Agnes and the Hitman Read online

  “So, the cake,” she said in her best aren’t-we-all-glad-to-be-here voice, waving her cake plate in Maria’s general direction to distract her from whatever was about to set her off.

  “I’m just thinking with everything that’s gone wrong, the wedding might be better at the country club,” Brenda said, and Evie perked up.

  Rot in hell, Brenda, Agnes thought, but before she could say anything, Maria said, “Did you hear about my dress?”

  “Your dress?” Evie said, but Maria was smiling at Brenda. Fixedly.

  Oh, God, what did Brenda do to the dress? Agnes thought, seeing the entire wedding go south as the bride killed her grandmother in the gazebo with the cake knife. Barbie Clue.

  “Oh, yes, the dress.” Brenda sipped her lemonade, looking blonde and lovely as ever. “Maria had ordered one from New York, but there was no tradition in that, so I canceled it-”

  “What?” Evie said, putting down her lemonade.

  “-and I’m giving her my wedding dress to wear.” Brenda smiled fondly at Maria, who smiled back. Not fondly.

  “She’s at least a foot taller than you are,” Evie said, appalled. “You canceled that dress? She loved that dress. We all loved that dress!”

  “It’s all right,” Maria said, still smiling.

  It’s not all right, Agnes thought, trying to think of how she was going to get the dress back. And how she was going to get Brenda psychiatric help because she’d clearly gone round the bend. And how she was going to keep Lisa Livia from killing her mother, something that had been imminent all LL’s life anyway. “I-”

  “In fact, I’ve been thinking,” Brenda said, and a silence fell over the table, even Evie turning to Brenda to see what was coming next. “What with Two Rivers not looking its best-I’m sorry, Agnes-and the florist quitting, and all, well, I have to agree with Evie that the country club is very beautiful, and they have flowers there anyway, so we could probably just use their flowers…”

  Her voice trailed off as three women looked at her in horror.

  “Well, it’s too late to get another florist, everybody would understand that, and we can’t have it here,” she said, the voice of reason. “This place isn’t even painted.”

  You have lost your ever-lovin’ mind, Agnes thought.

  “We cannot use the country club’s flowers,” Evie said firmly. “But I do agree that Two Rivers is a little shabby for a wedding of this stature, so I think that moving it to-”

  Agnes said, trying to keep the panic from her voice, “Well, I think- “

  Maria stood up. “You know, I just love my grandpa’s big old house. It’s just… the South, don’t you think?” She turned to look at it in all its scraped and scabby glory, Tara with leprosy, and turned back hastily. “And I do want a Southern wedding, in the fine old Keyes tradition. I do believe in tradition, don’t you, Mrs. Keyes?”

  Evie nodded, not buying anything yet.

  “But I do want a wedding that will make people sit up and take notice,” Maria said, looking at Brenda. “I want a wedding that says, Look at us, we have arrived, we belong. Right, Grandma Brenda?”

  Brenda looked up at her, and for a moment she looked hungry, even vulnerable. Agnes thought, Shewonts to belong, she feels as alone as I do.

  Maria moved between Brenda and Evie. “That’s what I want my wedding to be, tradition and innovation, the best of both worlds, having it all!”

  The two older women looked at each other, united in confusion.

  Agnes frowned. It was a nice picture, Maria uniting the two fighting houses, but she was Lisa Livia’s kid, and her cake, her flowers, and her dress had just been canceled, and now Brenda and Evie were trying to hijack the whole damn thing to the fucking country club.

  Language, Agnes.

  To the gosh-darned country club.

  Agnes pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, took a deep breath, and said, “Well, I think that’s wonderful, but you can just forget the country-”

  “We’ll have it all,” Maria said, thrillingly. “My wedding in my grandpa’s house, which Agnes will get painted-”

  Agnes started at the steel in Maria’s voice and then nodded.

  “-and Taylor’s brilliant food, and Agnes’s wonderful cake, and Maisie Shuttle’s gorgeous flowers, which Grandma Brenda will get back for us-”

  Brenda flinched.

  “-and Evie’s cousin Wesley’s marvelous photographs, and Palmer’s fraternity brother’s uncle’s band, and it’s going to be so perfect, so traditional and yet new.”

  “Well, that’s very sweet, Maria,” Brenda said, “but-”

  Shut up, Brenda, Agnes thought, seeing the red light behind Maria’s eyes, so like the light in Lisa Livia’s before the carnage began.

  “And it will be all of that,” Maria said, her voice rising, “because it will all be tied together by our theme, the symbol of Palmer’s and my future.”

  “Theme?” Evie said, surprised.

  “Theme?” Brenda said, confused.

  “Oh, God,” Agnes said, bracing herself.

  Maria smiled at Palmer, out on the lawn, gazing at the grass.

  “Grass?” Agnes said, thinking, Green, I could fake green by Saturday.

  “Flamingos,” Maria said.

  “What the hell?” Brenda said, startled.

  “You’re joking, of course,” Evie said.

  “Pink,” Agnes said, thinking, Pink, I can fake pink by Saturday.

  Maria opened her bag and took out an eight-inch virulently pink plastic flamingo and slapped it on the table. “Isn’t it just hysterical? It’s a pen. Dina Delvecchio sent it to me when she found out that Palmer’s big successful golf course is called the Flamingo. See, the feet are like the holder, and you pull the pen out-”

  “Dina Delvecchio?” Evie said, grasping at straws since the flamingo was probably beyond comprehension.

  “Maria’s maid of honor,” Agnes said, staring at the flamingo pen. “Bless her heart” Goddammit, Brenda, you had to open your mouth, didn’t you?

  “-and we glue the place cards to the beaks,” Maria went on. “They’re only seventy-five cents each, so they’re cheap, too, Grandma. You’ll like that”

  “That’s seventy-five bucks for place cards,” Brenda said, looking at the pink plastic with horror.

  “And they double as party favors,” Maria said virtuously. “I already ordered them, Agnes. They’ll be here Thursday.”

  “Maria,” Evie said, staring in horror at the plastic flamingo.

  “So, flamingos,” Agnes said. It was awful, but it was at Two Rivers, so she was for it Marginally. “Arriving Thursday.”

  “And here’s the best part.” Maria held up the dress bag. “My dress. Or Grandma Brenda’s dress.”

  “Don’t call me Grandma,” Brenda said.

  “The big trend now is in colored wedding dresses,” Maria said, unzipping the bag. “So…”

  She pulled off the bag and revealed an old-fashioned meringue wedding dress with a huge puffy skirt canopied with lace and bows.

  All of it dyed flamingo pink.

  “That’s my wedding dress!” Brenda said, standing up and knocking over her chair.

  “I know,” Maria said, beaming. “I’m going to wear it just like you wanted. Brenda.”

  Okay, Agnes thought, sitting down in relief. There was no way in hell Maria would wear that horror of a dress anywhere. This was payback. She met Maria’s eyes and said, “Fabulous idea. It’ll be the talk of the county,” and Maria said, “Well, I think so.”

  Fifteen minutes of cool reasoning and heated reproach later, Evie had left for the Keyes mansion in silent shock, and Brenda had gone back to the Brenda Belle, the Real Estate King’s yacht, in outraged fury.

  Agnes grinned. “So, flamingos.”

  “Of course not.” Maria stuffed the dress back in the dress bag. “The dress was the giveaway, wasn’t it?”

  “I’d pay good money to see you in it,” Agnes said. “If I had any good money