I stand, staring at the blackness that fills my view.

The emptiness drains the parts of me that were once so full. It takes over the hope I once had, making it black and ugly. They wheel him out as I crumple to the floor. Angie rushes over to me, enveloping me in her arms, and holds on.

“I’m so sorry, Pres.”

“I’m sorry, too.” I release her and know what I have to do now. “I have to go get the boys.”

“Oh, God,” she gasps, covering her mouth. “What do they know?”

“They know something’s wrong and it’s about their father. I have to go get them. They’re probably terrified.”

I manage to pull myself up as the last police officer lingers by the back door. He walks over as I squeeze my arms around my stomach. “Here’s my card, Mrs. Benson. If you need anything, please give me a call.”

I nod and close my eyes. I need for this to not be real, but he can’t do that. “Thanks.”

Angie’s hand rests on my back. “Do you want me to stay?”

“Please,” I say and she heads to the couch. I hear her moan break free as I walk the officer out.

“I can stay here if it’ll help,” he offers.

“I appreciate it. I don’t think anything is going to help.” I grip the card in my hand as a lifeline. “How do I tell them?” I ask this man who is a stranger. I need someone to tell me what to do.

“I wish I could tell you, Mrs. Benson. I don’t know that there is a right way.” He looses a sigh. “I’ve made too many notifications, and it’s never easy. Just be honest, and be there for them.”

“Thank you, Officer . . . ?” I realize I don’t know his name. This man comforted me for the last hour, and I don’t even know his name.

“Walker. Michael Walker.”

“Thank you for your help, Officer Walker. I don’t know how I’m going to do this alone. I’ve never been alone.” As the word leaves my lips, it hits me. Alone. Yeah, I have the boys, but my husband is gone.

“We’ll tell them together,” Angie says from behind me.

The officer nods, gets in his car, and we head over to do the last thing in the world I want to do—tell the boys. I look at Angie, whose face is covered in black streaks. She loved her brother so much. He had so much love and support around him. So many people to talk to, and he chose this? I can’t get my head around this.

I wipe my face and then knock. Mrs. Malgieri opens the door. Her hands fly to her mouth as my eyes close again. “Oh, Presley.” She pulls me into her arms. “Please tell me he’s okay. We saw the lights and the boys said something was wrong.”

I remove myself from her embrace. If it’s hard to tell her, it’s going to be pure agony with the boys. My face falls as my eyes close. “Are the boys here? I-I . . .”

“I’m so very sorry, honey.”

This is going to be the first in a long line of apologies. “Thank you. I need to talk to them.”

“They’re watching television, but they’re very quiet and scared.” Her eyes fill with sorrow.

I hold my breath, trying to stay strong. “Thank you for keeping them.”

Logan must hear my voice, because next thing I know, he’s barreling toward me crying. “Mom, I saw the lights. Where’s Dad?”

I crouch down, grip his hand in mine, and see Cayden standing behind him, unmoving. “Cay, come here.” I extend my other hand.

He shakes his head as I battle all emotions I’m feeling. I have to be strong for them. “Cayden,” Angie says from behind me, unable to stop her steady stream of tears. “Come here, buddy.”

He heads into his aunt’s arms. They’ve always had a special bond, and I’m grateful she’s here for him. I look at both of them and decide right then that I can’t tell them everything. I don’t want to lie to them, but I have to protect their hearts. If they know this was his choice, I don’t know that they’ll ever recover. How could he not think they were worth living for? I won’t let them feel that.

“Boys.” I struggle to speak. “Your Daddy . . . his heart . . . it . . . it stopped . . . the paramedics, they tried so hard but they couldn’t . . .” I inhale slowly and deeply, trying to compose myself before I completely shatter their world. “I’m so sorry, babies. I’m so sorry, but Daddy went to Heaven.”

Logan’s arms drape around my neck as he sobs. I rub his back, trying to soothe him. I can no longer hold inside the agony I feel. I sob. We hold each other and he soaks my shirt. I look over at Cayden, who’s being comforted by Angie. He cries and shakes his head back and forth.

Logan pushes back, balling his fists. “He was upstairs! He has to be okay, Mom!” He shakes his head. “He . . . he’s . . . he’s strong, and the doctors need to try harder!”

“They tried, buddy.” I attempt to pull him into my arms, but he moves so I can’t grab him. “Th-they tried . . . so many times.” I fall apart as I watch my son grapple with the truth.

“Try again!” Logan screams as he rushes out the door and across the yard. “He needs help!”

Cayden doesn’t say anything. Angie tilts her head, letting me know it’s okay for me to go after Logan.

“Dad!” Logan calls out as he reaches the front door. “Dad!” he screams as tears fall down his face. “Daddy! No . . . no, Daddy!” He heads toward the stairs, but I grab him before he can get that far.

My heart breaks into a million pieces. I pull him into my arms as he fights to get out. I don’t let go, and he doesn’t stop attempting to get where his father last was. He cries and calls out for Todd, struggling with his grief. With each scream, I cry harder. After a few minutes, his screams stop, he turns into my chest, and his body goes limp. I hold him tight and murmur words that are useless in this moment.

“H-he can’t be gone, Mom. He . . . he was supposed to help me with my project. He promised. He wouldn’t break a promise.”

I kiss the top of his head, rocking to soothe both of us. “I know, baby. I’m sorry.” I sit on the hardwood floor, staring at the ceiling and wishing he would come back. If this could all be a joke, then I could put my boys back together. I could fix this. Hearing their cries is killing me.

“Make him come back. Please, please, just make him come back.” His voice cracks as he begs.

If only I could. God, if only.

Cayden and Angie make their way to the front door. They both wrap their arms around Logan and me on the floor. We hold each other in the hallway, each trying to find some comfort. Time passes, darkness falls, but we stay huddled and take turns crying.

Eventually, we move to the living room. I call my parents, telling them to come here right away. Angie calls her parents and brother in Florida. I can hear my mother-in-law’s screams through the phone.

Getting through the next few days is going to take a miracle. Everyone is on their way while we try to get from one minute to the next.

Cayden and Logan won’t leave my side. We’re curled up on the couch, each on one side of me. They barely speak. The television is on, but no one is watching. Each of us drowning in our grief.

Angie makes some soup, but I can’t eat.