When Sean looks up at me, I can’t hide the pity in my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand what happened.”

“Then tell me.”

He laughs. It sounds so bitter and broken. I know he feels hollowed out inside. I feel the same way. His words are sharp. “If baring my soul was cathartic, I would have done it already.”

I fold my hands in my lap. “Then maybe you’re doing it wrong.”

Sean gives me a look. “Reliving the past doesn’t change the present.”

“It made you who you are. And it would sure as hell help me figure out what the hell is going on inside your head.”

He smirks. “You really don’t want to go in there.”

“How could you throw yourself in front of a truck for me, and then leave? I know you said Marty tossed you out, but Sean…” As I speak, he steps closer and closer to my chair. The look in his eyes changes from defensive to something that makes my skin tingle. My stomach tightens. Sean stops in front of me. He looks down at my hands. He takes one and threads our fingers together before lowering himself to his knees.

Sean looks at our fingers. “You don’t want to know everything. Trust me.”

“How can I, when you act like this? I don’t know why—” He rubs the back of my hand with his thumbs. His eyes are locked with mine. I want to throw myself into his arms so badly.

“This is who I am. I’m not a good catch, Avery. I’m fucked up. You know that. You know me well enough to see it. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. No amount of talking will fix anything I’ve done. No amount of explaining will justify my choices. There’s no reason for you to be here. There’s nothing left that’s worth saving.” Sean buries his face in my lap and holds onto me like he’s drowning and I’m the only one who can save him.

Bleary-eyed, I stare straight ahead with my mouth hanging open. Words won’t come. I run my fingers through his hair, gently. I rub my hands over his shoulders and neck, wishing that I could ease some of his pain. We sit like that. It feels like half the night passes before he looks up at me.

When he finally does, Sean stands and takes my hand. He pulls me to my feet and over to the bed. We crawl under the covers and hold each other until sleep finally comes.

CHAPTER 5

I wake up the next morning with a bitching headache. I stretch and instantly regret it. I blink a few times and remember where I am. There’s an arm across my middle. I smile and look over at Sean. He’s awake, watching me.

“I’m not letting you go,” he says. There are bruises on his face, but most are under the stubble.

I smile. “Then give me a reason to stay.” I roll onto my side and Sean pulls us together. My heart pounds harder. I can feel every curve of his ripped body against me.

Sean lowers his head and presses his lips to my neck. I shiver and hold my breath. “I shouldn’t.” He kisses my neck again. His lips slip over my skin, and his tongue evokes a slew of sensations that shoot through my body.

“Sean,” I moan his name and push him away. “We can’t…”

But Sean doesn’t stay away. Instead, he comes on stronger with delicious, delicate touches that make me close my eyes and beg for more. Then, he abruptly stops. “Alright, we can stop.” He’s grinning at me. Sean’s made me all hot and bothered and then stopped.

I shove him and laugh, “You suck.”

“I tried, but you said no.” He gives me a crooked grin and sits up. He still has that rumpled shirt on with the front hanging open. Sean kicks the covers off and stands.

“How’s your leg?”

“Better. Everything is better today.” Sean turns back to the bed and says, “Pretend with me for a while?” He holds out his hand for me, but I don’t take it.

“What do you mean?”

“We can’t have a relationship because of your job and because of—well, me and my preferences—but we can pretend for a moment, for a shower, that we’re normal people. I can help you get dressed. Help you scrub off in the shower, you know, normal things that normal people do.” Sean looks hopeful. His voice is so soft and sweet.

“You want me to take a shower with you?” He nods. “Because it’s not a violation of Black’s contract and because it’s not that weird kind of sex you like?”

He pulls me to his feet. “Because we’re both dirty and need to get dressed. Stop overthinking it. If the idea of rubbing soap over my stomach appeals to you, then follow me. If you’d rather get dressed by yourself, then wait your turn. I won’t be long.” He drops my hand and walks across the room and disappears into the bathroom.

My gaze follows after him. I want to go. My fingertips are actually tingling, thinking about touching him, but it’s such a stupid idea. I shouldn’t. Irritation shoots through me.

I storm across the room and barge in, saying, “You can’t say things like that and then—” The words die in my mouth. Sean is half naked and peeling off his pants. My eyes run over his body, over the bruises and cuts that are there because of me. “You don’t play fair,” I choke out.

Sean grins. “Neither do you.” He walks over to me and slips his hands around my waist. He tugs my hips so they line up against his naked body. “Are you going to join me or watch?”

My face flames red. Watch? I can’t watch! What kind of person watches. Holy crap. I mill it over and realize that I’d like to watch him—no, love to watch him and his naked body in the shower. The thought jars me. I try to pull away, but he holds me tighter.

Sean grins, realizing what he did. “Ah, so you have a little bit of a voyeur thing going on?”

“No,” I gasp, way too flushed. “I do not.”

Sean looks down at my chest and then back at my face. “Mmm. Too bad. I think that’s beyond sexy.” My eyes dart anywhere and everywhere, trying to avoid his gaze. “You look a little bit guilty for someone who’s telling the truth.” The only thing he’s wearing is a sexy smirk. I can see it out of the corner of my eye as he teases me.

My heart is pounding so fast inside my chest that it’s going to explode. I glance at his shoulder, to avoid his eyes. “Guilt? This isn’t guilt.”

Sean tilts my chin up and our eyes meet. The floor of my stomach drops and I’m in a free fall. “Then what is it?”

I don’t answer. I can’t answer. I have no idea what types of sexual things I like or what I’d do. Up until now, I’ve done what Sean wanted. If I liked it, bonus, but I’ve never noticed something like this. I feel exposed and want to shy away, but Sean won’t let me. We stare at each other for too long, letting the silence build. His eyes drift to my lips, but he doesn’t move or release me.

I feel like I’m breathing too much. I feel like I’m drowning, but I don’t want to come up for air. Sean inches closer to my lips. He hesitates there for a moment, before leaning in and taking my bottom lip between his teeth. He nips me and then drops his hands to my hips. I suck in a startled breath and allow him to move me backwards.

Sean sits me down on a little bench in front of a mirror. He looks me in the eye before he does it. Neither of us speaks. Sean’s finger finds the button on my jeans. He undoes the zipper and tugs them down and pulls them off. I’m sitting in front of him in a tee shirt and panties.

Sean steps away and walks to the shower. It’s directly across from me. He turns it on. Before stepping inside, he says, “Fingers between your legs, Miss Smith. Do what comes naturally. I’ll leave the door open so you can see whatever entices you.”

It feels like someone threw a bucket of ice water on me. I dart upright in the seat, “Sean, I can’t—”

But he doesn’t listen. “Yes, you can. And I think you’ll like it, and I sure as hell know that I will.” Then, Sean winks at me and steps into the shower.

What the hell does that mean? He really wants to watch me give myself a good time while watching his naked body in the shower? I shouldn’t have thought about him and his slick skin. As soon as I do, I glance up at him and see Sean under the shower with water dripping off those toned muscles. I suck my lower lip into my mouth. I’m breathing too hard, but I can’t look away. I don’t want to look away.

Sean acts like I’m not there. He rubs his hands over his body, moving soap suds around before rinsing them away. After a moment, I realize that I’m no longer thinking. I’m watching. If there was a picture of a person under voyeur in Wikipedia, it’d be me, right now, with my jaw hanging open.

Holy hell, he’s so hot. The place between my thighs is tingling uncomfortably. I think about putting my hand there, but I can’t. Something holds me back.

Sean stretches and lets the water roll down his back. His arms are over his head with his hands behind his back. My eyes wander over every muscle, every perfect rise and fall of flesh. I think about feeling his skin, about running my tongue over his perfect stomach. I settle on the bench seat, leaning back against the wall, and glance at my hand. He wanted me to.

I glance back up at Sean, but he doesn’t look over at me. I’m breathing so hard. It’s like Sean teased the hell out of me, but he hasn’t even touched me. My fingers twitch on my lap as the V at the top of my thighs demands attention. I’m caught in the middle. I want to, but I don’t. My eyes remain fixed on Sean’s body and more dirty thoughts race through my mind – of touching, licking, and tasting.

Any rationality I had left vacates my mind. I’m not thinking anymore. My body is all tingles and urges. I want to cross the room, walk into the shower, and throw Sean against the wall. I want to press my bare breasts into him and feel my hard nipples slide down his chest.

I stare at the curve of Sean’s ass, unblinking. It’s so perfect. I think about having Sean on top of me, pushing in and out, while I hold onto that perfect ass and dig my nails into his skin. It pulls vivid memories forward from the times we’ve been together, of the way Sean felt so hard and sharp every time he thrust into me.