“But you did freeze your eggs, and here you are all these years later getting ready to have your baby.”

“I know. I just thought we’d get time to process it all; I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet. And then … you know, I told my mom about meeting with Wendy and she makes me start to think about …”

“What?”

I don’t like talking about this. I hate feeling so weak. I feel like when I’m taking a step forward, I’m being pushed back down when I’m forced to think about it all.

“Dre?”

“All the what-ifs when it comes to my health. I’ve dreamed of this, Amy. And then … my mind plays tricks on me and I starting thinking, what if my heart isn’t under control and everything spirals downward? Or … I go in for a scan and they find something? I could handle it. I know I could. I’m strong enough. But could Parker handle it? Then I think about our unborn baby and if something did show up one day, how would that affect my child?” I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but I need to express my thoughts.

“No, I’m stopping you right there. There are no what-ifs. There is no more cancer, Aundrea. That chapter of your life is over. Dre, listen to me. You’ve had to grow up much sooner than most people your age. Look at the last year alone, and how much you’ve grown. How confident you are, not only in your personal life but in the impact you have on people you see in the clinic every week. You’re following your dreams, and I’m so proud of you.”

I fight back tears. “Yes, it’s been three years, but I have two more years until I’m considered in remission. That’s a long time. Do you know what I go through every time I get a cold and have swollen glands? The first thing I think is that my cancer is back. I have to fight the urge to panic. Not because I’m scared, but because I think about how Parker will take the news. How he would hold up. And now …” I collect my jumbled thoughts, hoping to make sense of them.

“I’m not afraid of my cancer, my heart, or dying, Amy. I never was. But I’m terrified to leave my loved ones behind. I’m scared beyond belief to think about my child living without me, motherless. About how it will affect the rest of their life. That they’ll have to go on without knowing who I am; that there are so many things I would miss out on. I never want to watch those around me suffer if I get diagnosed again, or if one day I get bad news about my heart.”

“We’re all going to die, Dre. You will leave your loved ones and there is no way around that. It may not be cancer, or your heart, but something will take your life one day, and when that day comes you better be screaming from the rooftops that you lived a life worth screaming over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to move forward with your life.

“I haven’t met one person—me included—who hasn’t thought about death and how it will affect the people they leave behind. But believe me when I tell you I will never let doubt or fear run my life. As cheesy as the saying is, I will cherish each day as if it’s my last. You should do the same. Life’s too short, Aundrea. Be happy in the now.”

Her words hit me right in the pit of my stomach. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to move forward with your life.

“I want that, but how do you get over your deepest fear and move on to live the life you want to have? That you deserve to have?”

“You look fear in the eye and jump off the ledge. Have you talked this over with Parker?”

I shake my head.

“Genna?”

“No. Genna’s like my mom. She tends to worry, and I don’t want that. She’s in a really good place right now with the business, Jason, and Hannah. The last thing I want is to worry her with my random thoughts.”

“What about Jean?”

“Jean knows. She’s always known.” Jean listens. She makes the pain go away with only her presence.

“Talk to her.”

“I hate showing that I’m weak. I’m supposed to be strong.”

“You are, but sometimes the strong ones need to lean on someone, too. You can’t always be the one to make everything perfect. Your past doesn’t determine who you are. Don’t let it. You need to have faith. Getting over a fear doesn’t happen overnight, but accepting it will get you a lot closer to being over it.”

“You’re right.”

I need to continue doing what I have been: focusing on our future.

Our family’s future.

“When I was diagnosed with breast cancer it made me reevaluate my life. I was so focused on having everything around me in line that I lost focus on what was right in front of me: my family.” Amy pauses, sipping her water. “Just know that sometimes what life brings you—what’s not in your control—can be positive.”

I cradle the hot mug of coffee, focusing on how the warmth seeps into my fingertips and hands and moves through me. The aroma of the dark roast, with a hint of vanilla from their special creamer, fills the air.

“When did you become so wise?” I ask, smiling weakly.

Amy grins. “Don’t dwell so much on your path having to go a certain way, Aundrea. There will always be bumps in the road, but sometimes those bumps are good. You’ll see that when you’re finally holding that precious gift in your arms, and I hope to see that day.”

I always said during my cancer that life has a plan for me. Maybe the things you never thought you’d get to have, live to see, or be able to do somehow find you.