Agnes and the Hitman Read online

  “Evie,” Xavier said.

  Palmer’s swaying became downright dangerous, and Shane grabbed the front of his shirt and sat him down on the swing, which brought Shane close to Evie’s ear. “Walk Xavier to his car,” he whispered.

  Evie stepped forward. “Come on, Xavier,” she said, smooth as glass. “It’s dark out there. Walk me to my car.”

  Xavier started to speak, and she took his arm. “You can harass Shane tomorrow,” she said, and tugged him toward the screen door, and he shot Shane a glare full of suspicion and then he looked down at Evie, sighed, and went.

  Shane straightened Palmer on the swing. “You stay here and get to know your mother-in-law.”

  “Where are you going?” Lisa Livia said, almost in tears. “What about Maria? What about Agnes?”

  “I’m on it,” Shane told her.

  “It’ll be all right,” Carpenter said, his voice low. “We’ll be right back. And tomorrow, I’ll take care of the other thing for you. Rest.”

  Lisa Livia took a deep breath, nodded, and then turned to Palmer. “You’re an idiot. But I like you. I’ll make coffee.”

  Shane looked in the back door to the kitchen at Joey. “You take care of things here.”

  Joey nodded and patted the gun-shaped bulge under his T-shirt.

  Great, Shane thought. Just what we need. mure people with firepower. “What’s the plan?” Carpenter said.

  “We break Agnes out of jail,” Shane said. “Then I convince her that I wasn’t having sex with the stripper so she doesn’t kill me. Then we come back here and take care of the package and hit Casey Dean. Then we find proof that Brenda killed Taylor and give it to Xavier so he doesn’t prosecute Agnes for going AWOL. Then we make sure Maria marries Palmer. Then we meet Wilson and I get his job and you get a promotion and a big raise.”

  “Why does that sound like a To Do List?” Carpenter said.

  “Get in the van,” Shane said.

  Maria had come back with Agnes’s lawyer, Barry, who said the same thing about judges and holiday weekends as the blonde-”Told you so,” the blonde said-but who added that the prosecution was going to have a damn hard time explaining why Agnes’s fingerprints were on a meat fork that she’d committed premeditated murder with on the spur of the moment in the middle of her woods while she asked her alibi to wait on the footpath. “I don’t understand why they arrested you at all,” Barry said, his face cheerful through the bars. “Xavier’s usually smarter than this. We may even get a wrongful arrest out of this. I doubt it, but I can certainly try.”

  “Detective Hammond is hoping to seduce my goddaughter and break up her wedding and was trying to get me out of the way so he could do it,” Agnes said, throwing Hammond to the wolves, and Barry turned to Hammond, even happier to add sexual misconduct and alienation of affection to the list, and shortly after that, Hammond’s night got worse when Maria went back to Two Rivers to stay in the second bedroom upstairs because her mother had called her and read her the riot act about behaving like a slut the night before her wedding. Hammond had come back to the cell to complain bitterly when Maria was gone, so when Agnes heard footsteps at the cell door again, she ignored them until she heard a key scrape in the lock. Then she rolled over to see Shane pushing the door open.

  “You didn’t kill anybody to get in here, did you?” she said as she sat up.

  “Here? No.” He walked over to her and looked up. “About the stripper. That was not sex.”

  “I know. You wouldn’t do that to me.” He looked surprised, and she took a deep breath. “Is she dead?”

  “Yeah,” he said, clearly regrouping. “She was Casey Dean’s girl. She tried to kill us on the boat. She tried to kill me tonight.”

  “Then you had to do it.” Agnes began to climb down from the bunk, and he put his hand on her waist to help her down, sliding his arm around her as her feet hit the floor, and she leaned against him and let him take her weight because he wouldn’t let her down.

  “I heard about Taylor,” he said.

  She clung to him. “It was bad. He was still alive when I found him, it was a terrible way to die.” He nodded.

  “You know that cool, unemotional killer thing I was going to master? It ain’t happening. I’m just not the cool type.” He nodded.

  “But I’m not Crazy Rage Person anymore, either. I think I finally got what Dr. Garvin was trying to tell me.” He nodded.

  She tilted her head so she could see his face. “You okay there, silent guy?”

  “You really do believe me?” He held on to her tighter. “I really wasn’t having sex with her, I swear, but you really do believe me?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. You’re the guy I believe in.”

  He bent and kissed her, and she held on to him, so grateful he was there, she could have cried. The blonde got up and began to sidle toward the door, and he reached out and grabbed the back of her shirt and put her back on the bunk, but he never let go of Agnes.

  “Let’s go home,” he whispered, and she nodded, the words hitting her hard.

  “Yes, please,” she said, and they went out the door, his arm still around her.

  Shane turned back to the blonde. “Sorry,” he said, and closed and locked the cell door behind them.

  “Damn,” the blonde said and lay back down. “I didn’t kill anyone. How come you guys get to leave?”

  “Clean living,” Agnes said, and headed back to Two Rivers with the guy she trusted, thinking fast.

  Two Rivers looked calm as they walked up to it, Shane thought. No police cars, no parties going on, just the glow of lights from the windows and the occasional raucous honk from the river. Peaceful enough that you might forget that two people had just died there in the past six hours.

  “I’ll get the package,” Carpenter said as Agnes walked up the back porch steps, and then Agnes said, “Shane?” her voice too high as she looked through the back door.

  Shane took the steps two at a time to look over her shoulder.

  Joey and Doyle were standing on opposite sides of the table with the Venus between them: Joey had his revolver out pointed at the old handyman, Doyle had a gun in his hand pointed back at Joey, and the Venus looked off into the distance, disavowing all knowledge of their presence.

  Shane pushed past Agnes. “What’s going on?”

  “Ask him,” Joey said, nodding at Doyle.

  Shane felt Agnes behind him, and now she moved around him, looking at the two old men. “What are you doing?”

  Joey gave his sharklike smile, but the gun didn’t waver. “Agnes Crandall, meet Frankie Fortunato.”

  “Great,” Shane said. “Just great.”

  saturday

  cranky agnes column #116

  “Sedate Your Family with Love and Gravy”

  In an attempt to bring health to the holidays, I adapted a recipe for dressing using olive oil and high-fiber whole-wheat bread, and ended up with a pan of something that had a definite this-is-good-for-you vibe that lacked the all-right-I’ll-go-to-hell flavor of true celebration food. But it doesn’t matter, because while I like dressing a lot, it’s really just a delivery system for the gravy. In fact, the Cranky Agnes Theory of Holiday Cooking can be summed up in two words: More Gravy.

  You son of a bitch.”

  Shane turned to look at the door to the hallway and saw Lisa Livia dressed in white pajamas with baby chicks on them, looking ready to kill as she stared at Doyle, two high spots of color on her cheekbones.

  “Top of the evening, lass,” Doyle called out, but his heart obviously wasn’t in it

  Shane looked closer at him, seeing past the beard now, the white hair, the smashed nose, the different-colored eyes, the fake accent, the extra weight, twenty-five years of damage and disguise.

  “You son of a bitch.” Lisa Livia said, her voice close to breaking. “Now, lass-” Doyle began; then he sighed as Shane took a step toward him, and gave up the pretense and the accent. “All right, all right, jeez, I’m sorry already.” Frankie