Almost Just Friends Read online

  CJ had no such comfort. And in spite of everything, he had the biggest heart of just about anyone he knew. And he was staring right at Gavin, daring him to take notice of him.

  For the record, Gavin was taking notice.

  “I fell for you on day one,” CJ said. “You took my breath away with your wildness, your sense of adventure, and that wary who-the-fuck-are-you look in your eyes. Nothing much has changed.” He paused. “You going to break my heart again?”

  Gavin stilled. “I didn’t know I could.”

  “You think you have a lock on screwing up?” CJ started to laugh, and then sucked in a harsh breath and stilled for a beat. “Jesus.”

  “Don’t laugh.”

  “No shit.”

  “You need pain meds,” Gavin said.

  “No.” He paused. “You know you were my first. That I loved you.”

  CJ had been Gavin’s first too. His everything. But even so, back then he’d been unable to fathom a real relationship. It had been beyond his comprehension. He hadn’t cheated. What he’d done had been almost worse. He’d up and left town with no forwarding address. And then he’d gone on to shove all emotions deep.

  A Manning specialty.

  “You destroyed me,” CJ said softly, and Gavin started to get up.

  CJ stopped him. “No, listen. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. You weren’t okay. Your best friend was killed. You lost your parents. You played it cool, but you were wild and so very angry. I was drawn to that because . . . well, because I knew the feeling. When my parents found out I was gay, they stopped being my parents, just like that. From one moment to the next, I was suddenly abandoned just for being me. I became wild and angry too, and we . . . well, we fit in that moment. But I always knew I’d have to let you go when you were ready, and I did. And then, somehow, I slowly changed. I came to the questionable wisdom that I was missing out on life. I went to LA for a while. And”—he shook his head—“I slept with anything that moved.”

  Gavin felt the vicious bite of jealousy, but he nodded because he got it. “I’m sorry. I did love you, but I was scared. I wasn’t ready for a commitment. Hell, I couldn’t have committed to a dentist appointment back then. I was a hot mess and unable to let myself care, about anything.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Arizona. The job was high pressure, the competition was fierce, and I struggled to keep up. I cared way too much about everything and . . . I couldn’t function.”

  “That’s why you started abusing the pain meds,” CJ said. “You were trying to not care.”

  “Not care, not feel . . . not anything.” Gavin shook his head. “I just kept self-medicating until I lost my shit.” He paused, but knew he had to say all of it. “Lost my job too. I hit rock bottom when I got a DUI, and ended up in rehab. Used all of my savings between my lawyer and the facility I stayed in. I promised myself if I survived it, I’d get my act together.”

  CJ looked shaken. “So are you? Together? Because it seems like you do care deeply now, at least for your family.”

  “Yeah, well, even I can learn something, I guess.”

  For a long time, he’d played the victim in his own head, assuming the worst in people. He’d convinced himself that his grandma hadn’t wanted them, she’d had no choice, that Piper hadn’t wanted to be head of the family, she’d had no choice. Wildstone had been too small-minded for him . . . and so on.

  But he’d been wrong on all counts. Looking back, he knew how much his grandma had loved him, she’d just been grieving the loss of her daughter, and then her own husband. Piper and Winnie both loved him, madly, and he was fucking lucky considering the long, slow, painful route he’d taken to dubious adulthood. “I owe you an apology,” he said quietly. “A big one.”

  CJ shook his head. “I wasn’t in your life when you went to rehab. You don’t need to make amends to me.”

  “Not for that period of time, maybe. But certainly for before. For the way I left.”

  Again CJ shook his head. “We were too young anyway.”

  “Don’t let me off the hook.”

  “All right,” CJ said with a nod. “I won’t. Thank you for the apology. It’s accepted.” He gave a very small smile. “You’re different. A good different.”

  “Maybe that’s because for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m not fighting myself over whether it’s okay to slow down, take a deep breath, and be happy. And . . . I am.”

  “You sound surprised,” CJ said.

  “Yeah, cuz have you met me?”

  CJ gave a very small but warm, easy smile. “I was shot and you’re happy. You’re a sick man.”

  “But you love it.”

  CJ’s smile faded, and Gavin once again tried to get up, but in spite of being injured, CJ was strong as hell. “I do love it,” he said, holding on to Gavin. “What I don’t love is your urge to take off whenever the going gets too good. Think you can knock that the fuck off?”

  “I’m working on it.”

  “I hope that’s true.”

  “Maybe I should prove it to you,” Gavin said.

  “Maybe you should.”

  And for the rest of the night, they didn’t say another word.

  Chapter 23

  “I’ve got you this time.”

  The next morning, Gavin got out of bed way before he wanted to. CJ was still sleeping, so he left him a note telling him that he had a meeting and reminding him to take his antibiotic.

  There were several places to eat in Wildstone that were good, but nothing better than Caro’s Café. Gavin found Axel in a corner booth, back to the wall, slugging back a hot, black coffee like it was his job. The guy was thirtyish, had wavy dark hair past his shoulders, with a matching beard, and was covered in tats. Good-looking enough to be an actor portraying a rock star, he had both men and women after him, which he definitely made the most of. He was an old friend of Gavin’s and they’d reconnected last week when they’d been at the same NA meeting. Axel had offered to be his Wildstone sponsor and Gavin had taken him up on it.

  “You’re late,” Axel said, wearing his usual perpetual scowl.

  “No, I’m not.” Gavin waved his phone. “See? It’s eight on the dot.”

  “On time is late. Early is on time.”

  “Let me guess,” Gavin said, taking a seat. “You’ve been reading self-help books again.”

  Axel gave a rare grin. “Nah. That came from my fortune cookie last night.”

  Gavin laughed, and then the waitress showed up to take their order. When she’d gone, Gavin looked at Axel. “How you doing?”

  “That was my question for you.”

  Gavin downed his water and eyeballed the full, noisy diner. “This place is still pretty popular, huh?”

  “Best breakfast for fifty miles. You stalling on purpose?”

  “Yeah.” Gavin met the eyes of the one person in his life who seemed to truly understand where he’d come from, the hole he’d dug himself out of, and how hard it was to stay on level ground. “I’m hanging in there,” he said to Axel’s patient silence.

  “Define ‘hanging in there.’”

  “I want to stay clean, more than anything.”

  “But . . . ?”

  “But . . . sometimes it’s hard.”

  “No shit,” Axel said. “In case you haven’t noticed, life’s fucking hard.”

  When their food came, they dug in, and Axel gestured at Gavin with his fork for Gavin to eat and talk. “Tell me how it’s going here in Wildstone.”

  “I want to be back. I love being home. But it’s also bringing up some really bad shit. Losing my parents. Arik. And now me and CJ are . . . well, I’m not actually sure, but we’re something. And I like it. But I’m terrified of losing it.”

  “You talk to him?”

  “Yeah.”

  Axel nodded. “You feel the urge to use again?”

  “No. Not exactly. I mean, my brain doesn’t want to, but my body isn’t always on the same page.”