All Things Wise and Wonderful Read online

  As I left the pen I saw Mr. Stokill dragging a large object over the cobbles.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Dustbin,” the old man grunted in reply.

  “Dustbin! What on earth …?”

  He gave no further explanation but entered the pen. As the sow came at him he allowed her to run her head into the bin then, bent double, he began to back her towards the open door. The animal was clearly baffled. Suddenly finding herself in this strange dark place she naturally tried to retreat from it and all the farmer did was guide her.

  Before she knew what was happening she was out in the yard. The old man calmly removed the bin and beckoned to me. “Right you are, Mr. Herriot, you can get on now.”

  It had taken about twenty seconds.

  Well, that was a relief, and anyway I knew what to do next. Lifting a sheet of corrugated iron which the farmer had ready I rushed in among the little pigs. I would pen them in a corner and the job would be over in no time.

  But their mother’s irritation had been communicated to the family. It was a big litter and there were sixteen of them hurtling around like little pink racehorses. I spent a long time diving frantically after them, jamming the sheet at a bunch only to see half of them streaking out the other end, and I might have gone on indefinitely had I not felt a gentle touch on my arm.

  “Haud on, young man, haud on.” The old farmer looked at me kindly. “If you’ll nobbut stop runnin’ after ’em they’ll settle down. Just bide a minute.”

  Slightly breathless, I stood by his side and listened as he addressed the little creatures.

  “Giss-giss, giss-giss,” murmured Mr. Stokill without moving. “Giss-giss, giss-giss.”

  The piglets slowed their headlong gallop to a trot, then, as though controlled by telepathy, they all stopped at once and stood in a pink group in one corner.

  “Giss-giss,” said Mr. Stokill approvingly, advancing almost imperceptibly with the sheet “Giss-giss.”

  He unhurriedly placed the length of metal across the corner and jammed his foot against the bottom.

  “Now then, put the toe of your Wellington against t’other end and we ’ave ’em,” he said quietly.

  After that the injection of the litter was a matter of a few minutes. Mr. Stokill didn’t say, “Well, I’m teaching you a thing or two today, am I not?” There was no hint of triumph or self-congratulation in the calm old eyes. All he said was, “I’m keepin’ you busy this mornin’, young man. I want you to look at a cow now. She’s got a pea in her tit.”

  “Peas” and other obstructions in the teats were very common in the days of hand milking. Some of them were floating milk calculi, others tiny pedunculated tumours, injuries to the teat lining, all sorts of things. It was a whole diverting little field in itself and I approached the cow with interest.

  But I didn’t get very near before Mr. Stokill put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Just a minute, Mr. Herriot, don’t touch ’er tit yet or shell clout ye. She’s an awd bitch. Wait a minute till ah rope ’er.”

  “Oh right” I said. “But I’ll do it.”

  He hesitated. “Ah reckon I ought to …”

  “No, no, Mr. Stokill, that’s quite unnecessary, I know how to stop a cow kicking,” I said primly. “Kindly hand me that rope.”

  “But … she’s a bugger . .. kicks like a ’oss. She’s a right good milker but …”

  “Don’t worry,” I said, smiling. “I’ll stop her little games.”

  I began to unwind the rope. It was good to be able to demonstrate that I did know something about handling animals even though I had been qualified for only a few months. And it made a change to be told before and not after the job that a cow was a kicker. A cow once kicked me nearly to the other end of the byre and as I picked myself up the farmer said unemotionally, “Aye, she’s allus had a habit o’ that.”

  Yes, it was nice to be warned, and I passed the rope round the animal’s body in front of the udder and pulled it tight in a slip knot Just like they taught us at college. She was a scrawny red shorthorn with a woolly poll and she regarded me with a contemplative eye as I bent down.

  “All right, lass,” I said soothingly, reaching under her and gently grasping the teat. I squirted a few jets of milk then something blocked the end. Ah yes, there it was, quite large and unattached. I felt sure I could work it through the orifice without cutting the sphincter.

  I took a firmer grip, squeezed tightly and immediately a cloven foot shot out like a whip lash and smacked me solidly on the knee. It is a particularly painful spot to be kicked and I spent some time hopping round the byre and cursing in a fervent whisper.

  The farmer followed me anxiously. “Ee, ah’m sorry, Mr. Herriot, she’s a right awd bugger. Better let me …”

  I held up a hand. “No, Mr. Stokill. I already have her roped. I just didn’t tie it tight enough, that’s all.” I hobbled back to the animal, loosened the knot then retied it, pulling till my eyes popped. When I had finished, her abdomen was lifted high and nipped in like a wasp-waisted Victorian lady of fashion.

  “That’ll fix you,” I grunted, and bent to my work again. A few spurts of milk then the thing was at the teat end again, a pinkish-white object peeping through the orifice. A little extra pressure and I would be able to fish it out with the hypodermic needle I had poised ready. I took a breath and gripped hard.

  This time the hoof caught me half way up the shin bone. She hadn’t been able to get so much height into it but it was just as painful. I sat down on a milk stool, rolled up my trouser leg and examined the roll of skin which hung like a diploma at the end of a long graze where the sharp hoof had dragged along.

  “Now then, you’ve ’ad enough, young man.” Mr. Stokill removed my rope and gazed at me with commiseration. “Ordinary methods don’t work with this ’un. I ’ave to milk her twice a day and ah knaw.”

  He fetched a soiled length of plough cord which had obviously seen much service and fastened it round the cow’s hock. The other end had a hook which he fitted into a ring on the byre walk. It was just the right length to stretch taut, pulling the leg slightly back.

  The old man nodded. “Now try.”

  With a feeling of fatalism I grasped the teat again. And it was as if the cow knew she was beaten. She never moved as I nipped hard and winkled out the offending obstruction—a milk calculus. She couldn’t do a thing about it.

  “Ah, thank ye, lad,” the farmer said. “That’s champion. Been bothering me a bit, has that. Didn’t know what it was.” He held up a finger. “One last job for ye. A young heifer with a bit o’ stomach trouble, ah think. Saw her last night and she was a bit blown. She’s in an outside buildin’.”

  I put on my coat and we went out to where the wind welcomed us with savage glee. As the knife-like blast hit me, whistling up my nose and making my eyes water, I cowered in the lee of the stable.

  “Where is this heifer?” I gasped.

  Mr. Stokill did not reply immediately. He was lighting another cigarette, apparently oblivious of the elements. He clamped the lid on an ancient brass lighter and jerked his thumb.

  “Across the road. Up there.”

  I followed his gesture over the buried walls, across the narrow roadway between the ploughed-out snow dunes to where the fell rose steeply in a sweep of unbroken white to join the leaden sky. Unbroken, that is, except for a tiny barn, a grey stone speck just visible on the last airy swell hundreds of feet up where the hillside joined the moorland above.

  “Sorry,” I said, still crouching against the wall. “I can’t see anything.”

  The old man, lounging in the teeth of the wind, looked at me in surprise. “You can’t? Why, t’barn’s good enough to see, isn’t it?”

  “The barn?” I pointed a shaking finger at the heights. “You mean that building? The heifer’s surely not in there!”

  “Aye, she is. Ah keep a lot o’ me young beasts in them spots.”

  “But … but …” I was gabbling now.