“I get it. Listen, I’m leaving New York and I’d love to come stop by on my way back to Virginia. Are you around?”

“Yes!” I practically yell. “I’d love that. I have some stuff I need to finish up around here, but I’d love to see you and Aarabelle.”

“Great. Text me your address and I’ll head over.”

I send it off and try to clean up a little more before she gets here. I’m excited to hold the baby and get to spend some one on one time with Natalie. Our entire relationship has been only through phone calls. Then there was the memorial, but it really wasn’t the time for a big friendly chat.

The doorbells rings a few minutes later and I rush over to open it.

I swing the door open and she stands there holding Aarabelle. “Hey, come in! Come in.” Aarabelle is beautiful. Her pretty pink dress and white frilly shoes melt my heart. You can’t help but want to smile around babies.

“Thanks,” Natalie smiles and enters the room. It’s amazing how someone who just had a baby is already as tiny as she is.

She places the baby in the car seat as she puts her long blond hair into a quick braid. Natalie’s bright blue eyes narrow and she looks me over. “You look like I feel,” she chuckles.

“That bad, huh?” I ask.

“No, not bad at all, just tired of it all.”

We sit on the couch and I fight back the emotions bubbling up. This woman has truly lost it all. The man she loves is gone and she will never see him, touch him, or hear his voice. Jackson isn’t dead, but there was a time where that could’ve been the outcome. I sat there watching and wondering if he would make it.

“I guess you know everything?”

Natalie places her hand on mine and smiles. “We’ll talk boys later, let’s talk about the job.”

“Only if I can hold that beautiful little girl.” I grin and she laughs.

“Of course!” Natalie says as she grabs Aarabelle. “I swear, she hasn’t been put down once in her life.” We both laugh as she hands her to me.

Her tiny frame fits in my arms as I delicately hold her.

We talk a little about the job and the move. Before I finally turn the tables onto finding out about her. “How are you doing?” I ask Natalie.

“Some days are good. Some days are awful. Post-partum doesn’t help but she grounds me. She makes me get up and live. Plus, either Mark or Liam, Aaron’s swim buddy, call or stop by daily. They drive me absolutely insane,” Natalie says with a soft smile as she gazes at her daughter in my arms.

“I’m sure Mark can drive anyone nuts.”

“Well, then there’s Jackson, who calls me practically every damn day. I know they’re all worried, but honestly, Cat, I knew this was going to be my life. The reality was that one day this could happen. I was built for this. I entered a marriage with Aaron knowing he could die. Does it hurt any less? No, but it was the chance I took when I loved him.”

“You’re so strong,” I say looking at her and then at Aarabelle.

She lies sleeping, oblivious to all the pain in this world. She’ll grow up very similar to me. I know what it’ll feel like for her to have no father for a father-daughter dance, how she’ll feel sad when other girls in her class talk about their daddies. Aarabelle will never know what his hugs feel like, what it’s like to have an in-house protector from childhood on. I remember the pain and hurt of not knowing that kind of love. Although this little angel will never really be without a man because of Aaron’s military family, but it won’t ever be her daddy. When she’s ready to give her heart to the man she loves, she won’t have him there to give her away.

“Strength isn’t measurable, it’s inside of each of us and we need to find it when we feel weak. I refuse to break. Besides, I’m no different than you are right now.”

Natalie’s statement snaps me from my internal pain. “I’m not half as strong as you are.”

She leans forward and fixes Aarabelle’s dress. “I see it differently. At least from what Jackson explained.”

“I’m not sure what he told you.”

Natalie smiles warmly and her head tilts to the side. “He told me everything. About how he’s an idiot and never told you about Madelyn. How he lied and hurt you. He explained it all.”

“I wish he would’ve told me before.”

“When she died, it destroyed him. I’ve seen these guys low, but he was beside himself. It was like he shut off every part of him that could feel. Plus, if he had told you, you have no idea what path your life would’ve taken. I think all the choices we make are a road we were meant to veer off onto.” Natalie absently coils her hair around her finger. “I loved Aaron more than anything. We were together since we were nineteen. I was there with him when he signed the papers and left for bootcamp. I watched the bus drive away with him on it. I was there the day he graduated and then went through BUDs. My life was always his. Even when he got out,” she laughs softly. “My life has never been my own. Everything we did, everywhere we went was always Aaron’s choice. Now I have to choose and I don’t know what to choose.” A tear rolls down her face and she catches it.

“You have so many people who love you and Aarabelle. I know Jackson would help you in any way.”

Aarabelle begins to stir in my arms and then settles.

“I know. He’s kinda a good guy.”

“Yeah. Kinda.” I laugh and Natalie joins me.

“Okay, no more heavy crap. I think I’ve had all I can take. Tell me about California.”

We spent the next hour chatting about life, California, and all the things about being a mom. Natalie was stationed in San Diego for years and tells me all the places I need to go. We talk about how much she loved it out there and how she’d love to come visit.

“I’d love to keep chatting, but Aara and I need to get our butts on the road,” Natalie says as she puts Aarabelle in her car seat.

“Thanks for coming over. I know we never really saw each other, but I’m going to miss you.”

Natalie smiles and pulls me in for a hug. “If things hadn’t happened the way they did, we wouldn’t have met,” she pulls back and looks at me. “I know he hurt you, but don’t give up.” I nod and she continues, “I’ve lost the great love of my life. I know what it feels like to have that taken away. I’m not telling you not to go and follow your dreams, because I think you should go. Sometimes love isn’t enough, but sometimes it is. He does love you though, don’t ever doubt that.”

“I don’t doubt his love. And I love him, but our entire relationship has been one thing after another. We’ve gone from bad to worse to amazing and then plummeted again. I need to rely on myself. I just hate losing him at the same time.”

She pulls me back in for a hug, “I’m sorry.”

I laugh against her. “I can’t believe you’re consoling me.”

“I’m happy for once I’m not the one blubbering.” Natalie laughs and we say our goodbyes.

Unfortunately, this is only the beginning of them.

“Taylor, please come in here!” I ask her once again. My flight leaves tomorrow morning and I don’t have a lot of time. She keeps ignoring me and making excuses why she doesn’t have time for my “bullshit.”