The Woman Left Behind: A Novel Read online

  “Really? How you gonna stop it?” He sounded derisive.

  “Same way fighter pilots do, I guess—grunt and stuff like that.” She was kind of vague on the procedure, but she could look up the details on the internet. She knew there was grunting involved.

  “They grunt to force oxygen to their brains. Lack of oxygen isn’t your problem.”

  No, sheer terror was. She didn’t know if she could grunt long enough and deep enough to overcome that, though maybe if she focused intensely on the grunting she wouldn’t pay attention to being in midair and falling at a hundred and twenty miles an hour, with the possibility of both the main chute and the reserve malfunctioning in which case she and Levi would die together, and the equal possibility that he’d undo the harness buckles and let her drop. Yeah, she had to stop thinking about that last one.

  “You screamed, too.” Accusation number two.

  Had she? Oh, yeah, she kind of remembered screaming as if she were being dismembered. Dang. There was no denying it; she hunched a shoulder as if to say So what? and kept her mouth shut.

  “You didn’t tell us you’re afraid of heights.” Accusation number three.

  Annoyed, which was nice because it meant she was feeling something other than terror and humiliation and the even-worse fear of failure, she lifted her head and glared at him. “I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of falling to my death. Big difference.”

  His mouth quirked again in the way she couldn’t tell if it was a smile or a smirk. Going with “smirk” was a safer bet, because generally Levi didn’t smile at her. She both wished he would and wished he wouldn’t. Nothing was simple where Levi was concerned.

  “Your ass is getting wet sitting on the ground.”

  Was that an accusation, or an observation? Maybe both. “There’s no ‘getting’ to it, it got wet right away.”

  “Is this your way of hiding that you pissed your pants?”

  Not as outraged as she normally would have been, she still mustered the spirit to shoot out a foot and kick his boot. “I passed out. I didn’t pee my pants, and neither did I vomit! So there!”

  He laughed and effortlessly rose to his feet, extending a big hand down to her. “Come on, here comes our ride.”

  She didn’t need his help getting up. Even though she felt shaky and weak and numb and grateful all at once—the grateful was because he’d made her mad with the last comment and she had so needed that relief—she tucked her left foot under her, pushed up with her right, got her left leg under her to balance her weight, and stood without aid. Back at the beginning she’d practiced that move over and over because she’d seen how easily the guys got up from the ground, not holding on to anything, just getting their feet under them and standing. Part of it was just technique, but the rest was pure muscle tone—and now she had that muscle tone. What she didn’t have was nerves of steel, as witnessed by the last ten hours.

  Just to check, she pulled out her phone and looked at the time. Crap, barely half an hour had passed since the Twin Otter had lifted off the runway. It felt like ten hours. Maybe part of hell was that the time seemed to pass so slowly, in which case she knew that hell involved both Levi and parachutes.

  A pickup truck pulled up to the LZ and she straightened her spine. She had to do this. She had to ignore the nausea in the pit of her stomach, and the way her heart had started that sickening pound-pound-pound again, because the only other option was unthinkable. Silently she followed Levi, every movement so weighted with reluctance that her legs felt as if they weighed a hundred pounds each.

  There was something genetically wrong with men, she thought as she watched Levi striding in front of her, every inch of his big body infused with confidence. It likely never occurred to him to be petrified at the thought of parachuting; it would have been just one more skill to acquire to make him as self-sufficient and lethal as possible. Sometimes jumping out of a plane would be the best way to get to his target; therefore, he would jump out of a plane. She’d seen him practice his hand-to-hand skills, practice live-ammo shooting, push his body to what seemed like superhuman lengths. He dedicated himself to being as well trained and prepared as possible.

  All the team members trained constantly, so they’d be ready for whatever mission came their way. Sometimes it was nothing more action filled than surveillance or intelligence gathering, but they trained at that with as much dedication as they did everything else.

  She too had devoted herself to the training. What she did with Tweety the drone would help keep them alive when they were in dangerous situations, as well as doing some of the normal surveillance missions. But she got the sense that during the mission the guys would push themselves to and past the point of death, kind of like a racehorse. She’d read that stallions would run themselves to death in a race, but mares wouldn’t, that they had the good sense to stop before they reached self-destruction.

  The revelation exploded in her brain. That was it! She was a mare, and Levi was a stallion. He’d willingly jump out of a plane, and she had better sense.

  She felt much better about herself now—except for the fact that she had to forget she had good sense and jump out of a plane like the stupid stallions did.

  They climbed into the pickup and the driver took them back to the airstrip. The Otter had just landed and was maneuvering back into position for takeoff again. The bottom dropped out of her stomach, just watching it. Pound-pound-pound. Was it possible for her heart to beat so hard it bruised itself against her sternum? Icy sweat drenched her. Could Levi smell her fear? Could he tell how utterly helpless she felt, or was she somehow projecting a can-do façade that kept him from seeing the truth?

  The Otter swung around, propellers a blur, and she saw Boom crouching in the open door; even from where they were she could tell his expression was grim. Maybe he’d expected her performance to be better, after his tutelage. She squirmed inwardly, because she hated being a disappointment to anyone, especially to someone she liked as much as she liked him.

  She approached the plane with her head down. Ahead of her, Levi effortlessly vaulted into the plane. Boom leaned down and extended his hand; she took it and he pulled her up. Levi gave her a long, cool look and she remembered how she’d declined to take his hand. Well, tough. It would take a long time before she forgot how nastily he’d declined her invitation, and showing up anyway didn’t make her feel any better about him. Neither did anything about the current situation.

  “I passed out,” she mumbled.

  “I heard.” Boom shook his head. “You should have said you’re afraid of heights.”

  She didn’t feel like going into the difference between being afraid of heights and being afraid of falling, so she just shrugged. “I can do this.” Even to herself her voice sounded weak, kind of like a sickly frog, more raspy than usual. Maybe that was from all the screaming.

  “Let’s get this over with,” Levi said and closed the door with a loud thunk.

  Meaning it was her last chance? It couldn’t be. Boom said he’d packed more parachutes for today than he ever had before, so just two attempts wouldn’t use up the supply. She didn’t know which was most terrifying, the thought of having to do this whole thing again, or Levi tossing her out of training.

  Realistically, what would happen if she crapped out of training? She’d go back to her old job and earn good money, though not as great as what she was currently pulling down. She’d get her weekends back. She’d be able to go to movies again, and hang with her friends, and see her family on a regular basis.

  And she’d be a failure.

  Jina began shaking as she slid onto a bench and strapped herself in.

  Once again Levi took the seat beside her. His scent had changed, he had a more outdoorsy smell now, like cold fresh air. Guess that was appropriate, given that they’d just fallen through a couple of miles of fresh air. He seemed invigorated by it, his energy level up so far electricity was practically snapping around him. His big gloved hands rested on his th