I understand. I wanted to be where he is and feel nothing anymore, but this—the fact that hookers can do things that bring Sean back—means something. Sean doesn’t want to stay in the depths of that torment anymore, but like me, he can’t find the way out. Too much time has passed. Too many scars are still raw and refuse to heal. It brings out the desperation, the maddening need to cling to life even when there’s nothing to hold on to anymore.

There’s a darker version of Sean that I’ve never seen. If I allow things to continue, if I stay here with him, I’ll stand face to face and see the horror replay before his eyes, like he’s lost in a nightmare that never ends. I want to free him from that so badly, but no one can save Sean, not when he’s like this. Not even me.

Sean’s kisses become more demanding. He pushes me back against the bar and lifts me onto the counter. His hands are forceful when they slide over my thighs, pushing my dress up to my hips. He steps between my legs and dips his head to my lips again. I tangle my fingers in his hair. Heat spreads across my skin, trailing in a wake behind Sean’s hands as they move over my body. He palms the curve of my ass, holding me tightly in his hand as his kisses grow hotter and hotter. His tongue is over my lips and in my mouth as his lips crush into mine.

Ragged breaths escape from him like he can’t slow down, even if he wanted to. I reach for Sean’s shirt and unbutton the top enough to slide my hands inside. When I move to touch his shoulders and dip my hands down his chest, Sean jerks back. He grabs my wrists and slams them into the wall. I gasp, half turned on, half frightened.

Sapphire eyes, dark as night, bore into me. Sean doesn’t blink. It’s like he forgot himself for a moment. The tension in his jaw fades after a second, and he leans in and presses his lips to my throat while pinning me to the wall. I let him. I let him hold me there even though every ounce of my being wants to fight to break free. I hate feeling trapped and the way he holds me and presses against my neck makes me feel like I can’t move.

Normally, I would fight back, but I don’t. I tilt my head back and close my eyes, allowing the fear and lust to course through me in unrelenting waves. I suck in a jagged breath and Sean pushes against me harder. I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose, if this is part of what he wanted. I want Sean, all of him, on any terms that I can get him.

The hot kisses stop and I notice how incredibly intoxicated I feel. My eyes flicker open and I look at Sean. He’s still leaning into me, still holding my wrists to the wall. His voice is raspy, all air and heat. “When it’s your turn, you won’t hold back?”

CHAPTER 2

His question surprises me. I can hear the strain in Sean’s voice, like the idea of being with me on my terms scares the hell out of him. I nod, looking into his eyes. “I’m taking what I want from you. I expect you to do the same. No holding back.”

Sean is frozen. For a moment he doesn’t move. I wonder what he wants to do, how far he wants things to go. Anxiety flashes across his face and is gone. Sean nods once and releases my hands. They fall to my sides, aching. The place he held me burns and my underarms ache.

Sean scoops me off the counter and carries me to the bed. Fear starts trickling through me. At first it’s small and manageable. I swallow it back down and it turns into nervous excitement.

Sean places me on the bed. I’m on my back, looking up at his beautiful face. I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do this, but I want to. There’s a wall between us and I want it to come crashing down. No, it’s more than that. I want to be everything Sean needs.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Sean asks. My throat is so tight that I can barely swallow. I nod. Sean looks away and runs his hands through his hair. He sighs, like he hoped I’d say no. Sean stands there, staring at me, lost in thought.

I push up on my elbows. “Do you need this?” His eyes are locked with mine. Sean nods. The expression on his face is timid and so unlike him, but there’s something in the depths of his eyes that says he needs this like he needs air. Without it, he’ll lose what’s left of himself.

I watch Sean for a moment. I want to be the one he needs, the one he trusts with everything. I could back away and he’d let me. I could let him continue doing these acts with nameless faces, but I can’t do that to him. He needs me and I need him just as much. My decision solidifies. “Then, I want to be the one to give it to you. Will it work, since you know me?” I wondered about that part. It tripped Sean up when he first ordered me. He said it wouldn’t be the same.

“I think I figured something out. But, there’s no way out, Avery. Once we start—”

I cut him off. “I’m not leaving.”

Sean breaks my gaze and nods. His throat is tight. He swallows hard. “Roll over.” I do as he says. Sean grabs my ankles and pulls me back over the edge of the bed so my legs are on the floor. He spreads my ankles and ties each one to the bedpost. I try not to think about it, but panic is building inside of me. The other strap is worse. Sean leans hard on my back, knocking the air out of my lungs as he ties my wrists. Within seconds I’m bound to the bed, facedown, and can’t move. My heart beats faster. I can’t control it, but I try. I take a slow breath in and let it out.

Sean sets a video camera on the dresser. It turns on and the red light blinks, telling me it’s recording. I don’t like it. That freaks me out as much as being tied down. “What are you doing?”

“You’re going to watch it later.”

I laugh, like that’s most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. “No, I’m not.”

“You will. You’ll beg me to see it.” Sean’s gaze is so dark, so intense. Fear is crushing into me.

My voice quivers. “No, I won’t.”

He smiles and sits next to my head. “Last chance, Smitty.”

“I’m not leaving, Jones.”

Sean touches my cheek gently. “All right. I’ll see you when this is over.” He pulls a blindfold from his pocket. My heart explodes in my chest when he ties it over my eyes and the world goes black. It makes the claustrophobia worse. Sean knew it would. I hear his voice, but it sounds far away. My pulse pounds harder. Sean is gentle this time. I wonder how long it’ll stay this way. His voice is closer when it finally registers. “Open your mouth.”

I do as he asks, not sure what to expect. Nerves flutter through my stomach, making me queasy. My mind is screaming at me, telling me that I’m going to die. I try to ignore my bonds, but it feels like they’re searing into my skin. There’s no way to forget that I’m tied down, even if I attempt to ignore it. I breathe through my mouth when I feel the gag slip between my lips. He tugs it hard and the smooth fabric gets forced to the back of my mouth. Sean ties it tightly. The amount of fabric in my mouth makes it feel like there’s no air, like I can’t breathe.

Panic surges through me, stronger this time. Mentally, I know I can breathe, but I feel like I can’t. My wrists twitch, making the straps pull tighter. I can’t slow my heartbeat. I can’t picture a meadow and mentally escape to somewhere else. Sean took every fear I have and rolled them together. I can’t calm down. Anxiety races through me in an avalanche. I try to thrash and pull away, but the only thing I can move is my head.

Sean’s voice comes from behind me. He says something that I can’t make out when I feel my skirt lift. His hands cup my ass and he feels my smooth skin before pressing his hips against my butt. “Calm down or you’ll hyperventilate. You can breathe, Avery. Slow down. Focus on my touch, on my hands.”

Fear is strangling me. I try to stop, I try to do what Sean says. The roaring in my ears makes it so much worse. I hate being confined. You’re trapped. You’re trapped. You’re trapped. The words have been on repeat since he tied me down. I didn’t even realize what I was thinking until I tried to focus on his touch. The words ring hollowly in my mind as I try to focus on Sean’s hands. One is on each side of my thigh, sliding slowly up the outside of my leg. He must be kneeling next to me because I can feel his breath on my legs. Sean rubs his hands up and down, one finger at a time. I gain control of my breathing again. The panic recedes. The only thing I can feel is the cold fear that’s frozen in my stomach and Sean’s hot touch on my bottom.

Something cold touches my hip and I wince. Sean drags its point over my hip, gently scraping my skin. It’s sharp, but he doesn’t cut me. The threat is there, the fact that I’m at his mercy isn’t lost on me. I don’t trust anyone, but somehow I volunteered to be tied to Sean’s bed and let him do this to me.

He loves me. The metal bites into my skin slightly and is gone.

“Breathe,” Sean commands. His hand is on my back, waiting for me to do it. Slowly, I inhale and let the air fill my lungs. I let it out slowly and do it again. “Good girl.”

Sean’s hand is gone. I try to focus on breathing and forget about everything else, but it’s hard. I want to rip my arms out of the restraints. Nervous energy lines my arms and legs. It’s pouring into my stomach like a tidal wave. I forget what will happen and pull my arms. The tug tightens all four restraints. I whimper into the gag and blink frantically behind the blindfold.

For a moment, I freak-out thinking that Sean left me tied to the bed alone, but then I feel his hand on my hip. He slides his palm over my bare skin and loops his thumbs around my panty. I hear a metallic snip, then another, and the little scrap of fabric is gone. I’m so tense that I don’t know what I want. I should have asked how long this would take. I thought I could do it, but now I don’t know. My pulse pounds harder, faster. I can barely breathe. My tongue is shoving the gag, trying to make more room in my mouth.

Warm palms slowly inch up the V of my legs. At first I can barely feel Sean’s touch, but as he gets closer to the top of my thighs, I squirm. My hips jerk to the side, but I don’t fall. I’m still in my heels, with my dress fanned around me, pulled up, exposing me.