“Sorry again about the coffee,” I apologized more sincerely for that spill than I had anything else in my entire life.

Ok. Almost anything else.

With one giant exception.

“No worries,” he replied without even a smile before the door was shut on me and he, whoever he was, went back to flirting with Kenna in the office.

That was honestly a first for me.

Chapter Three

After a mind numbing morning, I needed a break from the world of academia but could truthfully say I was not looking forward to lunch. Seriously, there was nothing more intimidating for a teenager than starting school well after everyone else and facing the death chamber known as the lunch room.

And I was not even thinking about the food.

I was pretty sure I would have preferred lethal injection.

Or at least the lame therapy center my mom sent me to for recovery. Nobody judged you there at lunch. In fact, lunch usually came in the form of an assortment of rainbow colored pills in Dixie cups.

Mmmm. Delicious.

I had no friends at my school- none. Exie and Sloane, the only people in my life I could use that term even loosely with, went to private school. Why? Because their moms loved them. Well, maybe love was too strong of a word, but they cared more about their reputation than life experience, unlike my mom.

I had nobody here. I mean there were guys I had dated, or used or whatever. But girls in general hated me and I usually tried to avoid all past relationships. Using ex-boyfriends for friendship instead of making out usually tended to confuse most guys and I didn’t have the patience to deal with that.

But I hated feeling intimidated and I hated it even more when I wasn’t brave enough to face my fears. So I took a deep breath and stepped into the stale smelling cafeteria and hoped for the best.

The best being me making it to the end of the period alive.

And with no more food spills or stains on my now pathetic outfit.

I got in line immediately so I could scope out the room under the pretense of boredom and started filling up my tray with various healthy options, like an apple and bottled water. Lunch could not get more exciting than that….

“Hey,” Chase came up behind me, startling me a bit.

“Hey,” I offered back and then resettled the bottle of water I had tipped over in my jumpiness. “So, that’s cool, we have lunch together.”

“Looks like it,” he smiled, his eyes twinkling with interest.

Ok… so my mojo still worked with him? I didn’t get it.

What was going on with the mystery-coffee-spilling office attendant then?

“Where are you sitting?” I paid for my meager lunch, hating that I couldn’t stop eyeing the cheese fries. I mean they were products of a high school cafeteria; they were going to be awful. Still… they didn’t look awful, they didn’t smell awful and they’re nearly neon yellow processed cheese topping practically had my mouth drooling.

“Is that all you’re getting?” Chase looked down at my mostly empty tray.

“Uh, no?” I gave into the cravings that were haunting me and grabbed a granola bar without paying for it as I followed him through the lunchroom. It wasn’t cheese fries, but I hoped it would at least tide me over until dinner. It would be just me and my mom tonight so I had a super yummy bare as could be salad to look forward to.

Yum. Lettuce.

A fresh wave of utter hatred for my life washed over me.

And in a new form of self-loathing masochism I gave one last longing glance back at the cheese fries.

“I’m over here,” Chase called, pulling my attention from the greasy, fattening food I wasn’t allowed within smelling distance of.

Exie and Sloane were so much better at not missing junk food than me. But ever since I hit puberty and had to give up virtually anything that couldn’t be bought in a hundred calorie snack pack, I decided my very first purchase with my trust fund would be a candy bar. Ok, probably it would be a plane ticket, but then definitely a candy bar.

Maybe two.

I was awesome at dreaming big.

I followed Chase to his table, nearly groaning at how many girls were sitting near or around him. This was going to be an interesting lunch.

We wedged in between two of his friends. I knew they were friends because of the guy fist pump thing they did when we approached and how they scooted out of his way so we could sit down on the narrow bench seat.

“Ivy Pierce?” The guy sitting next to me asked all surprised and shocked.

“Yep,” I nodded, peeling open the wrapper of my granola bar. I realized then that if the entire table kept staring at me like that I wasn’t going to be able to eat any of my lunch. Damn it.

“I didn’t think you were coming back, like ever,” he so eloquently explained his disbelief.

“Well, I’m here,” I clarified shyly.

I was not shy. Actually the farthest thing from shy, but along with the feral attraction the boys at this table were watching me with was a mixture of astonishment and confusion. It was super distressing and I kind of just wanted to find a quiet place and die.

That wasn’t too much to ask for was it?

“So they wouldn’t let you transfer to another district?” A snotty girl from across the table asked innocently. I knew boys, but I knew mean girls better and this girl had an agenda. Her overly big brown eyes watched me with excited anticipation and I could almost feel her punch line hanging in the air.

I just shook my head.

“Oh, they didn’t want you either, then,” she sighed with mock sympathy. The girls around her tittered away their approval of her joke and I shrunk into Chase, using him as a shield against the open hostility.

Last year I would have snapped back with something that was both witty and cruel. I would have easily put her in her place by simultaneously hacking away at whatever façade of self-esteem she had and planted seeds of doubt that would plague her for years to come. I would have shut off every emotion and trickle of potential guilt and acted in the way I was raised to. I would have made my mother proud.

But since nowadays I could barely look at myself in a mirror, I had nothing for Amber. I couldn’t even level her with one of my death glares. She was right after all; no other district would let me transfer into their school. Not even my mom’s own power of persuasion could get me in. I mean, that was a lot of fear and rejection.

“Geez, Amber,” Chase muttered disapprovingly at my persecutor.

“What? It’s the truth,” Amber narrowed her eyes on me. She was really pretty with her short rich brown bob with red highlights. Her face was pixie-like with a cute nose and full lips underneath her huge eyes. She was definitely pretty enough to get all the attention of the boys at this table. She shouldn’t have had to fight me for it anyway.

But she did.

We both knew it.

Only I was the only one who knew why.

“I’m sorry about my rude friend,” Chase sighed, shooting Amber a look. Her eyes narrowed infinitesimally more and I recognized the pain she was trying to cover up.

She liked him.

“It’s alright, she’s right.” I had to stop with the pity party or I would never be able to keep my stone-cold-bitch rep up. I went through the routine I always did, the one where I stripped away my real feelings and replaced everything about me with what was expected of me. I sat up straighter, and pulled my wavy red hair over my shoulder where I knew it would look the most attractive, I put on an amused smile and then laughed. “Guess you guys are stuck with me.”

That was met with a murmured chorus of “We don’t mind,” from the guys around me.

Amber did not like that and with a snort of disgust, got up from the lunch table followed by her posse of high school socialites.

“She’s kind of annoying, right?” a guy from across the table asked.

I shrugged in response, but his amused tone made me lift my eyes to meet his and when I did I almost audibly sighed. He was one of those adorable kind of high school boys with curly, way too long shiny brown hair and a once upon a time broken nose. He was scrawnier than most of the guys around me and endearingly disheveled.

On closer inspection, he was less scrawny and more…. gangly. Like really long and lanky, which was my favorite type of guy, but only because they always seemed so cartoonish and I was oddly fascinated by very tall people.

“When did you get back?” tall guy asked casually.

Chase shifted next to me. This was an uncomfortable road we were about to walk down, he probably didn’t want his friend pissing me off and ruining his chances with me. If only he knew he had absolutely nothing to worry about.

“Uh, yesterday,” I mumbled.

“Whoa, and you’re already in school?” tall guy blurted in disbelief. “I would think you should get at least the rest of the week off.”

I laughed at his nonchalance about the whole thing. Good for him. “I’m pretty sure this is just all part of my mom’s never-ending scheme to punish me until the day I die.”

“Ah, I have parents like that,” tall guy nodded knowingly.

“I doubt they’re as bad as mine,” I sighed.

“Really? My name is Phoenix,” he laughed and the rest of the guys around him laughed too.

“Phoenix?” I smiled. He was kind of contagious.

“Yep. Phoenix. They’re total hippies. My little sisters have it worse than me; their names are Sparrow and Wren. But the baby, as in the newborn baby my forty year old parents conceived and then birthed… at home…. In the bathtub…. they named him Buzzard.”

I gasped loudly. It couldn’t be helped. “No they did not!”

He just nodded, laughing at my reaction. “It’s true. My sisters and I have already decided we are only ever calling him Buzz, but still, can you imagine my hippy mom with her dreadlocks and marijuana perfume chasing after him in the grocery store wearing all of her hemp clothes yelling ‘Buzzard you get over here!’”

I giggled at his story- giggled. The sounds felt strange and jumpy in my chest, but still they flowed out, exercising my ribs in a way that had been atrophied for way too long.

“I can totally see your mom doing that too,” Chase laughed with me. His hand had slipped to my lower back as if protecting me from falling backward off the slim bench.

“You’re right,” I gasped for air, this time in a good way, “six months of banishment and public school hardly seem bad at all compared to a lifetime of Buzzard.”

“So you see my point,” Phoenix nodded.

“Where were you banished to?” the guy next to me asked.

“Uh….” I stuttered. I was prepared to not deny rumors, but I hadn’t exactly prepared myself to come up with my own explanation. “Rehab,” I choked out in a lie.

“Really?” He couldn’t stop himself from the shock and I couldn’t blame him.

“Yep,” I looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

I felt him shift toward me on the bench. Oh no, he was going to ask more questions.

And then I felt the cool gray eyes of mystery guy on me. I couldn’t explain how I felt his stare before I saw him approach the table, it wasn’t like we had a connection of any kind or I knew him at all. But then Kenna’s laughter floated through the air and drew my attention before I could stop myself.

They were joining us. His arms were wrapped around her waist and she was looking up at him, laughing with careless grace at something he had said. She rose up on her tip toes and pressed a sweet kiss to his jawline before taking her seat next to Phoenix. Mystery guy followed suit and since I could apparently not stop watching the two of them interact, his cold gray eyes found mine in a look of disgust? Or maybe pissed off disbelief?

Please let it be something neutral like just surprise.

Ugh. I shouldn’t care either way.

“Ryder, what is up?” Chase asked next to me, all happy smiles and friendliness.

“Same,” he shot back.

He was pissed. Damn it and it was because of me. Seconds ago Kenna had his face lit up like a freaking Christmas tree. One look at me and all happiness faded from the room.

What is up with him?

“Who’s your friend, Chase?” Ryder nodded in my direction and I gulped back more of those irrational fears.

“Ryder this is Ivy. Ivy Pierce, Ryder Sutton and his lovely girlfriend Kenna Lee,” Chase offered politely. “With the exception of the lovely Kenna, no offense,” he nodded to Kenna and she just shook her head at him, “we are every important part of the soccer team. “Keeper,” he pointed to Phoenix. “Striker,” he pointed to himself. “Midfield,” he finished with Ryder.

“I know Kenna,” I said quickly before things got even more awkward.

“Didn’t you guys meet this morning?” Kenna asked, her pretty slanted eyes narrowing on me cautiously.

“Uh, not formally,” I practically whispered. Ryder hadn’t taken his cool gaze off me and I felt like I was shrinking under the weight of it. But there was no attraction there, no undressing me with his eyes or even less than admirable thoughts floating around in their gunmetal depths.

“I dumped my coffee on her this morning,” Ryder explained with a small sarcastic twist to his lips. “I unfortunately tried to tie-dye her shirt the color of coffee and French Vanilla creamer.”

I sat stunned, frozen by this sudden inside joke we shared. Luckily Kenna interrupted with an inside joke of her own, “Mrs. Tanner’s fave.”

Ryder broke his gaze with me immediately to stare into his loyal girlfriend’s eyes. They shared a secret laugh and the hollowness inside me spread from the hole in my heart to my fingertips.

“How’s your first day back?” Kenna asked politely. I knew she didn’t like me. She couldn’t like me. But she was a nice enough girl to pretend in front of other people.

“Same,” I sighed. I felt like I was folding into myself, becoming my own version of a black hole. Soon I would be completely sucked into the void of darkness that was my soul, pulling in everything and anything around me.