we fought and split up.

  When I think about him now I get all sad and teary. I guess I really did love him. When we were having sex, I could barely keep myself from yelling out, “I love you! I love you!” Still, getting stabbed in the back like that was the first crushing experience I’ve ever had. I’m sure Toshi and the others have never experienced that. When things were going well with that guy, I felt completely superior, like I was a grown-up woman. And I wish I could get that feeling back.

  One time when we were eating lunch together I asked the other girls for their advice. I was desperate and wanted see what my three serious friends might have to say about the situation.

  “I have this friend,” I began, “and she’s going out with a boy from a city high school. She says he’s a senior and pretty busy studying for college entrance exams, but he’s also in a band, plays soccer, does everything well, and is cute, too. This girl says they really get along well and have even exchanged rings.”

  Terauchi plunged in at this point: “How far have they gone?”

  Toshi answered for me. “Of course they’ve done it. They’ve exchanged rings and everything.”

  “Dude. By getting along do you mean sex?”

  “I guess so.”

  “You mean they’re compatible size-wise?”

  “Or maybe like how passionate they are?”

  After Terauchi and Toshi finished their little dialogue, they looked at me. They were very intuitive, so I had to watch my step. I went on, hiding my confusion.

  “So, anyway, the guy slept with another girl. And my friend just can’t forgive him, and it’s really hard on her. The guy says he was just having a fling, it didn’t mean anything, that she’s the only one he loves. But my friend can’t believe him. It’s really tough on her, she’s so miserable she feels like her chest is going to rip apart, so she can’t forgive him. She asked for my advice about what she should do, but I have no idea what to tell her.”

  Toshi had this weird look on her face. “How did she find out he was having an affair? Did she catch them in the act, like in a drama?”

  “There were tons of gushy e-mails on his cell phone from the other girl. About fifty every day.”

  “So you’re saying this ‘friend’ of yours checked her boyfriend’s cell phone.”

  The best I could do was nod. “That’s what she told me.”

  “That sucks,” Toshi declared. “Checking somebody’s else’s cell phone really sucks.”

  “But if she really loves him, don’t you think she might do something like that?”

  I was on the verge of crying. Toshi looked surprised but went on vaguely: “Well, you could be right. That might happen, I suppose. I don’t know, I never liked any guy that much.”

  Taking a sip from her water bottle, Terauchi made a sour face. “If this friend can’t forgive him for the affair, why doesn’t she just forget about him? There’re lots of other guys out there.”

  “Sure there are other guys out there,” I said, “but my friend loves him. So what do you expect? She got worried and checked out his text messages. She loves him so much—that’s why she’s in agony wondering whether she should forgive him or not.”

  “What she should do is forgive him, for the time being, then make some prank calls to the other girl to get back at her. Payback.”

  Up to this point, Yuzan hadn’t said a word, so when she muttered this I was shocked. I’d already done what she suggested a long time ago.

  “That’s an idea. I’ll pass it along,” I said.

  “I don’t think she should do that. It’ll just make her feel dirty, and she’ll hate herself.” Toshi shook her head. She always comes up with the right answer. She was absolutely right. I was already struggling with a guilty conscience. When I told the other girl she was ugly, she yelled back this: “You idiot! You’re just angry ’cause I stole Wataru away from you!” So it was obvious I’d called her out of jealousy. It was like having mud thrown all over my face. And that mud is still there, plastered on.

  Terauchi shrugged, agreeing with Toshi, and the three of them went back to eating their lunches like they’d had enough of the topic. It hit me right at that instant that they knew I’d been sleeping around with guys.

  When I told all this to Teru, he held my hand and said, “You must have felt awful, Kirarin. Your pride got in the way then and you couldn’t be honest. Pride’s such a pain in the butt. Who needs it, anyway?”

  “You’re right, I did feel awful. I didn’t know what to do. I was so stubborn I made a fool of myself. Maybe I should have just put up with it, but I couldn’t. I-I want to see him! I still love him….”

  I burst