He groans and lets me up reluctantly. “I’ll be here in case you change your mind about the smothering.”

“I’ve got the closing in a few hours. I need to get up and get ready. But thanks for the offer.”

He laughs and gets out of bed while I hop in the shower.

This conversation is happening and time isn’t on my side. All I want to do is wrap my arms around him and hold on. My heart aches when I recall everything we shared last night. I hate how his fear of thinking I’d see him at fault kept him from telling me. Our paths might have been different than they are at this moment. My dream job is in California but my dream man is in the other room. I can’t give either up but I have to choose.

I clean up in the bathroom and when I come out, I smell coffee. Making my way into the kitchen, Jackson is standing there in his boxers and I can’t hold back the appreciative sigh.

The cocky smile spreads across his face when I’m caught admiring him, but he doesn’t say anything.

Once I have my cup of coffee we sit at the table. “We should talk,” I begin.

“I’d rather not,” Jackson says as he leans back in the chair.

“I’m sure, but I need to get this out.”

He grabs my hand and laces his fingers with mine. “I need to say something before you start. I never wanted to keep secrets.”

“But you did.”

“That night Aaron died, when we sat on the couch, I had it all planned out on how to explain about Madelyn.” His grip tightens slightly. “Then I got the damn call from Mark. I couldn’t think straight. I was responsible for someone else’s death. Then I was shot and I wanted to forget about it and be with you. Here’s the thing,” Jackson pauses and runs his hand through his hair. “Even if Maddie was alive, I don’t think I’d be married to her. I resented her for making me leave the Navy.”

My stomach rolls as I think about the resentment he talks about. It’s how I’d feel about him if I gave up my job. I release Jackson’s fingers and sit back in my chair holding my hands tightly.

When I look up, he rubs his hand down his face. “I’ve really lost you, haven’t I?”

Looking at the table, the poisonous word is on my tongue. “Yes.”

“I saw it in your eyes,” Jackson admits and my heart breaks at the sadness in his voice.

I thought he knew but I wasn’t sure. If I could go back in time and rewrite our history I would. I’d do so many things differently, but this is life and love is messy. There’s no pretty bow on the box.

“I know yesterday was a lot for you and for me. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for all you’ve lost. No one should have to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me by not telling me about your wife.”

“But it doesn’t change anything for us, does it?”

Oh, how I wish it did.

“No. Things have changed for me.”

“Is there someone else?” Jackson asks and he gets up out of the chair.

“No, there’s no one else.”

“Then what? Just say it so I can fix it,” he says hurriedly.

I close my eyes and say the words I don’t want to tell him, “I’m moving to California.”

“What? When?” He starts to pace around the kitchen.

“I leave in three days,” I say looking down, not wanting to see his face.

Jackson sits back in the chair and doesn’t say a word.

“I was offered a large promotion in CJJ. It happened a few days after we broke up. Anyway,” I say as the pain lances through my chest. “I was offered to head up the office they’re opening out there. It’s a huge opportunity for me, and it’s what I’ve dreamed of.” I look up and he closes his eyes.

“Funny,” Jackson pauses and let’s out a shaky laugh. “Here I sit with the shoe on the other foot and all I want to do is beg you to stay with me. I want to say anything to make this not happen, but I can’t ask you to give up your dream job. I fucking hate this.”

A sob erupts from my chest and Jackson’s arms are around me in a moment. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you in last night. I knew this was going to kill me today,” I cry against his chest.

“I’m not letting go, Catherine.”

I grip his shoulders and hold on, not knowing when I’ll ever feel his body against mine again. “You have to.”

Sure, we could try and make it work long distance, but who knows how long that would last for. Jackson runs two companies and travels, and my job is going to be extremely demanding.

“We’ll see,” he says and releases me. Jackson stands there for a minute before heading into the living room as he collects his uniform.

I sit here feeling desolate and numb.

When he returns, he pulls me from my chair and holds me one last time. “Can I call you?” Jackson chokes out.

I look up and see the emotion in his eyes. “I’d like that,” I say as my heart shatters.

“I love you, Catherine.”

The tears stream like rivers down my face. “I love you too, Jackson. So much. I wish …” I trail off unable to say what I wish because we both know.

“Me too, baby. Me too. I’ll call soon.”

I close my eyes as our lips meet. He holds my head and we both pour everything we’re feeling into each other. Jackson pulls back from my lips too soon. He kisses my forehead once and turns, walking out the door. I hear the door close and I crumble to the floor.

Love is messy and life sucks.

The house is sold, my things are packed, and I’m finally taking care of some last minute stuff before my last day of work tomorrow. My emotions are all over the place. I’m sad that I only have a few tangible things to hold onto of my father’s. I’m excited for the new venture my life is about to embark on. Most of all, I’m broken over losing the love of my life. I go from one extreme to another depending on the hour.

It seems like the only part of my life that I have any control over is my work. Tristan and I have planned out the first week and he’s already setting things up with new employees. Already he’s proven himself to be valuable and reliable.

My phone rings and it’s Natalie.

I swipe the screen to answer. “Hey, Nat,” I say with a big smile.

“Hi, Cat,” she giggles softly. “Aren’t we the rhyming names?” Natalie muses.

I laugh with her, “I’m glad you called me back. I’m so sorry I left so fast.”

“It’s fine. Honestly, the memorial was a blur. I would’ve talked to you and probably not remembered. I thought being so far out from his death it wouldn’t have been so hard for me.”

“I don’t know anyone would ever fully get over it, do you?” I ask.

“Probably not,” she pauses. “I heard you’re leaving in a few days.”

I sigh and run my hands through my hair. “Yeah, I leave in two days.”

“The last thing I expected to hear was you were going to California. Why didn’t you tell me?” She chuckles but I hear the hurt in her voice.

“Sorry, I don’t have any excuses. I didn’t want him to know.” I feel bad because I didn’t want to be deceitful but at the same time I didn’t want to risk it.