Crazy People: The Crazy for You Stories Read online

  But I am trying to be understanding, so what I thought was that maybe this is just one of those mid-life crisises. Maybe this is just you afraid you’re getting old and the good times are over, and I know what you mean, Ronnie, because some nights when we’re both sitting on the sectional, watching the news and hearing about how the Bengals have screwed up again, and you’re telling me that they’re a damn good team and that they’re going to get it together soon, sometimes then I wonder what happened to us, and how much fun we used to be, and why we aren’t any more, and why you care more about the Bengals than you do about me. Remember how we used to talk all night sometimes, Ronnie? We were so excited about us. And we didn’t always just talk, either. And there was that night we did it in the backyard even though the neighbors could’ve seen if they wanted to, and I don’t care what you say, I think Mr. Armstrong did see because he always winked when he saw me after that. But we haven’t done anything like that for so long that I almost think I might have forgot how to do it any way but flat on my back counting ceiling tiles. And I can see how you might think so, too, even though I was something hot once and I still have everything now that I did then, even if it hasn’t been getting much use lately. And I know Mama would say that isn’t important, but it is if a marriage is going to be strong, and Mama does believe in strong marriages. Sometimes I think Mama believes in marriage more than she believes in God, the way she’s always talking about other people’s lives and saying what a scandal, and I do not want to be a scandal, Ronnie, but here we are, and I’m trying to understand why and how we can fix this.

  So anyway, I’m thinking, maybe this is something you need to do to feel young again for a minute. I mean, I’m real happy that Ronnie Junior’s got a baby of his own now, but I’ve got to admit, I’m not sure I’m ready to be a grandma at forty-four, no matter how cute little Cody is. But I never told you that, or that I still think you’re something else even if you are a grandpa, so I’m thinking that maybe that’s what’s wrong, that maybe it would be a good thing if I was to be understanding about this. Darla says that is the biggest load of crap she’s ever heard, but I think that part of what’s wrong with this country today is that people get rid of their marriages too easy. I mean this is a really bad patch we’re going through here, but I’m not going to give up just because you’re having a hot flash, Ronnie, not after twenty-six years, two kids and a grandbaby, I’m not.

  So I’m going to pack up your clothes really nice in boxes so you can pick them up a week from Sunday if you still want to. And what I’m hoping is that you’ll realize what you’re missing out on and remember all we’ve been together and how much your family means to you, and then you’ll come on back home where you belong. We can work this out, Ronnie, don’t you think we can’t.

  Your loving wife,

  Debbie

  PS: I wrote you this letter two days ago, Ronnie, but then I had to stop because everything was too awful, and I sat down and cried which is why my name is a little bit blurry there at the end. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you and being alone, and then I thought of you with that Barbara and I cried harder. And then Becky called from college and said, “Mama, Ronnie Jr. just called and told me Daddy left you, is it true?” and I said, “Yes,” and she said, “This is terrible, this isn’t really Daddy doing this, this is a symptom of the breakdown of society,” which I did not need to hear even if she is taking all those psychology courses, and then she started to cry and said, “Please don’t divorce him, Mama,” which was worse. Then she hung up and I cried again. And then Ronnie Jr. called sounding really miserable and said he had the bowling alley under control and did I want the grass mowed or anything, and that’s when I knew you’d already told him, even before you left, and I hung up and cried some more.

  And then Darla called me to check up and heard me crying, and she tried to make me come to her house, and when I wouldn’t, she came over, but she wasn’t much help seeing as when I told her again about how I understood that you had this mid-life crisis to work through, she said that the only thing you had to work through was your dick (excuse the language, you know Darla) which explained your sorry, worthless life. And she said that I should not be understanding about this at all because there was a difference between being understanding and being brain dead dumb. And I said, “I’m thinking that maybe he just needs some time,” and she said, “Debbie, stop telling me what that asshole needs and tell me what you need,” and I said, “I need my husband back.” And she said, “Why?” and I said, “Because he’s my husband, damn it,” and she said, “Well, as much as I hate his sorry ass and hope he dies, if that’s the only reason you need him, I can kind of see why he left,” and that wasn’t a help, Ronnie, it really wasn’t.

  Then yesterday, I went into work, and people were starting to know and it was hell. Verna Wachtell sat right there in my chair, and said, “Well, Debbie, now that your family’s left home, you really don’t need that big place any more, why don’t you let me sell it for you?” And I stopped right in the middle of her back comb and stared her down, and she said, “Well, with Ronnie Jr. married off and Becky in college, you don’t need that location so near the school.” But you know she wasn’t talking about Ronnie Jr. and Becky. Then she said, “I can get you a real good deal on one of those condos down by the river,” and I said, “Well, Verna, I appreciate it, but I think we’ll stay right where we are for awhile.” Even though where you are is Lake Huron. And then I got to wondering if you ever would be back home and if there ever would be a we again, and I almost cried again, right there in front of Verna, but I didn’t, and then last night I was alone again and up all night, staring at the ceiling tiles, thinking about this, but I am not getting any answers at all.

  And then today I went in to work, and it was worse because this time, on top of all the whispering, I had to put up with Lori Schmidt and her damn spiral perm. I couldn’t believe it, she came in looking like three kinds of hell and said, “Oh, Debbie, you got to help me, I went to this place in the mall and got a spiral perm on sale, and it looks godawful.” And I wanted to say, “You bet your butt it looks godawful, and you deserve it because you fell for a big shiny sign that said “New!” and “Different!” and you took your sorry little head in there, and they screwed you up good which is what you deserve for going to another hairdresser.” I wanted to say that, but I didn’t. I said, “Lori, honey, your hair’s too long for a spiral perm, it just won’t work.” And she said, “I know that now, Debbie, I truly do, but what are we going to do about it?” And I said, “I’ll fix it, Lori. We’ll do a piggy back perm and you’ll be right as rain.” And she said, “I should never have gone to anybody but you, Debbie, and I never will again, I swear.” And she looked real good when she walked out of there, and she even tipped me better than usual, so I think she knows what she’s got in me now. And I do understand about her being tempted by those shiny signs, and I forgive her because she did the right thing and came back in the end. And I will never throw it up to her because everybody makes mistakes, and as long as they are truly sorry everything can be just fine again. That’s what I truly believe, Ronnie, and not just about spiral perms, either.

  Then I got home, and Mama was parked in the driveway. I bet that looked real good to the neighbors. And she got out of the car and said, “I heard it, Debbie, but I don’t believe it. You tell me it’s a lie.” But I couldn’t, although you don’t know how much I wanted to. Then she started in on how no Headapohl woman had ever been divorced, and they sure weren’t going to start with me, and how happy she’d been when Darla and I had both gotten married right away after high school (although she wasn’t all that happy with you and me, Ronnie, as you may remember; in fact she was downright nasty about my empire wedding dress). And then she said I was just going to have to get you back one way or another because she was not going to be the mother of a scandal, and that it was important for a woman to be married because that was security, and that being alone would be a terrible t