My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Read online

  "Who were you planning on going over to Catalina with?" he asked as he was about to open the door to leave.

  "Oh, a girlfriend of mine. We go all the time."

  "Well, if you girls are in a bind, I'd be glad to give you a lift to the island. It's nothing too exciting, just me and Dr. Wheeler, but a patient in need ..."

  "Oh, I'd hate to impose," I said.

  "Oh, please, you might be doing us a favor. It'll be nice to have someone aboard who knows how to sail instead of me. Dr. Wheeler isn't the most gifted seaman." I wasn't sure if I wanted to make this kind of commitment, but Dr. Luke was getting sexier and the thought of seeing him in a pair of shorts with his hair blowing in the wind made me shiver.

  "That would be amazing," I said. "Do you really think it would be okay?"

  "Sure. It will be fun to have some young company. I'll leave my number at the front for you. Call me this week and we'll set it up."

  "That's so awesome of you! Thank you!"

  I couldn't believe how nice this guy was. That was so easy. Except for the part about me sailing.

  I also had to figure out which girlfriend of mine was deserving enough of a weekend trip to Catalina with a doctor. Ivory would be very jealous, but she would have to lie in the bed she made for me. I got Dr. Luke's number at the front desk and hurried outside to find the nearest bookstore. I needed to pick up a copy of Sailing for Dummies fast.

  My phone rang while I was driving. It was my best friend from high school, Rory. She had gone to Penn after high school, gotten an undergrad degree in psychology, and then moved to L.A. to pursue a career in acting and had instead pursued one guy after another. "I need to get out of my date Friday with that loser anesthesiologist. I asked him if he would anesthetize me the other night, and he looked at me as if I asked him to fuck me in the eye. I can't bear another dinner with this guy."

  "Just tell him you're going to Catalina for the weekend with your new gynecologist boyfriend."

  "I wish," she said.

  "No, really. We're going to Catalina this weekend with my new gyno and his partner."

  "Are you being serious?" she asked.

  "Yes. On a sailboat."

  "I love you."

  "Thank you. I didn't actually get a look at your guy, but he is a doctor."

  "Do they have access to anesthesia?"

  "One would assume."

  "Please tell me these arrangements were made while he was giving you a breast exam."

  "I can one up that."

  "You make me so happy, I'll call you right back."

  Rory and I met our studs at his boat slip in the marina. Dr. Wheeler's name was Matthew. He was no Dr. Luke, but he was cute in a darker, more mysterious way. Rory immediately thought Dr. Luke was for her but I told her to step off.

  The boat was beautiful. It was huge and white with massive sails. I knew for sure I couldn't pretend to sail it. I had brought plenty of booze along to give myself a good excuse, but apparently I didn't have to worry because another couple had been invited and they were "avid sailors." Dr. Luke told me that if I wanted in on any of the action I was going to have to take a stand; his friends Lori and Glen were very controlling at the helm of a boat.

  "Oh, well, we'll just see about that," was my response.

  An hour into our boat ride, Dr. Luke pulled out a bag full of Ecstasy. A drug-toting gynecologist! I had died and gone to heaven. When he asked us if we partied, I thought Rory may have peed in her pants a little. Matthew warned us to keep it on the down-low because Lori and Glen didn't "party."

  We all popped our tabs and wandered onto the deck. The thought occurred to me that this was possibly the happiest day of my life. Rory and Matthew started an intense conversation about religion and life on other planets. Those two topics were about as interesting to me as the Louisiana Purchase, so I just bided my time and waited for an in to the conversation.

  The more Matthew talked and drank, the more I got the impression that something was definitely wrong with him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I kept glancing at Dr. Luke for his reaction, but he was barely paying attention to me. Maybe I didn't look so good, I worried. But I knew that was impossible. I had had a facial and a haircut that morning. I'd have to be Tarzan to not look good at that point. During one of Matthew's stories, Rory leaned in and whispered, "He's hot." I was thinking the exact opposite but instead nodded encouragingly and said, "I know, see if you can get him alone."

  Getting him alone, however, seemed impossible. Matthew was going on and on about how sometimes he can see his dead relatives, not really leaving much room for me and Dr. Luke to get to know each other any better. I needed to talk to Dr. Luke and charm him, so he would start paying more attention to me, but he didn't seem interested at all.

  We were on our third bottle of Veuve Clicquot when Matthew said he had to "hit the head." Finally, I would get some stage time. I could talk about my theory of dwarfism and how I think there is an undeniable connection between them and the Little Dipper. It wouldn't be long before Dr. Luke realized that I was more than just a pretty face.

  "I'm going down below to get us some cheese and crackers," Dr. Luke said and left. Two seconds later, Rory stood up. "I'm going downstairs to have sex with Matthew," she said.

  The Ecstasy was starting to kick in, but unlike the rest of the human race, Ecstasy doesn't make me horny. Sure, I may want to kiss someone, but the sudden and rabid need for sex doesn't happen. I much prefer to sit outside, look at the stars, and daydream about what life would have been like had I become a professional women's basketball player.

  I told Rory I didn't care what she did as long as she left me alone, because I was starting to feel really good. About five minutes later, she came back and grabbed my arm, a flurry of delight on her face.

  "You're flying," I said.

  "Yeah, and I'm not the only one. Come with me."

  "Leave me here, go, you can have him," I mumbled. I would have been perfectly happy if I never saw another person again in my life. I felt amazing.

  "The guys are waiting for us," Rory said.

  "Where?" I asked.

  "Downstairs. Come on, Chelsea!"

  "Okay."

  I got up and walked downstairs with her. As we approached the bedroom, I heard a very recognizable sound coming from behind the door--only to be followed by seeing a very shocking thing when Rory pushed open the door. Matthew was inside Dr. Luke. He was doing him doggie style, holding down his head and smacking his ass. What was happening? I wanted to run over and protect Dr. Luke's honor, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Also, I was a little thrown. I had never seen two men having sex before in real life. Rory just stood beside me with a huge grin on her face. She loved controversy.

  I had so many different emotions running through me that I was frozen in place. The only thing I could do was to shout, "Stop that!"

  Matthew and Dr. Luke both looked over at me with huge Ecstasy smiles on their faces and kept going.

  "What is going on here?" I demanded. I sounded like my father.

  Rory was enjoying every minute of my mortification. She didn't even lower her voice to say, "Turns out they're both gay."

  "No, he's his partner,'" I said.

  "Yes, Chelsea ... get it?"

  "Oh, shit." I finally realized what kind of partner he was talking about. I couldn't believe it. I was too high to deal with this. I told Rory we needed to swim to shore.

  We ran up onto the deck and asked Lori and Glen where the life jackets were. Rory asked them how long before we got to Catalina. They said we'd be there in about twenty minutes. Great. No problem. We'd rent a hotel room and take a boat back tomorrow.

  I told Rory not to blow our high and we'd have fun no matter what. The important thing was not to think about what was happening or what I had just seen. I had to focus on the positive--whatever that was. Rory grabbed four more tabs of Ecstasy and shoved them in her purse.

  "Good thinking," I said.

  Dr. Luke an