My Uncle Oswald Read online

  'That's enough of that, Wolfgang,' Sir Charles said. 'Let's not start any wars. We are listening to a most interesting story. Carry on, my boy.'

  'So the next time,' I said, 'we only isolated twenty of these tiny red microscopic nuclei. We inserted them in a pellet of bread and then went out looking for a very old man. With the help of the local newspaper, we found our old man in Newmarket - that's a town not far from Cambridge. His name was Mr Sawkins and he was one hundred and two years old. He was suffering from advanced senility. His mind was wandering and he had to be fed by spoon. He had not been out of bed for seven years. The Professor and I knocked on the door of his house and his daughter, aged eighty, opened it. "I am Professor Yousoupoff," the Professor announced. "I have discovered a great medicine to help old people. Will you allow us to give some to your poor old father?"

  ' "You can give 'im anything you damn well please," the daughter said. "The old fool doesn't know what's goin' on from one day to the next. 'Ee's a flamin' nuisance."

  'We went upstairs and the Professor somehow managed to poke the bread pellet down the old man's throat. I noted the time by my watch. "Let us retire to the street outside and observe," the Professor said.

  'We went out and stood in the street. I was counting each minute aloud as it went by. And then - you won't believe this, gentlemen, but I swear it's exactly what happened - precisely on the dot of nine minutes, there was a thunderous bellow from inside the Sawkins's house. The front door burst open and the old man himself rushed out into the street. He was in bare feet, wearing dirty blue and grey striped pyjamas and his long white hair was all over his shoulders. "I want me a woman!" he bellowed. "I want me a woman and by God I'm goin' to get me a woman!" The Professor clutched my arm. "Don't move!" he ordered. "Just observe!"

  'The eighty-year-old daughter came rushing out after the father. "Come back, you old fool!" she yelled. "What the 'ell d'you think you're up to?"

  'We were, by the way, in a little street with a row of identical connected houses on either side. Mr Sawkins ignored his daughter and ran, he actually ran, to the next-door house. He started banging on the door with his fists. "Open up, Mrs Twitchell!" he bellowed. "Come on, my beauty, open up and let's 'ave a bit of fun!"

  'I caught a glimpse of the terrified face of Mrs Twitchell at the window. Then it went away. Mr Sawkins, still bellowing, put his shoulder to the flimsy door and smashed the lock. He dived inside. We stayed out on the street, waiting for the next development. The Professor was very excited. He was jumping up and down in his funny black boots and shouting, "We have a breakthrough! We've done it! We shall rejuvenate the world!"

  'Suddenly, piercing screams and yells came issuing from Mrs Twitchell's house. Neighbours were beginning to gather on the street. "Go in and get 'im!" shouted the old daughter. "'Ees' gone stark starin' mad!" Two men ran into the Twitchell house. There were sounds of a scuffle. Soon, out came the two men, frog-marching old Mr Sawkins between them. "I 'ad 'er!" he was yelling. "I 'ad the old bitch good and proper! I near rattled 'er to death!" At that point, the Professor and I moved quietly away from the scene.'

  I paused in my story. Seven Ambassadors, the Foreign Minister of France, the French Army General and the little Japanese man were all now leaning forward in their seats, their eyes upon me.

  'Is this exactly what happened?' Sir Charles asked me.

  'Every word of it, sir, is the gospel truth,' I lied. 'When Professor Yousoupoff publishes his findings, the whole world will be reading what I have just told you.'

  'So what happened next?' the Peruvian Ambassador asked.

  'From then on, it was comparatively simple,' I said. 'The Professor conducted a series of experiments designed to discover what the proper absolutely safe dose should be for a normal adult male. For this, he used undergraduate volunteers. And you can be quite sure, gentlemen, that he had no trouble getting young men to come forward. As soon as the news spread around the University, there was a waiting list of over eight hundred. But to cut the story short, the Professor finally demonstrated that the safe dose was no more than five of those tiny microscopic nuclei from the pomegranate seed. So, using calcium carbonate as a base, he manufactured a pill containing exactly this quantity of the magic substance. And he proved beyond any doubt that just one of these pills would, in precisely nine minutes, turn any man, even a very old man, into a marvellously powerful sex-machine that was capable of pleasuring his partner for six hours nonstop, without exception.'

  'Gott in Himmel!' shouted the German Ambassador. 'Ver can I get hold of ziss stuff?'

  'Me, too!' cried the Russian Ambassador. 'I haff priority claim because it voss invented by my countryman! I muss inform zee Tsar at vonce!'

  Suddenly, they were all speaking at the same time. Where could they get it? They wanted it now! How much did it cost? They were willing to pay handsomely! And the little Japanese fellow sitting on my left leaned over and hissed, 'You get me big supply of pills, yes. I give you very much money.'

  'Now just a moment, gentlemen,' Sir Charles said, raising a wrinkled hand for silence. 'Our young friend here has told us a fascinating story, but as he correctly pointed out, he was only a junior assistant to Professor whatever-his-name-is. I am quite sure, therefore, that he is not in a position to supply us with this remarkable new pill. Perhaps though, my dear Oswald,' and here Sir Charles leaned toward me and placed a withered hand gently on my forearm, 'perhaps, my dear Oswald, you could put me in touch with the great Professor. One of my duties here at the Embassy is to keep the Foreign Office informed of all new scientific discoveries.'

  'I quite understand,' I said.

  'If I could obtain a bottle of these pills, preferably a large bottle, I would send it straight to London.'

  'And I vould sent it to Petrograd,' said the Russian Ambassador.

  'And me to Budapest.'

  'And me to Mexico City.'

  'And me to Lima.'

  'And me to Rome.'

  'Rubbish!' cried the German Ambassador. 'You vont dem for yourselves, you dirty olt men!'

  'Now then, Wolfgang,' Sir Charles said, squirming a bit.

  'Vy not, my dear Sharles? I too vont dem for myself. For zee Kaiser as well, of course, but me first.'

  I decided I rather liked the German Ambassador. He was anyway honest.

  'I think it best, gentlemen,' Sir Charles said, 'if I myself make all the arrangements. I shall write personally to the Professor.'

  'The Japanese people,' Mr Mitsouko said, 'are very interested in all massage techniques and hot baths and in all similar technological advances, especially the Emperor himself.'

  I allowed them to finish. I was in control now and that gave me a good feeling. I helped myself to another glass of port but refused the huge cigar Sir Charles offered me. 'Would you prefer a smaller one, dear boy?' he asked me eagerly. 'Or a Turkish cigarette? I have some Balkan Sobranies.'

  'No, thank you, sir,' I said, 'but the port is delicious.'

  'Help yourself, dear boy! Fill your glass!'

  'I have some interesting news,' I said, and suddenly everyone became silent. The German Ambassador cupped a hand behind his ear. The Russian leaned forward in his seat. So did all the rest of them.

  'What I am about to tell you is extremely confidential,' I said. 'May I rely upon all of you to keep it to yourselves?'

  There was a chorus of 'Yes, yes! Of course! Absolutely! Carry on, young fellow!'

  'Thank you,' I said. 'Now the point is this. As soon as I knew that I was going to Paris I decided I simply must take with me a supply of these pills, especially for my father's great friend, Sir Charles Makepiece.'

  'My dear boy!' Sir Charles cried out. 'What a generous thought!'

  'I could not, of course, ask the Professor to give any of them to me,' I said. 'He would never have agreed to that. After all, they are still on the secret list.'

  'So what did you do?' asked Sir Charles. He was dribbling with excitement. 'Did you purloin them?'

  'Certain