Vanilla Read online

  “He was a mistake. I knew better.”

  “Don’t we always?” Alex asked.

  “And we still do it. Always. Why?” I took another slow swig of my cooling coffee. “Why are people so stupid when it comes to this stuff?”

  “Because the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, so do other parts. I read that in a book once.” Alex grinned, but only a little, and without a whole lot of humor.

  I groaned and let myself rock back in the chair. I closed my eyes, not wanting to think of Niall, but his face flashed into my head anyway. I thought of Esteban, too, though I had an easier time pushing away his face. And finally, predictably, another man’s face forced its way out of memory. I opened my eyes to look at Alex.

  “I should have known it wouldn’t work out, long-term.”

  “How could you know that in advance? That’s what people say when they’re too afraid to try it.”

  “That’s a hell of a thing to say to me, when you’ve plied me with pastry and boozy coffee,” I snapped. “Either you’re understanding and sympathetic or you’re not. Quit trying to swing both ways.”

  At that, he burst into guffaws. Loud, genuine laughter. Taken aback, I narrowed my eyes. Alex rocked back in his chair, actually slapping his knee.

  “What?”

  He swallowed his chortles and propped his feet back on the desk. “You have no idea.”

  I put my cup on the desk and turned it around and around in my hands. “So, tell me.”

  “It’s not my day for telling stories. It’s yours. Okay, so, you met this guy. You knew right away it wasn’t going to work out, but you fucked him anyway. And then you broke up. Am I getting it right so far?”

  “Yes.”

  Alex gave me a sympathetic look that was as sincere as his laughter had been a moment ago. “So...why the broken heart?”

  “It’s not... I’m not...” I stopped myself, appalled at the way my throat closed. At how bitter the words tasted. At how close to tears I was. Again.

  “Elise,” Alex said gently, “I didn’t have to overhear you talking to him on the phone to figure out that you’ve been head over heels for this guy for the past couple months. It was in everything you said or did. You kind of had it all over you.”

  “Like a rash,” I said bitterly.

  “I’d have called it a glow. But sure. A rash. A glow. Whatever it was, you walked like you were floating.” Alex took another long sip of coffee, watching me over the top of his cup. “You were happy.”

  Tears threatened to throttle me, but I forced them back. I would not cry over this. I would not cry in this office. Not in front of Alex. I would not let myself lose control.

  I. Would. Not.

  I shook my head. “He knew me before I knew him. I mean, about...”

  I hesitated. I liked Alex a lot. We worked great together. He’d seen my pictures.

  “He didn’t like what I like,” I finished. “And he made it into a really big deal.”

  “Dumbass,” Alex said promptly.

  It urged a small laugh from me that helped to quash the threatening tears. “Like I said, it happens.”

  “Tell me what happened.” Alex shifted in his chair. “I know I’m not your best girlfriend but trust me, I can pretend.”

  I laughed again, giving him the eye. “Weirdo.”

  “From one deviant to another,” he said, “lay it on me. Confession is good for the soul or something like that. And it’s eating you up inside, Elise. I can tell.”

  “You’re awfully observant.” I bit the inside of my cheek lightly, rubbing at the sore spot already there with my tongue.

  “I hate that he’s making you sad.” Alex frowned. “I’d like to punch him in the junk.”

  This surprised me. “You would?”

  “Fuck, yes.” He looked surprised, too. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  This pricked tears into my eyes for a very different reason. “He’s not making me sad. It is what it is.”

  Alex said nothing. He waited. And the longer he stayed quiet, the more compelled I felt to unburden myself.

  “He made me laugh,” I said.

  Alex nodded. “Heavy. He also made you cry.”

  I shook my head again. “No. I just won’t anymore. It’s not worth it. I was that girl once, that one who let a man carve her up and toss her out to feed the sharks. I won’t do it again. Not for anyone.”

  Alex shrugged. “We all go through it. Sometimes we’re the ones crying, sometimes we’re the ones who made someone else cry. Love hurts. That’s how it works, even when it does work.”

  “I didn’t love him,” I lied aloud, trying to make myself believe it.

  Alex said nothing.

  “Fuck my life,” I whispered. We both said nothing until finally, I sighed and downed the last of my coffee. “When we were together, I thought that maybe it could work.”

  “Sure,” he said as though that made sense.

  I shrugged. “We had fun. And it got complicated, that’s all. The way things do. And I let myself be an idiot. I just didn’t think...”

  Alex waited. I hadn’t wanted a hug. I refused to cry. I didn’t want to spill myself out to him this way, but I could not hold it back. My words ground out of me, rusty and raspy and harsh, tasting of the grief I was trying so hard not to let myself feel.

  “I didn’t think I would care so much,” I said. “I didn’t think he would matter to me.”

  “You can’t choose who you love.” Alex took his feet off the desk and put them flat on the floor. His cup on the desk. His elbows on his knees, he leaned forward with his hands linked in front of him. He didn’t look at me for a few seconds, and when he did, his gaze glittered.

  “He didn’t love me. I thought he knew me, but he didn’t,” I added bitterly. “He had this idea of me, but it was a fantasy. Not real. But I was the one who let him in. I let him get close. I knew I shouldn’t, but I did, so in the end, who’s the dumbass? Me.”

  Alex frowned, and I kept talking.

  “There was no point in being with him, not when I knew that in the end, he was never going to let me be who I am. Oh, sure, he said he was fascinated. Intrigued. But when it came right down to it, he was never going to give me what I need and want and like.” I drew in a breath then swallowed hard. “Even if what I want and need and like doesn’t have to be the same thing all the time.”

  “Sometimes I like peanut butter on a sandwich. Sometimes I like a grilled cheese.” Alex shrugged. “So long as when I’m hungry I get a fucking sandwich, I usually don’t care. Unless it’s liverwurst or some shit like that. Then forget it, I’ll starve.”

  My mouth twisted into what might’ve passed for a smile, if you tried very hard to pretend. “Yes. That. Exactly that. But I’m the asshole who let it hurt so much.”

  Alex sighed, linking his fingers tighter. “That’s rough.”

  “It’s life,” I said coldly. “I’ll get over it. I did the first time.”

  He looked at me, his mouth twisting. “Sounds like you didn’t.”

  My mouth opened in protest, but I had none that wouldn’t be a lie. I gripped the desk, my fingernails scratching at the polished wood. A small, broken sound escaped me, no calling it back.

  “You have a story,” Alex said. Before I knew it, I was telling it to him.

  * * *

  Sometimes love takes you by the hand and leads you to run through fields of flowers while butterflies weave you a dress out of rainbows. Other times, love takes you by the throat and chokes you until all you see is the bright, sharp trail of shooting stars right before everything turns to black. The problem is, you can never tell in advance which way the story ends, not until you’re too far into it, and you have no choice but to keep turning the pages.

  Four years ago, I met him.

  I didn’t think there was anything special about it at the time. I turned around in a dance club when he jostled me as he tried to get past me toward the bar. I made a smart-ass comment. He gave one b