Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me Read online

  “Um, listen up, little snooty assistant,” I told her. “I’m not crazy. I accidentally took two hits of Ecstasy, so you don’t have to take me to the emergency room.”

  Linda has never done drugs in her life. Not once. She goes to church on Sundays. So this news floored her. Then Chelsea walked in the room, was informed of the situation at hand, and didn’t miss a beat as she proceeded to make me a cocktail.

  Once I figured out what the fuck my Monday had turned into, I had an amazing evening. Thank God for Ms Pac Man.

  A VERY BLURRY LINE

  We spend a lot of time in Mexico. We like the sun, tequila, and fish tacos. Chelsea loves to spend at least one day at sea on a yacht. Lucky for us she always takes an interesting group of friends along for the ride. Not so lucky for me, on one of these glamorous days she peed on me.

  This is me on that day on the boat, pre-urination.

  I was sunbathing on the front deck, when Handy came and got me. She said, “Amy, I want to show you something.”

  We went to the back of the boat and she told me to sit in the captain’s fishing chair. She climbed up with me and said, “I just wanted to share this beautiful view with you. We are so lucky that we get to live this amazing life and I’m so glad that I get to share it with you.” As she spoke these lovely words, she urinated on me.

  That pretty much sums up our beautiful and weird friendship.

  This is me contemplating when my life took a wrong turn, post-urination.

  I would like to take this opportunity to say that I would only ever urinate on someone I truly adored, and I would only do it pool- or seaside, so we could immediately rinse off… together. When all is said and done, it is a bonding experience, and there is only a handful of people who can say they have been urinated on by me. I take my urination very seriously and am selective about whom I share it with. I also promise never to take it any further than that. Shadoobies are off limits.

  I believe the real question here is who are all these people who continue to be friends with me after they’ve been peed on?

  —Chelsea

  Chapter Eleven

  Pubescent and Adolescent Mendacity, 1985–1991

  GLEN HANDLER

  Chelsea has three older brothers, of whom I’m the youngest.

  In the summer of 1974, my parents told me they were “thinking” about having another baby. This was alarming news to me. I was a serious ten-year-old boy and I strongly advised my parents against this idea, because it was clear there were already way too many people in the family, and none of them seemed particularly solvent. My parents smiled politely at my counsel, and my mother, Rita, offered some soothing words of encouragement about how much I’d enjoy another sister or brother, since I had been so helpful and supportive with baby Shoshonna.

  Easy for her to say, since it became obvious later that she was already three months knocked up, had no relationship with birth control, and was not “thinking” about having another baby; she was having one. Since I was eleven years old when Chelsea was born, I helped raise her with my mom. My father (aka Platypus) never changed her diaper.

  1979, Chelsea on my shoulders in Martha’s Vineyard with Simone, Shana, and our family friend Sam Gaidemak.

  Growing up with five much older siblings made Chelsea older through osmosis. She also was forced to think for herself, since no one in our family provided guidance of any kind. Don’t get me wrong. Our family was very loving and nurturing; we just were not in the business of offering one another meaningful counsel on how to navigate the world. Our upbringing was a very comforting, warm, and directionless love-in, but any efforts involving parental guidance and/or social interaction outside the four walls of the house were nonstarters. If you wanted a ride somewhere, to sign up for Little League, or your parents to go to the parent-teacher conference, you were completely out of luck, unless you assumed the role of the parent and became your own parent. So that’s what we did. We were child adults.

  Not surprisingly, it was clear early on that Chelsea was advanced beyond her age in terms of sensibility and wit and that she enjoyed the attention of others, especially older people, while simultaneously barely tolerating those in her own age group. Her older-than-her-years outlook shaped her entire existence. It basically allowed her to skip the long parts of childhood that are a complete waste of time, such as art and music class and the Girl Scouts, and concentrate on the more interesting parts of life, such as why most people are so hopelessly fucked up in the head.

  Chelsea was six when I left for college at age seventeen, and ten when I graduated at age twenty-one. She visited me at college with the rest of my family and was a little too comfortable hanging out with me and my fraternity brothers at the AEPi fraternity house at Emory University, in Atlanta. It’s always reassuring when your ten-year-old sister very easily flirts with your twenty-one-year-old fraternity brothers, who themselves act as if she’s just a fellow co-ed. It’s even more reassuring when the gaping age difference completely vaporizes the second your sister starts butchering your frat brothers’ hair, clothes, faces, and witless comebacks.

  “You know she’s ten years old,” I’d occasionally remind my lecherous university comrades.

  “I know, Glen, but I could really see myself going out with her,” said more than one frat brother.

  “That’s great, guys,” I said. “Statutory rape has always been underrated.”

  I moved back home after college, since my first job was with a CPA firm half a mile from my house. It was a fun place to work. It was full of weirdos, and was not too uptight as workplaces go. There was the usual collection of social misfits who formed the melting pot of mid-1980s New Jersey—lots of Jewish, Italian, and Irish accountants debating the dreadful merits of debits, credits, balance sheet adjustments, and deferred income taxes. Fortunately, most folks had a decent sense of humor, except for one or two born-again Christians and one or two complete pricks.

  At this firm, one was required to work Tuesday and Thursday nights and Saturdays during the busy so-called “tax season.” The company provided dinner, so the accountants could quickly get back to churning out tax returns. These extra hours were somewhat flexible and not strictly enforced, so I always went home after the day shift ended, since home was just up the block. I would eat my mother’s cooking, get rid of my suit and tie, and come back in a more reasonable wardrobe: jeans and a T-shirt. Sometimes I would take a nap and come back to work kind of late.

  I started bringing then-twelve-year-old Chelsea to the office on those nights, most likely because there certainly was nothing for her to do at home and because I thought she was the perfect party favor for a wretched evening of tax-related drudgery. Naturally she was a huge hit at the office, and she loved it because there was no real supervision, since the partners didn’t work late. She had an instant large audience of mutant adult accountants to insult, and there was free Coca-Cola, which we would eventually wind up stealing by the caseload when we expanded our visits to even more oddball hours.

  Chelsea didn’t exactly befriend people as much as steal coins from their desks, insult the introverts and the socially awkward, and entertain anyone whom she wasn’t insulting. Typical of the conversations she had with the staff were the following:

  CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL AND AWKWARD ACCOUNTANT STAN ISAACSON (after being introduced to Chelsea): Well, it was nice meeting you.

  CHELSEA: I wish I could say the same… Why would you ever choose to be an accountant?

  SI: It’s what I do best and I enjoy it… Why are you so obnoxious?

  CHELSEA: It’s what I do best and I enjoy it… Now, moving along, did you dress yourself this morning or did your mother pick out your clothes, because you look ridiculous.

  SI: Glen, what’s up with your dick of a sister?

  CHELSEA: Oh, did I hurt your feelings?

  SI: I don’t have to put up with this nonsense.

  CHELSEA: No, you don’t… but you will and you’ll enjoy it.

  SI: