Taking the Leap Read online

  “We should get back in there,” she says, and I have a flashback to that first day at the bridal shower, when we snuck away to sit together by the creek.

  “Wait.” I tug the front of her shirt to bring her toward me. I kiss her. She leans into me, and the kiss deepens for a moment or so.

  This feels right. It’s what I want. I think it’s what she wants, too. In that moment, all that matters is the two of us right here.

  She takes my hand, linking our fingers together, as we walk back to the party room. Nobody’s noticing us except her mother, whose eyes zero in on our joined hands with the efficiency of a laser sight. I can see the steam building up in her like a teakettle, so before she starts to scream, I do what I think is the right thing. I drop Sam’s hand.

  Sam notices, looking between us, then at my face. I want to reassure her somehow, but I don’t have time. Her mother is rising, glass of white wine in one hand, and she’s already toasting. Loud. Boozy. Vicious beneath the veneer of her loving smile. She’s putting on the best sort of show, but I’m bracing for impact.

  “I just want to say how happy I am to see my daughter with someone who makes her so happy,” Margo says, gesturing with her glass at Abby, but her eyes never wavering from Sam.

  Beside me, Sam stiffens.

  “A mother never stops wanting the very best for her babies, no matter how old they get or how far from home they try to run.”

  Margo is apparently unaware of how damned creepy she sounds, but I see enough of the older women around the table nodding and smiling, so I guess the room is filled with women who don’t understand the concept of raising your children to let them go. Abby’s smiling too, but her expression is strained and I can see her holding my brother’s hand hard enough to turn her knuckles white.

  Margo continues, this time with a sly glance toward my parents who, God bless them, have pasted their faces into neutrality and blandness as best they can. “Tonight, we celebrate Abby and Tony, and I’m so thrilled. I couldn’t be happier unless it was to hear another announcement, about my other beautiful daughter, Samera.”

  Sam winces. I am frozen. Everyone is staring at us. My parents look confused. Abby and Tony look confused and also resigned.

  “Jenna. I should offer this next toast to you. Don’t you have something you want to tell everyone here tonight?”

  I’ve moved away from Sam two steps, but I’m not sure how. I’m running hot and cold with chills. This bitch wants me to what…make a toast? She wants to out me in front of my parents?

  “Jenna?”

  Someone presses a glass of wine into my hands. I open my mouth to speak. I see Sam looking at me, but I can’t read her expression. Moments ago, all I felt for her was love and the desire to be together, but right now I can’t find any words. I can’t look my parents in the face and come out to them in front of their friends and family. I don’t worry that my family won’t accept me, but it’s the night before my brother’s wedding. To upstage that in any way would be selfish. Rude. I can’t do it. I love my brother. I love Abby.

  I love Sam.

  But this is not the time, not when she and I haven’t talked about what we’re doing or how far we think this is going to go. I can’t do it for so many reasons, but one of them is there is no fucking way I’m going to give Sam’s mother the satisfaction of having her way or being able to ruin anything for anyone.

  I lift my glass. “I want to tell everyone tonight that I’m so happy for my brother. I’m so excited to be gaining the sister I never had. Abby and Tony, I love you both, and I can’t wait to see you get married tomorrow.”

  Everyone claps. I drain half the glass of wine. Sam is gone, and I don’t know where she went, but I can’t go after her because everyone is still staring at me. There are more toasts. I’m trapped here in the room, and my insides are twisted and knotted. When I finally make my escape, I find Sam outside and around the corner so she can avoid anyone going in or out of the restaurant.

  “Sam.”

  She doesn’t answer me. Her face says it all. When I approach, she holds up her hands for me to keep my distance.

  “What did you want me to do?”

  The words come out angry. I’m hurt, I realize, and I have been since the night I said the “L” word and she didn’t. I’m hurt and sad and uncertain about what the hell we’ve been doing all this time, and it’s obvious we’ve reached that point in the relationship where it all turns to shit over something stupid.

  “Nothing. I get it,” she says.

  I shake my head. “I don’t think you do.”

  “I absolutely do. You told me way in the beginning, you’ve never had someone important enough to you to bring around your family. I understand.”

  “That’s not fair!” I want to remind her that I’m the one who started all this. I’m the one who took the chance, said the thing. I’d taken that leap, and she didn’t catch me.

  “Look, it’s fine,” she says in a cold, hurt voice. “We have a lot going on tonight and tomorrow, let’s just leave it. Okay? It’s not a big deal.”

  It’s not okay, but I also can’t make myself reach for her. “What’s not a big deal? Us?”

  She doesn’t answer.

  I draw in a breath. “What’s not a big deal, Sam? Us? Are we not a big deal, is that what you’re saying?”

  Again, she stays silent. I can see her working to speak, and I want to give her the chance to make this right. I want her to find the words.

  She doesn’t, and I don’t, either. She turns around and heads for her truck, and there’s the moment when I should run after her and tell her again that I love her. Instead, I watch her walk away.

  ❖

  Fifteen

  Sam

  * * *

  “You look miserable.” Jenna’s soft voice from behind me ought to make me turn around, but I don’t.

  I keep staring at my reflection. The bridesmaid’s dress isn’t horrible, as far as dresses go, but the matching pale pink tights and ballerina slippers that look so cute on everyone else, and especially Jenna, don’t look the same on me. I’m clearly out of my element. I smooth my spiky hair.

  “I am miserable,” I tell her.

  She moves closer, behind me. Two women dressed identically. It should be a pretty picture, but I have to close my eyes against the sight of it. I don’t want to start bawling before I even walk down the aisle. I have to stand up for my sister, and any tears today should be happy ones, for her.

  Jenna puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

  I want to shrug away her touch, but instead I gently take her hand off my bare skin and let it fall. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “I do worry about it.” Her voice is hard. Angry.

  It makes me angry, too, because where does she get off, acting like any of this is my fault? From outside in the hallway, I hear my mother’s rising voice. Shit. More drama.

  “I should go help my sister,” I tell her, pulling away.

  “Wait.” Jenna puts a hand out again, but this time she doesn’t touch me. Not quite. The warmth of her hand is a physical ghost I want to ignore, but can’t.

  I’m defeated. I face her. Eyes closed. I can’t look at her, because if I do, I’ll scream or cry; I will kiss her and hate myself for doing it.

  The splash of liquid hits me hard, in the chest above where the dress dips. I gasp, jerking back. I open my eyes to see Jenna staring at me with a look of grim concentration.

  “Oh no!” She says, too loud for just the two of us. “Oh, shit, Sam, I’m sorry! What a mess!”

  I am entirely covered in red wine. The liquid has already soaked into the pink fabric, turning it the color of old blood. I look like something out of a zombie flick, dripping with the gore of my victims.

  The door flings open. My mother barrels in. She’s already shrieking, but at the sight of me, she goes stone cold silent.

  If I didn’t love Jenna already, in this moment I would have fallen for her com