My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Read online

  Ed felt bad after what happened with Lily, so when I called him about Dumb Dumb, he told me he'd throw in a little extra. I didn't quite know what that implied but hoped it meant anal.

  To set up the rendezvous, I took Dumb Dumb to a Backstreet Boys concert--the only way that I could get her out of the house. There have been a couple of times in my life where I have considered killing myself, and this was one of them. Watching these five guys prance around onstage made me question so many things about our culture. One, where were their instruments? Two, were there actually women out there who were turned on by this? Unfortunately, I was chaperoning one who was. Dumb Dumb was just about climaxing. Not like she would have known what had happened if she had.

  I had Ed meet us there and we would "accidentally" bump into him. Then he would introduce himself as the Backstreet Boys' manager and allude to the idea of going backstage. He looked really good that night, and Dumb Dumb actually spotted him before I did, pointing him out as the cutie standing by the bar.

  "Oh, my God, I know that guy! That's Ed. I've met him a bunch of times!" I said. "What on earth is he doing here?"

  The look of excitement on her face was enough for me to call it a night. This plan was going to work.

  We went over to him, and I made the introductions. "Dumb Dumb, this is Ed. Ed, this is my roommate, Dumb Dumb."

  Ed gave her his newly bleached smile and said, "Well, Dumb Dumb, Chelsea never told me she had a roommate who was cuter than her." This guy was good.

  "Really? Oh, my God, you're soooo funny."

  This was her standard response to anyone she liked, whether what he said was funny or not.

  I left them alone to scope out my own man, but within a few minutes I started to feel sick. My stomach was churning and I had broken into a cold sweat. As I leaned against the wall for balance, doubled over from nausea, it hit me. The Backstreet Boys were actually making me ill. I really had to get out of there. Luckily, this could work in favor of my plan. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it on my own.

  I went back inside to find Dumb Dumb and Ed and explain that I wasn't feeling well. Just as I had suspected, they were sitting together in a booth, where he was regaling her with stories of God knows what, and she was eating it up. I asked Ed if he would mind driving Dumb Dumb home because I wasn't feeling so hot.

  She looked a little scared for a second, but he assured her that she would be in good hands and he would be nothing but a gentleman. I gave Ed a look to make sure he didn't mean that.

  The minute I stepped outside and could no longer hear the music, I felt much better. My girlfriend Jen was going to some male model party that night so I decided to give her a call. She didn't even answer her cell phone with "hello"; she just picked up and said, "Get your ass over here now if you know anything about anything." Jen was Ivory's roommate, and I had grown to like her just as much--mostly because, unlike Ivory, she could hold her liquor and didn't believe in long-term relationships. Jen was the kind of girl who went out only once every so often, so when she did, she meant business. This was gonna be good.

  I got to Falcon at a little after eleven. Plenty of time to make some one-night connections. There were models everywhere. The unfortunate thing was that there were some female ones too. Good. A challenge.

  I found Jen surrounded by three guys who were all named Ross. She threw one my way, and Ross and I grabbed a table in the back.

  Over drinks, I told him all about my roommate and the night's secret mission, and he thought it was hilarious. He must have laughed at everything I said, which can be very annoying, but only in the morning.

  Ross told me how much he hated modeling, and all the pressure, and blah blah blah. His teeth were so white I found myself wondering what kind of teeth-bleaching agents models had available to them that weren't available on the regular marketplace. He was a little predictable, but I'd met a lot worse.

  I thought he had potential in the game of life if he played his cards right. He definitely had potential in the game of my vagina, but who didn't?

  All the other Rosses joined us, along with Jen and some model girl she befriended. Jen befriends everyone. In this case, I had no objections, because the minute this girl opened her mouth, Dumb Dumb seemed a nuclear physicist. Here was proof that lots of people are indeed very challenged. She kept giggling and talking about her parrot who couldn't stop saying "poop." Like "poop" is such a naughty fucking word. Eventually, everyone started ignoring her, and I think she may have finally fallen asleep at the table.

  Jen and I had some alone time while Ross 1, 2, and 3 went to get some more cocktails. A minute later, I noticed Ross chatting up some other girl at the bar. I'm not the jealous type, but I had to lay down the law.

  "Hey, Ross!!" I shouted. Three guys turned to look in my direction. "No, you." Not wanting to be rude, I pointed at my Ross with two fingers instead of one. "Who are you talking to?"

  He smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I'll be right back."

  "No, no, it's okay," I said. "You can talk to other girls, but when I leave, you're coming with me."

  He smiled again and said, "Yes, okay."

  Perfect. I had landed my man and now I could hang out with Jen. I didn't really have much more to say to Ross anyway, and I'd better save what little I did have for later just in case I found myself in a pinch. Jen went on to tell me how Ivory's current boyfriend, Wang, likes to clip his toenails in their living room as well as make fruit smoothies every morning, and then leave the dirty blender in the sink.

  "That's annoying," I told her. "Dumb Dumb would never stand for that."

  "And how is Strawberry Shortcake?" asked Jen.

  "Well, judging by the way I left things, she should be really good."

  I told her about Ed, and after staring at me for close to thirty seconds with her mouth open, she said. "Wow, you're a really good friend."

  "Well, I can't help it if I'm a giver," I told her. Last call came around and I collected my man. He followed me back to my place in Santa Monica and parked in the street, and then we tiptoed inside.

  Quietly, we sneaked across the apartment toward my room. Dumb Dumb's door was shut so I assumed that Ed was in there popping her cherry. I don't know if I slipped myself a roofie or what, but the next thing I can remember is hearing Dumb Dumb screaming at the top of her lungs and Ross nowhere to be found.

  I looked at my clock. It was four-thirty A.M. I threw on a T-shirt and ran into the hall to find Ross standing there naked and Dumb Dumb in a pair of Finding Nemo pajamas still screaming. Apparently Ross thought the toilet was in her room and was so disoriented that he went in there and started peeing. On her.

  I had never taken a guy home to my apartment before because I knew Dumb Dumb had an aversion to strangers, especially men. I thought it would be okay that night because I figured Ed would be there too. Then in the morning, the four of us could fill each other in on the details of the previous night, and Dumb Dumb could make us all heart-shaped pancakes.

  Boy was I wrong.

  I couldn't even understand what Dumb Dumb was saying because it was at such a high pitch. The only other time I had seen her this upset was when I cut off her subscription to Tiger Beat.

  I told Ross to get lost. It was clearly his cue to leave. He kept apologizing and apologizing, but it didn't help. He just looked ridiculous standing there naked.

  I had to calm Dumb Dumb down. Of course, her first interaction with a penis had to be really up close with urine coming out of it. Not a dream come true. It took me a couple months after my first time having sex to even look at a penis. They're just so silly.

  Innocently, I asked her where Ed was, and she said she had the best night of her life, but he didn't even kiss her good night. That bastard! If only Ed had been there, he could've knocked Ross out, and no one would be the wiser. Plus, I'd have had my bed all to myself.

  I apologized profusely and told her how sorry I was about Ross. I assured her I'd get rid of him. Then I helped her change her s