Each Step Like Knives Read online

  Helena looked at Howard. "He's not."

  Howard lifted an eyebrow. "Don't get testy, Helena. It's fine with me if he stays. Really."

  She could have argued further, but refrained. This was all too stressful as it was. She looked at Johnny, who stared back, silent. Finally, he nodded and brushed past her and into the bedroom.

  Helena gestured to Howard. "Let me get you something to drink. I have bottled water."

  Howard followed her into the kitchen. "I'm guessing it's too much to expect Perrier?"

  She almost shot back a nasty reply before his grin told her he'd been teasing. "Nope. Sorry. Local store brand."

  He shrugged. "That's fine."

  She busied herself with the bottled water, ice and glasses and gestured toward the battered kitchen table. "Have a seat."

  "Thanks." He drank then set the glass down on one of the many rings already stained into the wooden table. "I appreciate it."

  Awkward silence fell between them, and Helena found herself thinking no matter how much difficulty they'd had communicating, silence between her and Johnny had never been awkward. Nothing had been awkward between them until she'd freaked out. She poured herself some more water and looked out the window over the sink. It looked like another storm was brewing. The sky had grown dark, and the air had a faint electrical tingle about it.

  "Are you really happy here?"

  Surprised, Helena looked over at Howard. His question sounded sincere. Her answer surprised her even more. "Happier than I've ever been."

  "Because of him?"

  She couldn't mistake the jealousy in Howard's voice. Helena glanced toward the kitchen door and surprised herself again. "Yes."

  Howard's mouth thinned and he rattled the water glass hard enough to clink the ice cubes together. "I don't get it, Helena. I can understand you being pissed about me and Ginger--"

  "Was that her name?" For some reason, that little piece of trivia made Helena want to laugh. So she did. Howard frowned.

  "I can understand why you were mad about that," he continued. "I know I messed up."

  "Yes, you did."

  "But holy shit, that guy? You're picking that guy over me?"

  "His name is Johnny," she replied calmly. The boom of far-off thunder rattled the windows.

  "What the hell kind of name is Johnny for a grown man?" Howard mouthed the name like it tasted bad. "And what's up with him not talking? Is he retarded?"

  She regarded him coldly. "My, aren't we politically correct?"

  Howard slammed back the last of his water and glared at her. "How'd you meet this guy anyway? How long have you been fucking him?"

  "Who says I have!" she cried, but her cheeks instantly painted themselves with heat to give her away.

  "It's all over the both of you. I can smell it on you, for God's sake!"

  They both heard the sound of Johnny's soft cough at the same time. Helena turned to the doorway. He'd changed into a pair of sleep pants and a T-shirt--the only clothes she'd had in her drawer to fit him. He'd combed his hair, and now it fell back from his forehead down to his shoulders in thick, perfect waves a man like Howard would have to spend thousands of dollars to manage.

  Johnny crossed to the sink and ran some water into a glass he pulled from the cupboard. He didn't look at Howard, but he gave Helena a sideways glance as he brushed past her. At the casual touch of his elbow against her belly, her entire body jolted.

  At the same time, a crack of lightning flickered in the window, followed by another thump of thunder. The storm was getting closer. Helena waited until Johnny moved away from the sink before she closed the window.

  "How cute." Howard's voice dripped with sarcasm. "He's even wearing your clothes."

  She saw Johnny's back stiffen as he drank, then carefully set the glass down on the counter. He turned, slowly, and faced Howard. She saw his hands twist in the air, but she couldn't quite tell what she said. Howard couldn't either by the look on his face. He rolled his eyes.

  "Yeah, buddy. Whatever." He got to his feet, blatantly ignored Johnny, and pushed closer to Helena. "Listen, can't we at least talk without him here? Can't you even give me that chance?"

  "I don't think so."

  Helena still was uncertain about what, exactly, was going to happen with Johnny, but she had no doubts about what would happen with Howard. Nothing. It was over, and if there had ever been any chance at reconciliation, he'd ruined it with his cruel remarks about a stranger.

  "Shit." Howard glared at Johnny, who stared back, implacably. "Tell him to stop staring at me."

  Helena grabbed Howard's arm. "Why don't you just go, Howard, before the storm hits? Just...get in your car and drive away."

  He jerked his arm out of her grasp and dusted it off like she'd burned him. His handsome face, the one she'd once loved so much, had turned sour and ugly. He smoothed his polo shirt and straightened his belt.

  "I love you, Helena," he told her.

  It sounded like the first honest words she'd heard from him since she could not remember when.

  She felt sorry for him, but the memory of him pounding into his secretary, their faces contorted with lust, while Helena had stood in the doorway would not leave her. "What we had is over, Howard. It's been over for a long time."

  He looked over to Johnny, who stood still and silent. "Walk with me to my car. Give me that, at least."

  She sighed. "If I do, will you just...leave? Will you leave, Howard?"

  "I'll leave. I promise."

  "Johnny, I'm going to walk Howard down to his car." Did he even know what a car was? He nodded as though he did. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

  She followed Howard out the door, down the stairs and to the sandy driveway. The sky overhead had gone nearly black. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed, and the wind whipped her hair around her face. The ocean had become a maelstrom of white-crested waves dashing against the sand.

  Howard stopped next to his car. He looked up at the house, and Helena followed his gaze. Johnny stood silhouetted in the window. Howard scowled.

  "I've been an asshole," he said. The wind tore at his words. He brushed impatiently at his normally-coiffed hair. "But that's no reason for you to live in squalor with some backwoods hillbilly without a tongue."

  Helena crossed her arms around herself to combat the chill in the air. "You obviously know nothing about me, Howard, and you never have. You don't know anything about Johnny, either, so just leave him out of this. It has nothing to do with you."

  "It has everything to do with me!" Howard's words came out through gritted teeth. "Damn it, Helena! That ring you're still wearing on your finger says it has everything to do with me."

  She'd almost forgotten about the ring, a subdued aquamarine in a platinum setting she'd picked out on a whim. That she hadn't chosen a diamond for their engagement seemed somehow significant in retrospect. She'd moved it to her right hand since leaving New York. Now she slipped it off. It rolled in her palm as she tried to hand it back to him.

  Howard refused to take it. "I don't want it back."

  "I don't want to wear it." Helena cupped her fingers around the ring. "You bought it. It wasn't cheap. You should have it back."

  "I said I don't want it back, Helena!"

  She'd never seen him so angry. It was a little unnerving, watching his face twist with such fury. She actually took a step back from him.

  "Howard." She said his name to try and calm him, but a thunderclap blocked her voice. She tried again. "Howard, I'm sorry. But it's over between us."

  "No! I won't accept that!"

  He clenched his fists and she took another step back.

  The first fat raindrops splattered down, cold on her arms and face. Howard swiped at his face. The rain pattered down faster. They were both going to get soaked in another few minutes.

  "You have to accept it," Helena shouted over the storm. "I'm sorry, Howard, but you had to learn someday you can't get everything you want, all the time."

  With