Sean kisses my neck as he works his magic. My body responds to him instantly. Every touch sends me higher and higher. I tilt my head back and close my eyes as I push my hips to his hand. I want him to push me over the edge. I want to feel the tight coils within me unwind, but Sean keeps me there, right at the cusp.

It goes on like that. Sean teases me, touching me in all the right places until I’m gasping, begging for release. I moan his name and beg him, but Sean only smiles. Just when I think that I can’t stand it for another second, he adds another finger and pushes into me—hard. I gasp and lift my hips to his hand. He thrusts harder and faster, rubbing my clit while he does it. I feel his eyes on my face, watching me. I’m suddenly very aware of the car and that we’ve stopped moving, but I don’t care. My hips buck into his hand, and I cry out. The sensations shoot through my stomach and into my chest. I want his hands on me, in me. I’d do anything to come right now.

Frantically, I grab his shirt and pull Sean to my face. “Please…”

“Please, what? Tell me what you want, baby.” His hand stills. His breath washes across my face. He smells so good and I want him so badly.

“Make me come. Please, Sean.”

He grins. Sean’s touch changes and sends a surge of lust shooting through my veins. I throw my head back and cry out. My hips slam into his hand and he pushes deeper inside of me. He does it over and over again, faster and harder. I wish my jeans weren’t so tight. I wish we were naked and my legs were wrapped around his waist. I’ve never wanted to be fucked so much in my life. I have no idea what he’s doing, but it feels so good.

Sean takes me higher and higher. My body tenses around his fingers, wanting release. Sean’s rocking becomes rhythmic. He pushes faster and faster until I can’t see. White blurs my vision. I try to keep my eyes open, but I can’t. My hand clutches my breast as I scream his name. Sean pushes once more, hard, and holds. When he does that, the pulsing starts. He thrusts again and again as I come. I’m breathing so hard. My body stays rigid as ecstasy consumes me.

Sean keeps his hand between my legs until I open my eyes. Then he pulls out slowly and lifts my hand to his lips. He sucks on each finger, one at a time. “You are absolutely delicious.”

I watch him through lowered lashes. Sean leans in and presses the pad of his finger to my lips. His hand has my scent. It hits me hard and makes me shy away, but Sean won’t let me. “Open.”

I do as he says and he puts a finger in my mouth—one he didn’t lick clean. I close my eyes and suck. Sean leans in to me and takes his hand away. “Did you like that?” I nod slowly. I feel like I’m floating. I blink a few times and look out the window. We’re at the park. Sean asks, “Are you ready?”

I nod slowly. Before Sean moves to open the door, I stop him. “Wait.” I pull his lips down to mine and kiss him slowly and softly, until I’m so sated that I can’t stop smiling.

CHAPTER 8

The snow is mixed with ice. It crackles under our feet. Gabe pulls the sled out of the trunk and mentions something about how easy a body would fit back there when he hands it to Sean. Gabe scares me when he sounds like that, because he isn’t joking. The old guy nods at me as if he’s doing me a service and then slips back into the car where it’s warm.

I’m standing in front of Sean with my jacket open. The parking lot is a sheet of ice. It hasn’t been plowed yet. I’m grinning like a lunatic, ready to run across the parking lot and up the hill. There’s a reason the locals call it Cardiac Hill—it’ll give you a heart attack if you try to take it too fast. The thing is dauntingly steep, buy you can’t really tell until you’re on it. Runners go through these woods in the summer and come out into this clearing between the trees and the hill. It’s a beautiful spot. I’m wondering how hard it’s going to be to keep the sled from cracking into one of the towering pines.

Sean watches me for a moment, before taking the bottom of my coat in his hands and zipping it up to my neck. “You seriously need to get over that cold thing.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “You seriously need to get over that domination thing.”

“It’s not domination.” He looks offended.

“Oh? Then what it is?”

“Control, that’s all. Totally different.” Sean glances at the snow covered hill.

“Yeah, in crazyland,” I mutter and start walking, tugging the sleds behind me. Gabe couldn’t shove a toboggan in the trunk, so we have a couple of plastic disc sleds. Gabe bought them on the way to pick us up, per Black’s instructions. I wonder what Gabe’s deal is, if he’s here to protect me or what. I kind of think that he’ll beat the shit out of me if Black tells him to. That part worries me. If I decide to stay with Sean, I have to repay her all the money I earned. That hardly seems fair, but then again, this isn’t a job that I can quit. I brush the worry aside when I see Sean’s face. His eyes are too big and his jaw is hanging open. “What?”

“Don’t what me—I’m not into that kinky shit. I just like things a certain way.”

It’s almost laughable. Sean has no idea how far into kinky he’s strayed. He left kinky behind a few states ago. “Ah, I see.”

Sean walks up the hill with me as we talk. I try to carry the sleds, but Sean takes them from me. “You see what?”

“Denial with flashing neon signs. You really can’t tell?”

Sean shakes his head and then looks at me, like he can’t believe I’d say something like that. “I never thought of it that way. I mean, I don’t do the whole dom/ sub thing. You really think that’s what I’m doing?” I nod. He’s quiet. I see the thoughts processing inside his head. His eyes are vacant and he’s touching his face. His lips move silently, trying to reason it out. Finally, he shakes his head and says, “Holy shit, that’s fucked up.”

He believes me now. I take Sean’s hand and start ticking things off. “You want control, complete trust, domination, submission—” Sean jerks his hand away. He looks annoyed. “I’m sorry, Sean. I thought you knew. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You like what you like, even if it is a little twisted.”

Sean grumbles. I bump into his shoulder, but he doesn’t smile. “I used to be…” he sighs, and pushes his hair out of his face. White bits of snow are clinging to his dark locks. Stubble lines his cheeks like always. “Different. Careful, you know. Now it’s almost like I have to be a fucking predator to feel that way.”

“What way?” When reach the top of the hill, we’re both gasping for air.

Sean turns and looks at me. “I don’t know, like I’m still alive. I’m numb all the time, Avery. Before I met you, I barely felt anything anymore. Having sex like that brings me back, but it doesn’t last very long. Then, I need more. It’s like a drug. The more I have, the more I want.” He stares into space, lost in thought.

“Do you have something planned for later?” He nods. His icy eyes hold mine for a moment. “Is it like last night?”

“No, it’s more intense. I didn’t hold back last night, but I don’t usually have sex with the same woman twice. It changes things. I need that raw emotion, but…”

“But what?” The sleds are on the ground. Sean put them down when we reached the top of the hill. There’s a pink disc for me and a blue one for him.

I don’t know what Sean means, or what he wants to do to me later. I’m not sure if I can tolerate more. Last night was a different kind of hell for me. I can’t imagine enjoying that. Nerves flutter through me just thinking about it. More intense. Damn.

Sean beaks the silence. “I wish you liked it. I know you don’t, so it makes me rethink things.”

Smiling, I shake my head and exhale slowly. My breath makes a white cloud in the crisp air. “We’re a pair of idiots. You know that, right? I mean, I want you to freely give yourself to me, and you practically want to rape me and whatever brains I have left.”

Sean steps toward me. “You think that I’d rape you?” I just stare at him. I haven’t the words or the heart to answer that question. Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing? That his fantasy is playing on a primal fear of being overpowered and sexually abused. It lurks at the back of mind all the time. I blink hard and look away. “Avery—”

“Sean, you need to look in the mirror and see the man you’ve become. I don’t know who you were before, but the guy standing next to me is broken and dark. He comes to life when I’m terrified. He thrives at those times.”

“I need it, Avery.”

“You need something that I can’t give you forever. If you don’t bear your soul to someone, soon, this will get worse. You’ll lose whatever piece of you that’s left. You’re hiding something dark, Sean, and it’s eating you alive. I see it in your eyes. It weighs on your shoulders and crushes you until you can barely stand.” I touch Sean’s hand. It’s so cold. He swallows hard and pulls out his gloves. “Don’t you want to feel alive again? Don’t you want to feel love and be loved?”

“I honestly don’t know if I can. Things are so far gone. I’m…” he shakes his head and stops talking. I feel so bad that I tanked his mood like this. At least he’s talking. I get the idea that Sean has a lot he needs to talk about, but no one he trusts enough to do it. He’s stuck, reliving the same nightmare day after day.

I steer the day back to where it needs to go. Sean needs this too, he just doesn’t know it yet. “You’re going sledding, now. You’re going to laugh, and scream like a girl. I’m going to make sure of that.”

Sean gives me a weak smile. He doesn’t believe me. Sean takes the disc and sits down. Before I climb on mine, I give his shoulders a hard push. Sean disappears over the side of the hill. I watch him try to control the disc as it curves down the incline. He laughs loudly as he grabs at the snow with his gloves trying to stop.