He shrugged. “Live, I guess. Help you find that book maybe. Take up knitting. Who knows where the wind will take me?”

I made a serious face and nodded. “Knitting sounds right up your alley.”

He grinned and gave a soft laugh. “I hear it’s all the rage.”

We laughed, and after a few moments, an ache grew in my heart. “Thank you for everything, Cadan.”

“Of course.” His shoulders sank as if he knew where this was going.

“I can’t tell you how much it means to me,” I said. “How much you mean to me.”

“I feel a but coming.”

I sighed and purposely avoided using that word. “Will is my Guardian. We’ve been through so much together, and I’m in love with him.”

He didn’t reply right away, but his gaze fell to my lips for only a heartbeat before returning to my eyes. “I know, and it’s okay.”

“Are you okay, though?”

He gave me a beautiful smile. “I’ll never be okay. I’ll never stop wanting you, but… I can’t have you and I’ve accepted that.”

Sadness pulled me down like a churning undertow. “I’m sorry. I mean it. But you know that …” I trailed off, afraid of hurting him anymore with what needed to be said.

There was a curious little smile in the corner of his lips, and an icy hand squeezed my heart. “What?”

I took a deep breath and tried again. “You have to know that the only reason you feel like this is because of what I am.”

He shook his head, confusion filling his eyes like cold water washing away the opal flames. “What … you are?”

“The Preliator,” I continued painfully. “Gabriel. Because I’m an archangel. Nathaniel told me that it’s instinctive, this attraction, or whatever you want to call it.”

His smile vanished and his jaw set, muscles clenching. “Love.”

“Yeah,” I said, and my lip trembled with the word. “It’s an effect that the divine have over all reapers. It’s not real. It’s an infatuation.” That sounded so harsh, but it was true. At least, unlike most demonic reapers’, Cadan’s attraction was romantic instead of violent.

“And what about Will?” he asked almost defensively. “Is his love for you real?”

I chewed on my lip. “Will and I … we have five hundred years of history. We’ve been through the best and worst things two people can endure together. We’ve fought for this, fought against what we feel, for a very long time. Cadan, you and I—we barely know each other.”

He looked away from me for only seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. He swallowed hard. “It feels real to me.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, my heart threatening to crack like glass.

His face softened, and the anger that had just traced his brow melted from his gentle gaze. “I’m glad I still feel what I feel, whatever it means. It feels good. I can’t regret that.”

I bit on my lip, swallowing back tears, and I quelled the urge to move to him, to curl myself into him and feel his presence all around me. “Cadan …”

He touched my cheek. “No matter what you choose, I’ll defend you against anything. I can’t be your Guardian, but I’ll protect you like one.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly. “I trust you.”

“Even though I’m demonic?”

I grinned back and sniffed, my smile trembling. “Even though you’re demonic.”

His smile grew. “Even the demonic can be blessed. Who’d have thought?”

I stood up on my toes and kissed his cheek gently, kissing him good-bye. His hands took my hips and pulled me closer to him. He kissed my neck and moved his lips toward my own, wanting more, but I drew back and put my hand to his chest, stopping him. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I couldn’t give him more.

“Get a room!” someone shouted behind us, the words followed by a chorus of laughter. Mortified, I covered my face in my hands and didn’t turn around.

A sly smile darkened Cadan’s expression, and he nodded over to the rude kid. “I like the way he thinks.”

I smacked his chest. “Shut up.” But I was grinning, happy to see him back to his old self.

His smirk eased effortlessly into a warm smile, and he thumbed my cheek. “I’m going to miss this.”

I let out a snort. “What? Me smacking you?”

He laughed. “No,” he said softly. “Touching you. Kissing you. I envy my brother.”

Sadness filled me heavily, and I felt like a bag of sand stitched together with string, unable to move without ripping open. “You won’t have to miss me, though. I want you to be my friend. I don’t want to lose you.”

He sighed. “I know. And I want to be your friend, too, even though I want more. But I will love just being your friend, Ellie.”

“I’m glad,” I said. “I need you in my life.”

“Ask me for anything, any task, and I’ll do it for you,” he promised. “Call me anytime, for anything. I wish you well.”

I smiled as Will’s brother disappeared into the Grim, fading away like smoke from a flame. “Good-bye, Cadan.”

32

FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK, I WAS FORCED TO LISTEN TO every single senior girl run her mouth off about prom. It was to be held on Saturday night at a fancy hotel, and by Wednesday, with only three days left, it was all anyone could manage to talk about. I was so sick of hearing about it.