I keep my back turned because I’m barely holding on. All of the pain resurfaces. The lies and mistrust that hang heavy between Aaron and me. The nights I spent sobbing on the floor and waiting for him to come home. Times his aloofness left me wondering, but now I know—he was with her.

“She always would’ve been my choice.”

“You two need to talk,” I say and Aaron grabs my arm again.

“You’re a liar! You told me we were going to build a life together! You promised you’d leave her, and what? Now you want to play the doting husband?” I turn and see her face. Her hands are in tight fists hanging at her side. She looks at me and then back to him. “Was it her name you were screaming when you made our baby? No. So, fuck you and your bullshit apology,” Brittany cries and my pain streams down my face.

“Am I at your house?” Aaron yells at her.

“God, you selfish prick. You told me we would get married. You told me she was cold and barren. You said I was the warmth you needed and that I gave you something you never knew you were missing. I loved you. I gave you what you said you couldn’t live without.” Brittany’s voice is loud and full of hurt.

I hate her. I hate her for making me hear this. I hate Aaron for holding me here against my will.

“You two are the most selfish people I know. You deserve each other!” I cry out and Aaron’s arm drops. “How dare you come to my house? How dare you hold me here and make me hear this? This isn’t love. This is destruction. You don’t hurt people you love over and over,” I spit the words at him. “And you,” I turn my attention to Brittany. “You just can’t stop, can you? It’s not enough to ruin me twice, you needed to come back for the knockout punch? Is there a place you won’t hurt me? You slept with my husband, you got pregnant, and then when he doesn’t choose you . . . you come here. You want him? Have him!” I say and run up the stairs.

“Natalie, wait!” Aaron calls after me, but I keep going.

In the confines of my room, I pray I don’t have to hear anymore. The baby is what gets me every time. It’s the one part of everything, no matter what, I couldn’t forgive him for. I know it’s not for lack of trying that we didn’t conceive naturally, but they did.

A few minutes later Aaron opens the door. “Get out,” I say dejectedly.

“Lee, please.”

“No, I didn’t need to see that.”

He steps further into the room that was once ours. “I needed you to see. She isn’t my choice.”

“Aaron, you don’t get it.” I look out the window and let out a deep sigh. “She isn’t the issue, it’s us. Yes, we were going through so much with trying to get pregnant that I think somewhere in there we both broke apart. I wasn’t the woman you remembered, and you weren’t the man I needed. We failed each other. But instead of either of us talking about it, you went off and slept with her.”

He sits quietly at the edge of the bed. I’m not angry. I’m just over it.

“Not only did you have sex with someone else, you had an affair. A full blown I’m-leaving-my-wife-and-having-a-baby affair.” It reminds me of the second part of my argument. “Then you lied—again. You got back and told me it was one time.”

Aaron turns slightly and grabs my hand, but I snatch it back. “I knew I’d lost you.”

“Don’t you think we both deserve to be happy?”

“That’s all I want. I want us to be the way we used to be,” Aaron admits.

I wish he would understand me.

“We can’t ever be those people again. I’m not the same woman you married. I’ve gone through a lot. Learned a lot about who I am and what I want in life. I want a man to stand beside me and walk through the fire holding my hand. I want a man who, even though we’re not even dating, will leave a woman to come to my side at the hospital. Who will sit with me when I need it. Hold me when I cry and give me love even when it hurts us.” I stand and walk to the nightstand. I see the scrap of paper that came out of his clothing during my rampage. “I found this,” I say as I hand it over.

Aaron takes the paper and his eyes darken. “I was leaving you.”

“And you did that day.” I hold on to the back of the dresser feeling a little dizzy. Today has been crazy and I still haven’t eaten.

“I never gave it to you. I couldn’t.”

The words hang in the air between us, but they have to be said. The guilt of being the person to say them weighs heavily on me. “We need to separate. I need to move forward with my life.”

Aaron stands and takes my hand. “I never did this to hurt you.”

“How did you think it wouldn’t? Being pregnant while you had your mistress pregnant? Or sleeping with her and then coming home and telling me about how our child would finally be here? If you didn’t want to hurt me, you shouldn’t have kept going back. But here’s the thing—I love Liam. I know that’s so incredibly hurtful to you, but he’s who I want to be with.”

I could go further to tell him all the reasons why Liam and I are meant to be, but it wouldn’t help heal us. And for Aarabelle’s sake, we need to be civil, and truth be told, he’s been my best friend since I was a kid. Aaron knows about the first time I snuck out of the house and drank. He was the one who taught me how to drive a car. He carried me down the street when I fell and broke my leg. In his arms I remember thinking how we’d always be together.

I was young and naïve. It doesn’t diminish my memories, but it was an immature way of thinking.

“And if you and Liam weren’t together?”

I take his other hand in mine. “I would still be saying goodbye. I can’t get past the images of you two. I can’t forget the pain I endured alone during all of that. Wondering if you left after I told you about Aarabelle to go to her. These are the thoughts I play over and over. I can’t live like that. Then there’s the fact that even when you had all the time in the world to come back, be a different man . . . you didn’t. You lied to me—repeatedly.”

Aaron releases my hands and holds my face. “I’ll never know how I was able to do it to you.”

I hold his wrists and pull his hands down. “I’m not angry. I will always be your friend.”

My head starts to spin and I wobble a little.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Aaron asks, but everything sounds far away.

“I don’t feel good.” I sit on the bed and the room spins a little. “I think my blood sugar is low.”

“I’ll get you some juice.” Aaron leaves the room and I lie here thinking about all that’s happened the last few weeks. Him being alive, Liam and I dealing with the aftermath, Liam deploying, and now Brittany.

He returns and I sip the juice. I need to do better at taking care of myself. All of this stress is going to wear me down.

“Aaron?” I pull his attention back to me. “I want you to know I don’t hate you. Maybe if things had unfolded differently we wouldn’t be able to talk like this. But in a way, you being gone might have saved a lifelong friendship.”

He sits beside me. “I lost myself before the explosion. I loved you, but it was almost hard to come home. I would look at you and it was like we weren’t Aaron and Natalie. Does that make sense?”