Beast on Writer

Writer has two stupid yappy dogs. Writer thinks she understands them when they “talk” to her. Does that make Writer stupid and yappy? (Chuffs with laughter.) Writer is staring at me. (Turns head and looks bored.)

Writer is stupid. Writer says new year has started today. But new year was more-than-five days ago when longest night was here. I do not understand. (Yawns.) Will hunt for deer later today. Have seen tracks and scat of large, healthy doe. Good way to celebrate Writer’s stupid new year. (Scratches ears with back paw.) Writer explained re-ser-va-shun. It is like when Beast claims tree limb over deer path to water and scratches with claws to show claiming. This says, “It is mine!” If you re-ser-va-shun, please do not eat Writer if she sits on your limb.

Why are you laughing? Beast does not understand.

Beast has page on “Facebook.” Writer will be there to talk with scritches on page and tapping of claws on “keyes.” I will be there too. You can ask me questions and Writer will answer for me. Sometimes writer is good.

Writer has new porch. Beast tried to sit on Writer’s pooch. Writer made squealy noises and said no. (Chuffs hard with laughter.)

Writer says she is an addict. I did not understand, but Writer explained. Beast is addicted to hunting like Writer is addicted to her computer. (Shakes head and grooms paws.) Computer has no blood. I still do not understand.

Writer has been ignoring me. Writing. I brought deer haunch and left on her front porch. If writer keeps ignoring me, I will bring dead skunk. (Opens lips. Shows killing teeth.)

Beast on Beast, and Beast on Life

On clothes and pelt: Fur is soft. Beast is not. (Scratches chin with back paw-claws, thinking.) Beast is good hunter. Protects soft belly with claws and killing teeth. Why do humans not grow pelt? Writer says humans buy clothes instead of growing pelt, but then humans are hunting food and clothes. Seems much work to hunt so many different things.

On summer: Is too hot to hunt. Writer is going to hunt barbecue and swim in stinky pool water with no fish and no plants and no rocks. Stupid writer. (Perks up ears.) But maybe she will bring me raw pig?

On hot summer: Beast does not know why humans hunt in heat. Should stay home, like Beast, body lying in edges of river. (Closes eyes as cold water rushes by.)

On mud: Mud is good for rolling in to keep small biting things from making pelt itch. I like rolling in mud. This makes Writer laugh. Why is writer laughing?

On humans: Writer has yardboy working. I think yardboy needs more exercise than mowing and digging. Beast should chase him around the yard. (Chuffs with laughter.)

On computers: Beast is here. Beast would have been here sooner, but Writer’s mate was fixing computer. Writer is laughing at word “fixing”. I do not understand why that makes her laugh.

Beast and Writer Talk:

Beast: Want to hunt.

Writer: Not today. Tommy has an upset tummy today and his back hurts from running around like he’s nuts when we got home Sunday night, and then sliding across the new wood floor where carpet used to be.

Beast: (Perks ears.) Eat Tommy-dog?

Writer: NO! Leave my dog alone. Go outside, Beast. NOW!

Beast: (Growling.) Will hunt writer.

Writer: (Points to delete key.) Try it, big girl. Go ahead. Make my day. . . .

Beast: Writer is mean. (Lies down and puts head on paws.)

Beast on Writer’s painting of Beast: Beast has seen drawing of Beast in a tree. Beast is beautiful. (Shakes head to chase off flies in brain.) But drawing of Beast does not move or hunt or eat. Smells dead. Beast is confused. But drawing is good. Shows hunter of prey!

Beast on conferences: Writer went to ComicCon to be with fellow Geeks and Writers. Most Writers are slow and would be good to hunt. Are Geeks good to hunt? (Twitches ears. Curious.)

Have been snarling at writer to go to Dragon Con and hunt dragons. But Writer says no. Says car is not big enough for Beast and Writer’s clothes. Writer’s clothes?

(Snarls.) Writer is taking Jane to Dragon Con. Jane is going. Beast is not. Jane is going to hunt dragons! Beast is best hunter! Not Jane. Writer is stupid kit. Who will protect Writer at Con? Who will write Beast stories? Beast is not happy! (Screams with rage. Snarls at Writer.)

Beast will not be at Con. (Narrows eyes. Looks away.) Beast is not purring. Writer says she will talk about me, so I will not eat her. This time. Writer says to res-er-va-tion.

Beast on food: Writer ate I-tal-yan. Twice. Writer brought me nothing. (Rolls away and stares at wall.)

Writer went to river with good-smelling water and many fish and many goose-birds and Writer rode on boat. Writer did not bring me goose-bird. Beast is not happy. (Thinks.) But writer on boat is too slow to catch geese. Writer should have taken Beast to river!

Writer’s yardboy is working in front ground, digging hole for plant. Yardboy is strong and meaty. Might taste better than other humans Beast has bitten. Writer will not let me hunt him. Writer did not take me to river to hunt geese. Beast is snarling. Not Happy!

Beast on human food: Beast has had much cooked human food. Good food came from cold box full of food in Evangelina Everhart’s house. It was good. Liked noodles in cheese sauce. Liked sausage. Liked fish cooked with butter. (Purrrrr.)

Beast on humans as food: Writer went away and left me with Housesitter. Writer threatened to hang my pelt on wall if I ate Housesitter. Housesitter was muscular and strong and young. Would be good hunt! Meat would not be stringy and tough like other humans Beast has bitten. But Writer loves Housesitter. Is son of her mother’s next litter. (Thinks.) Writer said same thing about Beast-pelt if Beast ate her boots. (Thinks carefully.) I did not eat Writer’s housesitter or boots. Housesitter gave Beast raw steak. Was good.

Beast on fans: Writer says that Beast has more-than-five fans! (Scratches ears with back claws, thinking.) What is fan? Can I eat them?

Beast on dogs: Writer’s littermate brought dog to house last night. FAST dog! HUNTING dog! Good nose. Wanted to hunt with ugly dog! Then maybe eat him. Writer said no.

Beast on exercise: Writer had to “run errands”. Tried to tell her it was too hot to run. Writer does not listen. But Writer is good hunter. She ran home with cow meat wrapped in plastic. And she was not hot. I do not understand. But I do like cow meat.

Beast on healthy teeth: Beast likes crunch of bones. Jane likes crunch of tacos. Bones keep Beast’s teeth strong. Tacos rot teeth and make humans fat. Humans should eat bones.

Beast on squirrels: Am sitting on Writer’s porch (not Writer’s pooch) watching squirrels play in trees between rains. Small rats with hairy tails. Beast knows they are hard to catch and are only a small-mouthful-crunch and then gone, but . . . Beast wants to chase! (Shows killing teeth to teasing rats with hairy tails.)

Beast on thongs: Writer came home from Con. Was tired, like after big hunt. Had small bag of “thongs” from “prank.” But there is no deer or cow or bison strapped to her big truck. Writer is not good hunter.

(Later.) Writer explained “thongs.” Writer should grow pelt, not silly thongs. Thongs would get stuck in places and Beast would have to scoot. Writer would not like Beast to scoot on her rug.

Beast on cover art of books: Writer saw first cover idea of BLOOD TRADE. Writer likes it. Cover made Writer dance. But Beast was not on it. Beast was going to eat artist. Then artist sent cover art of BLACK ARTS. Beast is on BLACK ARTS. BLACK ARTS is best cover.

Beast on being thankful: Writer says to list Stuff I’m thankful for, five each day: People, Food, Natural, Memory, and Personal. I can count to five.

MONDAY—

People: Writer.

Food: Turkey feathers stuck in mouth after hunt.

Natural: Moon reflected in water.

Memory: Teeth sinking into throat of human who destroyed forests.

Personal: Big killing teeth. (Chuffs with laughter.)

TUESDAY—

People: Jane Yellowrock. And Yardboy.

Food: Deer. Standing over water. Under tree with tall branch.

Natural: Herds of deer, running in rut.

Memory: Kits, sleeping in curve of Beast-body and legs, smelling of milk.

Personal: Bitsa.

WEDNESDAY—

People: Ricky-Bo. He smells of big-cat and hot, steamy jungle. Bruiser. Want Bruiser.

Food: Want to hunt bison. (Looks at Writer. Flicks ears. Writer says no.)

Natural: Sound of world at dawn. Silent, waiting.

Memory: Sight of Wesa eating kill. Little cat, who changed life of Beast.

Personal: Claws (Cleans claw sheath on tall tree, bark scraping away, leaving Beast-sign. )

THURSDAY—

People: Molly and Angie Baby. Miss them – Molly and Angie Baby. . . .

Food: Rabbit!

Natural: Sound of wild turkey goggling. Easy to hunt stupid noisy bird.

Memory: Wind in nose when Jane rides Bitsa, full of good food smells.

Personal: Visit with angel Hayyel. Was short but was good.

FRIDAY—

People: Big Evan.

Food: Once caught fish jumping through water. Was good.

Natural: Water running fast down river.

Memory: World before white man stole the trees.

Personal: Leo. (Chuffs with laughter.)

Beast on Christmas Songs

Six Geese A-Laying

Jane Yellowrock is listening to Christmas Carols about good food. A feast. Beast wants feast like song Writer talks about! (Licks muzzle. Thinks. Flicks ear tabs, listening to song.) Jane sings along. Jane cannot sing. Sounds like bison stuck in ditch. Or hawk calling for mate. Jane cannot sing, but Beast likes Jane’s song food! (Listens. Thinks.)

Most of song is about more-than-five foods. Beast cannot count that high but knows that more-than-five is many! Beast is hungry. (Thinks about food and hunting and eating fresh kills.)

Beast does not want seven swans a-swimming. Swans are good fighters. Swim fast. Peck hard with beaks. Swans leave mushy stuff on ground that gets in Beast’s paw pads. Tastes bad to clean pads with tongue. (Looks over at writer.) Writer is making gagging sounds. Beast does not know why writer is sick.

Beast wants Six Geese A-Laying! That is more-than-five! Maybe more-than-seven! Geese sitting on nests will not be able to fly fast! (Thinking.) Geese are fat and mean, but when on nests will be slow. Goose meet is good! (Song goes on.)