“You could say that,” I half laugh.

“I know you don’t know me, but I feel like I know you. Cat talks about you a lot and she’s worried about you. I don’t know much other than what I’ve overheard, but are you okay?”

I sit on the couch and Ashton sits beside me. “Short answer . . . no. I’m so far from okay I don’t even know what it looks like. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t burden you on your vacation.”

“Please,” she scoffs. “This is an escape from my self-inflicted hell. Plus, with Cat gone, I don’t have much girl talk, so please don’t feel bad. I miss this. She’s practically married to Jackson, and they’re in a good place, so I get nothing.” She grins, and I feel at ease with her. “You have a lot going on, and believe me, I only know what I’m overhearing from G.I. Joe over there. Mark told me that he had to go do something and then dropped me off at Quinn’s. So I’ve pieced a few things together.”

I smile and even if she knows everything, I’m grateful she’s allowing me the sense of privacy. “Quick version . . . my dead husband isn’t dead. Liam is his best friend and has told him he’ll back off. I’m in love with him, and Liam deploys soon. Basically, I’m losing my friggin’ mind.”

“Well, who do you want?”

“Liam,” I say without any hesitation.

“I’m not trying to talk you out of it. But do you think you should give yourself some time to really be sure? Again, you can tell me to eff off and I’d understand. I tend to give unsolicited advice.” Ashton gives me an out, but I feel oddly comfortable. She reminds me of Reanell, and I almost wish I would’ve gone to her instead of coming to see Liam. I’m too conflicted and emotional to be rational.

“Aaron and I weren’t in the best place when he died—well, went missing—I don’t know if we could’ve survived it. He cheated, lied, and I’m not sure we can move forward. Liam has been my rock this last year. I know it sounds crazy, but our love is different than I had with Aaron,” I explain.

It’s true though. My love with Aaron was almost infantile. The way you adore something so much that you only see the good. We loved each other because that was what you do. It’s all I knew and so I thought it was all there was. It doesn’t diminish the time we were together, but when I fell in love with Liam, it was like a part of me clicked. I could’ve never told Aaron things that I can tell Liam. If I told Aaron why I was mad, he’d make me feel stupid. Put me down and tell me I was being ridiculous. Liam draws me out.

“Different is good. Trust me, I’m the last person you should be getting love advice from, but I’ll be here for a little while, and if you want to grab a drink or whatever, let me know.” Ashton stands as the guys walk into the room. “It was sincerely nice to meet you, and I hope I’ll see you soon?” she asks.

Quinn walks over. “I was going to bring Ashton to Aarabelle’s birthday party, if that’s okay?”

Her party. I completely forgot. “Yes,” I say snapping out of my head. “Of course.”

“Great! I know Catherine and Jackson are coming too, so thank you.”

“All right, man, see you at work tomorrow.” Quinn slaps Liam on the shoulder and leaves with Ashton. I give a short wave and she smiles.

I turn to Liam and remember why I’m here. He stands there uncomfortable but I don’t care. He’s not going to play the martyr.

“You don’t think I should get to decide?” I ask with venom dripping from each syllable.

“I don’t think you should have to,” I state while glaring back at her. She comes here pissed off, hits me again, and then breaks down. “You’re a mess, and you can’t tell me it’s me you want when he’s waiting at home for you.”

“He’s only there because you won’t come get me.” She drops to the couch.

“Do you hear yourself? You need to give yourself some damn time. I need time too,” I explain.

She doesn’t see how this alters everything. Aaron being alive makes me the other man. I’m not Aarabelle’s father; I’d be the guy that stole her mom from her dad. Besides the fact that it makes every family gathering the most awkward thing there could possibly be.

“This is impossible for all of us.” Her body almost goes limp. “He’s dealing with coming home after God knows what happened. You’re not wanting to break some code with him, and I’m torn in the middle.” She wraps her arms around her stomach and drops her head.

“Lee,” I say and tilt her head with my fingers. “If we truly love each other, not time, another man, or distance will keep us apart. Do you trust that enough?”

There’s so much at stake, and while I want to be a selfish asshole, I can’t. My loyalty has nothing to do with what I said to Aaron. Truth be told, I couldn’t give a fuck less what he wants me to do. He lost her, but on my way home, I realized she lost herself too. I don’t doubt she loves me. I don’t think she doubts it either, but we need a minute. We both have to figure out the best way to handle it, and I can’t be the one to tell her what to do. I leave for deployment in two weeks, and there’s talk about leaving a week earlier. The deployment gives us the time and space to work through it all and really see if what we have is strong.

“I know I love you. I trust that right now all I have in my heart is you.”

“I think we need to take my deployment as a break,” I utter the words and instantly wish I could take them back.

The last thing I want is a break from her, but it’s the only choice we have. I won’t put her through trying to sort things out with him while I’m deployed. I don’t want to worry about what she’s doing while I’m gone. I need to focus on my men and keeping myself safe. This type of shit is what gets guys killed.

Her face falls and I see the pain spark in her eyes. I hate hurting her. “I seriously can’t believe this.”

I take her hand in mine and savor the feel of her skin beneath my fingers. “I love you, Natalie. More than I should, but I can’t have this shit hanging between us when I go. We won’t be able to talk a lot when I’m gone, and I already knew I would go batshit crazy when I leave, but now . . .” I trail off.

Her blue eyes pierce through me, and I see how hard this is for her. “Can I write you? Can I see you before you go?”

Every part of me disintegrates with her questions.

I hope to God there’s a way we can find a way back through this, because if I lose her for good, I don’t know I’ll ever go through this shit again. There’s a part of me that always wondered if he was actually alive who she’d choose and if we can stand the test. This is the time to prove it.

“You don’t get it. I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want to do this, but I think we have to. I need to focus when I’m away, and imagining Aaron moving in on you will get me killed. Do you understand?”

“Please don’t say stuff like that. He’s not moving in on me and nothing will happen to you.”

I bring her against me and close my eyes. If only it were so simple. If I were Aaron, I would fight to the death. Which is exactly what he’ll do. Brittany isn’t who he wants to be with. It’s Lee, who happens to be who I want as well. I won’t ruin myself in the process though. If she wants to be with him, I won’t stand in her way, because he had her first. Even if it kills me.