Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me Read online

  FROM: E! Entertainment Television

  SENT: Monday, October 11, 2010, 4:02 PM

  TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

  SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5141, taped 10-11-10

  Hi everyone,

  Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

  ROUNDTABLE

  2:57: Welcome back. Let’s talk about fingering. When specifically used in a sexual context, we can’t go there. But a line like “This is as close as any girl is going to get to one of his fingers” is OK because that could mean a lot of things. In the lower 3rds, describing his new nail polish line as a “finger blast,” it could be argued that you’re talking about the bright color. (When “finger blast” is used in a sexual context, however, the phrase would have to be bleeped.) Well done. However, Chris’ line about “having Justin Bieber’s fingers in your daughter’s vagina” paints too explicit a picture. Please lose the line. Thanks.

  2:58: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “That wouldn’t fucking help us.”

  3:00: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit that goes down there.”

  3:02: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Fuck you.”

  3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit, you’re right.”

  TRACE ADKINS

  3:16: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “He’s a real fucking mess.”

  3:19: Please completely bleep “cock” in “Instead of saying cock…”

  Thanks

  FROM: E! Entertainment Television

  SENT: Thursday, July 22, 2010, 4:17 PM

  TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

  SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5100, taped 7-22-10

  Hi everyone,

  Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

  ROUNDTABLE

  3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I’m too old for this shit.”

  3:13: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “He should fuck Britney Spears.”

  3:14: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “You should fucking end it.”

  3:15: Please completely bleep “shit” in “beat the shit out of his fiancée.”

  3:19: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “doubly fucked.”

  3:20: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “go fuck herself.”

  3:21: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “fucked somebody’s wife.”

  ARSENIO HALL

  3:29: With regard to our previous discussions with Ted about using “shuttlecock” as a euphemism for penis (“shuttlecock” alone is OK but, when “cock” is paired with a word like “suck” as in “suck my shuttlecock,” it’s not, because of the sexual context), please lose Arsenio’s “suck her Cochran” joke.

  3:30: Please completely bleep “nigger” in “Put the nigger on the toilet.”

  3:30: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I don’t give a shit.”

  Thanks

  FROM: E! Entertainment Television

  SENT: Tuesday, July 20, 2010, 4:21 PM

  TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

  SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5098, taped 7-20-10

  Hi everyone,

  Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

  ROUNDTABLE (SHOW #5098)

  3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in Brad’s “Aw shit.”

  3:11: Please completely bleep “Jesus” in Ben’s “Aw Jesus!” (just as Chris comes on camera).

  3:14: Please lose Jo’s retarded impersonation.

  SUSAN SARANDON (SHOW #5098)

  3:27: Please completely bleep “shit” in “We’ll ping-pong the shit out of Milwaukee.”

  CHICKEN CHARLIE (SHOW #5103)

  S&P approved.

  Thanks

  FROM: E! Entertainment Television

  SENT: Thursday, November 18, 2010, 5:15 PM

  TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

  SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5165, taped 11-18-10

  Hi everyone,

  Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

  ROUNDTABLE

  Overall note: A lot of penis and vagina talk for our post-Thanksgiving show. Can we dial some of this back, particularly the “eating pussy” discussion in Act 2? Thanks.

  4:27: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Oh fuck.”

  4:33: Please completely bleep “dick” in “Your Mom knows her way around a dick.”

  4:35: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “And get some pussy.”

  4:35: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “I want some of that pussy.”

  4:36: Please completely bleep “pussy” in “oh, pussy!”

  4:36: Please completely bleep the entire phrase “eating pussy.”

  4:37: Please completely bleep “shit” in “You should hear the shit I say.”

  DONALD SCHULTZ

  4:42: Please completely bleep “fucker” in “You little fucker.”

  4:44: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit.”

  4:45: Please completely bleep “hole” in “Look at that asshole.”

  Thanks

  FROM: E! Entertainment Television

  SENT: Monday, November 15, 2010, 4:51 PM

  TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

  SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5161, taped 11-15-10

  Hi everyone,

  Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

  ROUNDTABLE (SHOW #5161)

  3:42: Please completely bleep the entire phrase “jerking off” in Natasha’s “You can’t stop jerking off to porn.”

  3:45: No need for a fight on the “toilet babies” joke. It’s incredibly tasteless, but it doesn’t violate our standards. Besides, it’s pretty funny.

  3:47: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “Girls like that like to get fucked.”

  MONICA POTTER (SHOW #5161)

  4:02: Please completely bleep “fucking” and “holes” in “Those fucking assholes.”

  TREY SONGZ (SHOW #5162)

  4:18: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit.”

  4:21: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit can jump off.” (Chelsea)

  4:21: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit can jump off.” (Trey)

  Thanks

  FROM: Tom O’Brien

  SENT: Tuesday, July 21, 2009, 4:30 PM

  TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

  SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #4093, taped 7-21-09

  Hi everyone,

  Here are the S&P notes for today’s taping:

  ROUNDTABLE

  3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “You guys hear a ton of shit.”

  MARGARET CHO

  The “fags and fag hags” exchange. The word “fags” by itself is not acceptable in any circumstance, and every use of the word will need to be bleeped. Once before, we have allowed the term “fag hag” in an episode in a context that’s very similar to the way Chelsea used it in today’s roundtable discussion of the gay penguins. We’re OK with that one use. But when Margaret repeatedly uses the term during the interview, it totally changes the tone of the program. We request that the term be bleeped throughout the interview or, ideally, the whole conversation be removed. Can we find another way to get into the “Project Runway” discussion?

  The description of the porn star’s penis. The mention of his 9.2 inches is graphic but the quick mention is defendable. But Margaret crosses the line when she begins the detailed description and visuals of the volume of the penis and talks about her not being able to get it into her ass. It’s just too graphic. Please lose.

  Here are the line-by-line notes for the sequence:

  3:23: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I think I’m a fat piece of “shit.”

  3:24: Please completely bleep “fags” and “fag hags” in “fags and fag hags fighting.”

  3:24: Please completely bleep “fags” and “fag hags” in “fags and fag hags together—there are going to be fights.”

  3:24: Please c