Charlie and the Chocolate Factory c-1 Read online

  Great Scott! It simply wouldn't do!

  However long this pig might live,

  We're positive he'd never give

  Even the smallest bit of fun

  Or happiness to anyone.

  So what we do in cases such

  As this, we use the gentle touch,

  And carefully we take the brat

  And turn him into something that

  Will give great pleasure to us all —

  A doll, for instance, or a ball,

  Or marbles or a rocking horse.

  But this revolting boy, of course,

  Was so unutterably vile,

  So greedy, foul, and infantile,

  He left a most disgusting taste

  Inside our mouths, and so in haste

  We chose a thing that, come what may,

  Would take the nasty taste away.

  "Come on!" we cried. "The time is ripe

  To send him shooting up the pipe!

  He has to go! It has to be!"

  And very soon, he's going to see

  Inside the room to which he's gone

  Some funny things are going on.

  But don't, dear children, be alarmed;

  Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,

  Although, of course, we must admit

  He will be altered quite a bit.

  He'll be quite changed from what he's been,

  When he goes through the fudge machine:

  Slowly, the wheels go round and round,

  The cogs begin to grind and pound;

  A hundred knives go slice, slice, slice;

  We add some sugar, cream, and spice;

  We boil him for a minute more,

  Until we're absolutely sure

  That all the greed and all the gall

  Is boiled away for once and all.

  Then out he comes! And now! By grace!

  A miracle has taken place!

  This boy, who only just before

  Was loathed by men from shore to shore,

  This greedy brute, this louse's ear,

  Is loved by people everywhere!

  For who could hate or bear a grudge

  Against a luscious bit of fudge?'

  'I told you they loved singing!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Aren't they delightful? Aren't they charming? But you mustn't believe a word they said. It's all nonsense, every bit of it!'

  'Are the Oompa-Loompas really joking, Grandpa?' asked Charlie.

  'Of course they're joking,' answered Grandpa Joe. 'They must be joking. At least, I hope they're joking. Don't you?'

  18

  Down the Chocolate River

  'Off we go!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Hurry up, everybody! Follow me to the next room! And

  please don't worry about Augustus Gloop. He's bound to come out in the wash. They

  always do. We shall have to make the next part of the journey by boat! Here she comes!

  Look!'

  A steamy mist was rising up now from the great warm chocolate river, and out of the mist there appeared suddenly a most fantastic pink boat. It was a large open row boat with a tall front and a tall back (like a Viking boat of old), and it was of such a shining sparkling glistening pink colour that the whole thing looked as though it were made of bright, pink glass. There were many oars on either side of it, and as the boat came closer, the watchers on the riverbank could see that the oars were being pulled by masses of Oompa-Loompas – at least ten of them to each oar.

  'This is my private yacht!' cried Mr Wonka, beaming with pleasure. 'I made her by hollowing out an enormous boiled sweet! Isn't she beautiful! See how she comes cutting through the river!'

  The gleaming pink boiled-sweet boat glided up to the riverbank. One hundred Oompa-Loompas rested on their oars and stared up at the visitors. Then suddenly, for some reason best known to themselves, they all burst into shrieks of laughter.

  'What's so funny?' asked Violet Beauregarde.

  'Oh, don't worry about them!' cried Mr Wonka. 'They're always laughing! They think everything's a colossal joke! Jump into the boat, all of you! Come on! Hurry up!'

  As soon as everyone was safely in, the Oompa-Loompas pushed the boat away from the bank and began to row swiftly downriver.

  'Hey, there! Mike Teavee!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Please do not lick the boat with your tongue! It'll only make it sticky!'

  'Daddy,' said Veruca Salt, 'I want a boat like this! I want you to buy me a big pink boiled-sweet boat exactly like Mr Wonka's! And I want lots of Oompa-Loompas to row me about, and I want a chocolate river and I want … I want …'

  'She wants a good kick in the pants,' whispered Grandpa Joe to Charlie. The old man was sitting in the back of the boat and little Charlie Bucket was right beside him. Charlie was holding tightly on to his grandfather's bony old hand. He was in a whirl of excitement. Everything that he had seen so far – the great chocolate river, the waterfall, the huge sucking pipes, the minty sugar meadows, the Oompa-Loompas, the beautiful pink boat, and most of all, Mr Willy Wonka himself – had been so astonishing that he began to wonder whether there could possibly be any more astonishments left. Where were they going now? What were they going to see? And what in the world was going to happen in the next room?

  'Isn't it marvellous?' said Grandpa Joe, grinning at Charlie. Charlie nodded and smiled up at the old man.

  Suddenly, Mr Wonka, who was sitting on Charlie's other side, reached down into the bottom of the boat, picked up a large mug, dipped it into the river, filled it with chocolate, and handed it to Charlie. 'Drink this,' he said. 'It'll do you good! You look starved to death!'

  Then Mr Wonka filled a second mug and gave it to Grandpa Joe. 'You, too,' he said. 'You look like a skeleton! What's the matter? Hasn't there been anything to eat in your house lately?'

  'Not much,' said Grandpa Joe.

  Charlie put the mug to his lips, and as the rich warm creamy chocolate ran down his throat into his empty tummy, his whole body from head to toe began to tingle with pleasure, and a feeling of intense happiness spread over him.

  'You like it?' asked Mr Wonka.

  'Oh, it's wonderful!' Charlie said.

  'The creamiest loveliest chocolate I've ever tasted!' said Grandpa Joe, smacking his lips.

  'That's because it's been mixed by waterfall,' Mr Wonka told him.

  The boat sped on down the river. The river was getting narrower. There was some kind of a dark tunnel ahead – a great round tunnel that looked like an enormous pipe – and the river was running right into the tunnel. And so was the b oat! 'Row on!' shouted Mr Wonka, jumping up and waving his stick in the air. 'Full speed ahead!' And with the Oompa-Loompas rowing faster than ever, the boat shot into the pitch-dark tunnel, and all the passengers screamed with excitement.

  'How can they see where they're going?' shrieked Violet Beauregarde in the darkness. 'There's no knowing where they're going!' cried Mr Wonka, hooting with laughter.

  'There's no earthly way of knowing

  Which direction they are going!

  There's no knowing where they're rowing,

  Or which way the river's flowing!

  Not a speck of light is showing,

  So the danger must be growing,

  For the rowers keep on rowing,

  And they're certainly not showing

  Any signs that they are slowing …'

  'He's gone off his rocker!' shouted one of the fathers, aghast, and the other parents joined in the chorus of frightened shouting. 'He's crazy!' they shouted.

  'He's balmy!' 'He's nutty!' 'He's screwy!' 'He's batty!'

  'He's dippy!'

  'He's dotty!'

  'He's daffy!'

  'He's goofy!'

  'He's beany!'

  'He's buggy!'

  'He's wacky!'

  'He's loony!'

  'No, he is not!' said Grandpa Joe.

  'Switch on the lights!' shouted Mr Wonka. And suddenly, on came the lights and the whole tunnel was brilliantly lit up, and Charlie could see that they