Barlow Bitches from Hell

“Shee-it, Kumar, you had the left bower? Why didn’t you take the second trick with that motherfucker?” Tex boomed across my dining room table at poor Mr. Kumar who was not getting the hang of euchre.

Uncle Vito, who was sitting across from me, chuckled and winked. We had won five games in a row as partners.

“I don’t understand this bower business,” Mr. Kumar complained. “How can a jack be higher than an ace? How can only one card of a different suit be the same as another suit? Then jacks are just jacks when they are another color? Then it all changes on the next deal of the cards. This game is too confusing.”

Shirleen walked into the dining room from my kitchen carrying a fresh iced tea. “Of course it’s confusing. First off, you’re only playing with half a deck. Any card game that you play with half a deck has to be half-assed.”

Uncle Vito and Tex cut their eyes to Shirleen.

Uh-oh.

“Euchre is the only card game worth a shit. It ain’t half-assed,” Tex said.

“Give me poker any time,” Shirleen retorted.

“I know poker,” Mr. Kumar put in hopefully.

“Poker is a common game,” Uncle Vito threw down.

Shirleen’s eyes narrowed.

Hell and damnation.

“I’m going to bed,” I announced, getting up from the table.

“You can’t go to bed, it’s best out of eleven,” Tex protested.

I stared at Tex. “In the beginning, it was best out of three then it was five then it was seven then nine, now eleven?”

“We have to win one,” Tex told me.

I looked at the ceiling.

“Girl, get outta my way. I’m gonna kick the shit outta this euchre business. Kumar, you be Vito’s partner. Tex and I are gonna whup some euchre ass,” Shirleen shoved me out of the way and pulled Mr. Kumar out of his chair.

I took my opportunity and headed toward the stairs. “Don’t be too loud. I can’t sleep with noise,” I said over my shoulder.

“Only sound you’ll be hearin’ is Vito goin’ down,” Shirleen informed my back.

I just stopped myself from laughing before I walked up the stairs.

No way Uncle Vito was going down in euchre. Tex might be from Indiana, in his words “the spiritual home of euchre”, but nobody beat Uncle Vito.

Nobody.

Even if he was saddled with Mr. Kumar as his partner.

I got ready for bed.

Well, today wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be, Bad Ava groused.

Are we giving up? Good Ava asked hopefully.

“No,” I told the mirror as I slathered on moisturizer.

Oh poo, Good Ava snapped.

Yippee! Bad Ava yelled.

Needless to say, the Rock Chicks operation was a bust.

Lee had gotten to Brody first, therefore when the Rock Chicks interrogated him, Brody hadn’t talked under threat of certain torture from Lee (read: losing his “bodacious” job).

So we started by going to Noah’s old apartment but he was long gone. We spread out, “canvassing the neighborhood” (as Indy called it), knocked on some doors but only one person was home and they didn’t know anything.

Jules at the Command Central made some calls and found out who the landlord of the property was. She called him and asked about Noah but there was no forwarding address.

We trekked back to my place, I dug out my address book and called all of Noah’s friends (there were two), but neither of them had the same phone numbers.

Then we swung by several of the places Noah used to hang out but no one had seen him in months and no one knew where he was now.

Out of options, Indy, Roxie, Jet and Jules promised to “pump” their men for information and I went home with Tex as bodyguard and Shirleen for company. Uncle Vito came over to see how I was doing and not long after he arrived Mr. Kumar showed up for the same reason.

Euchre ensued. The rest was history.

I put on a kelly green camisole and a pair of chocolate brown, drawstring pajama shorts with big green polka dots and got under my covers.

Then I picked up the phone and called Luke.

“Yeah?” he answered.

“Hey,” I said.

“I hear the Rock Chicks called off the Bad Guy search for the night.”

“We’re not giving up,” I told him.

“Run out of leads?”

We had. Or, more to the point, we never had any leads and we just ran out of ideas.

Still, he didn’t have to sound so happy about it.

“We’ll get more leads tomorrow.”

I heard his soft laugh.

Jerk.

“Since you aren’t here, I’m taking it you haven’t found him yet either,” I said.

“I’ll get him.”

The way he said that gave me a shiver up my spine.

New subject.

“Are you hunting all night or are you coming to my place?”

“I’ll be there.”

“When?”

“Soon.”

“When’s soon?”

“Soon is soon.”

“Luke.”

“Babe.”

Silence.

Stalemate.

I broke the silence. “All righty then, just wake me up when you get home.”

“Why?”

“I want to know you’re safe.”

“You want me to f**k you.”

For goodness sake.

So he was right. He didn’t have to point it out.

“Who’s full of himself tonight?” I asked.

“Someone’s gonna be full of me tonight,” he used The Voice and its edge was smooth as velvet.

That got a belly melt.

“I’m tired,” I told him, ignoring the belly melt and The Voice. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Sweet dreams.”

I could hear the smile in his voice before I heard the disconnect.

Then I heard Tex boom, “Shee-it, Shirleen.”

I turned off the light and settled under the covers with a smile on my face.

Funnily enough, I didn’t feel scared at all of my house.

* * * * *

I felt my body roll and it wasn’t me rolling it.

Then I felt hands roaming.

“Hey,” I said sleepily as Luke’s ‘tache hit my neck, his lips coming with it.

“Babe, you want me to f**k you when I get home, it’s a good idea not to go to bed with so many clothes on,” Luke told my neck.

“It’s just a camisole and shorts.”

His hands went into the camisole, up, and then it was gone.

“It’s just shorts,” I corrected.