The Lord God Made Them All Read online

  “A chicken bone! Don’t you know you should never give a dog chicken bones?”

  “Aye, ah know, ah know, everybody knows that, but we’d had a bird for our dinner and she pinched the frame out of the dustbin, the little beggar. She had a good crunch at it afore I spotted ’er, and now she’s goin’ to choke!” He glared at me, lips quivering. He was on the verge of tears.

  “Now just calm down,” I said. “I don’t think Venus is choking. By the way she’s pawing, I should say there’s something stuck in her mouth.”

  I grabbed the little animal’s jaws with finger and thumb and forced them apart. And I saw with a surge of relief the sight familiar to all vets—a long spicule of bone jammed tightly between the back molars and forming a bar across the roof of the mouth.

  As I say, it is a common occurrence in practice and a happy one because it is harmless and easily relieved by a flick of the forceps. Recovery is instantaneous, skill minimal and the kudos most warming. I loved it.

  I put my hand on the barber’s shoulder. “You can stop worrying, Mr. Anderson, it’s just a bone stuck in her teeth. Come through to the consulting room and I’ll have it out in a jiffy.”

  I could see the man relaxing as we walked along the passage to the back of the house. “Oh, thank God for that, Mr. Herriot. I thought she’d had it, honest, I did. And we’ve grown right fond of the little thing. I couldn’t bear to lose ’er.”

  I gave a light laugh, put the dog on the table and reached for a strong pair of forceps. “No question of that, I assure you. This won’t take a minute.”

  Jimmy, aged five, had left his tea and trailed after us. He watched with mild interest as I poised the instrument. Even at his age, he had seen this sort of thing many a time and it wasn’t very exciting. But you never knew in veterinary practice; it was worth hanging around because funny things could happen. He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels, whistling softly as he watched me.

  Usually it is simply a matter of opening the mouth, clamping the forceps on the bone and removing it. But Venus recoiled from the gleaming metal and so did the barber. The tenor in the dog’s eyes was reproduced fourfold in those of its owner.

  I tried to be soothing. “This is nothing, Mr. Anderson. I’m not going to hurt her in the least, but you’ll just have to hold her head firmly for a moment.”

  The little man took a deep breath, grasped the dog’s neck, screwed his eyes tight shut and turned his head as far away as he could.

  “Now, little Venus,” I cooed, “I’m going to make you better.”

  Venus clearly didn’t believe me. She struggled violently, pawing at my hand, to the accompaniment of strange moaning sounds from her owner. When I did get the forceps into her mouth, she locked her front teeth on the instrument and hung on fiercely. And as I began to grapple with her, Mr. Anderson could stand it no longer and let go.

  The little dog leaped to the floor and resumed her inner battle there while Jimmy watched appreciatively.

  I looked at the barber more in sorrow than in anger. This was just not his thing. He was manually ham-fisted, as his hairdressing proved, and he seemed quite incapable of holding a wriggling dog.

  “Let’s have another go,” I said cheerfully. “We’ll try it on the floor this time. Maybe she’s frightened of the table. It’s a trifling little job, really.”

  The little man, lips tight, eyes like slits, bent and extended trembling hands towards his dog, but each time he touched her she slithered away from him until, with a great shuddering sigh, he flopped facedown on the tiles. Jimmy giggled. Things were looking up.

  I helped the barber to his feet. “I tell you what, Mr. Anderson, I’ll give her a short-acting anaesthetic. That will cut out all this fighting and struggling.”

  Josh’s face paled. “An anaesthetic? Put her to sleep, you mean?” Anxiety flickered in his eyes. “Will she be all right?”

  “Of course, of course. Just leave her to me and come back for her in about an hour. She’ll be able to walk, then.” I began to steer him through the door into the passage.

  “Are you sure?” He glanced back pitifully at his pet. “We’re doing the right thing?”

  “Without a doubt. We’ll only upset her if we go on this way.”

  “Very well, then, I’ll go along to me brother’s for an hour.”

  “Splendid.” I waited till I heard the front door close behind him, then quickly made up a dose of pentothal.

  Dogs do not put on such a tough front when their owners are not present and I scooped Venus easily from the floor onto the table. But her jaws were still clamped tight and her front feet at the ready. She wasn’t going to stand for any more messing with her mouth.

  “Okay, old girl, have it your own way,” I said. I gripped her leg above the elbow and clipped an area from the raised radial vein. In those days, Siegfried or myself were often left to anaesthetise dogs without assistance. It is wonderful what you can do when you have to.

  Venus didn’t seem to care what I was about as long as I kept away from her face. I slid the needle into the vein, depressed the plunger and within seconds her fighting pose relaxed, her head dropped and her whole body sagged onto the table. I rolled her over. She was fast asleep.

  “No trouble now, Jimmy, lad,” I said. I pushed the teeth apart effortlessly with finger and thumb, gripped the bone with the forceps and lifted it from the mouth. “Nothing left in there—lovely. All done.”

  I dropped the piece of chicken bone into the waste bin. “Yes, that’s how to do it, my boy. No undignified scrambling. That’s the professional way.”

  My son nodded briefly. Events had gone dull again. He had been hoping for great things when Mr. Anderson draped himself along the surgery floor, but this was tame stuff. He had stopped smiling.

  My own satisfied smile, too, had become a little fixed. I was watching Venus carefully, and she wasn’t breathing. I tried to ignore the lurch in my stomach, because I have always been a nervous anaesthetist and am not very proud of it. Even now, when I come upon one of my younger colleagues operating, I have a nasty habit of placing my hand on the patient’s chest wall over the heart and standing wide-eyed and rigid for a few seconds. I know the young surgeons hate to have me spreading alarm and despondency, and one day I am going to be told to get out in sharp terms, but I can’t help it.

  As I watched Venus, I told myself as always that there was no danger. She had received the correct dose and anyway, you often did get this period of apnoea with pentothal. Everything was normal, but just the same I wished to God she would start breathing.

  The heart was still going all right. I depressed the ribs a few times—nothing. I touched the unseeing eyeball—no corneal reflex. I began to rap my fingers on the table and stare closely at the little animal, and I could see that Jimmy was watching me just as keenly. His deep interest in veterinary practice was built upon a fascination for animals, farmers and the open air, but it was given extra colour by something else; he never knew when his father might do something funny or something funny might happen to him.

  The unpredictable mishaps of the daily round were all good for a laugh and my son, with his unerring instinct, had a feeling that something of the sort was going to happen now.

  His hunch was proved right when I suddenly lifted Venus from the table, shook her vainly a few times above my head, then set off at full gallop along the passage. I could hear the eager shuffle of the little slippers just behind me.

  I threw open the side door and shot into the back garden. I halted at the narrow part—no, there wasn’t enough room there —and continued my headlong rush till I reached the big lawn.

  Here I dropped the little dog onto the grass and fell down on my knees by her side in an attitude of prayer. I waited and watched as my heart hammered, but those ribs were not moving and the eyes stared sightlessly ahead.

  Oh, this just couldn’t happen! I seized Venus by a hind leg in either hand and began to whirl her round and round my he