Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator Read online

  'Of course they have,' said the Foreign Secretary. 'It was a brilliant speech, sir.'

  'They're probably on their way down here right now,' said Miss Tibbs. 'Go and wash that nasty sticky chewing-gum off your ringers quickly. They could be here any minute.'

  'Let's have a song first,' said the President. 'Sing another one about me, Nanny... please.'

  THE NURSE'S SONG

  This mighty man of whom I sing,

  The greatest of them all,

  Was once a teeny little thing,

  Just eighteen inches tall.

  I knew him as a tiny tot.

  I nursed him on my knee.

  I used to sit him on the pot

  And wait for him to wee.

  I always washed between his toes,

  And cut his little nails.

  I brushed his hair and wiped his nose

  And weighed him on the scales.

  Through happy childhood days he strayed,

  As all nice children should.

  I smacked him when he disobeyed,

  And stopped when he was good.

  It soon began to dawn on me

  He wasn't very bright,

  Because when he was twenty-three

  He couldn't read or write.

  'What shall we do?' his parents sobbed.

  ' The boy has got the vapours!

  He couldn't even get a job

  Delivering the papers!'

  'Ah-ha,'I said. 'This little clot

  Could be a politician.'

  'Nanny,' he cried. 'Oh Nanny, what

  A super proposition!'

  'Okay,' I said. 'Let's learn and note

  The art of politics.

  Let's teach you how to miss the boat

  And how to drop some bricks,

  And how to win the people's vote

  And lots of other tricks.

  Let's learn to make a speech a day

  Upon the TV screen,

  In which you never never say

  Exactly what you mean.

  And most important, by the way,

  Is not to let your teeth decay,

  And keep your fingers clean.'

  And now that I am eighty-nine,

  It's too late to repent.

  The fault was mine the little swine

  Became the President.

  'Bravo, Nanny!' cried the President, clapping his hands. 'Hooray!' shouted the others. 'Well done, Miss Vice-President, ma'am! Brilliant! Tremendous!'

  'My goodness!' said the President. 'Those men from Mars will be here any moment! What on earth are we going to give them for lunch? Where's my Chief Cook?'

  The Chief Cook was a Frenchman. He was also a French spy and at this moment he was listening at the keyhole of the President's study. 'Ici, Monsieur le President!' he said, bursting in.

  'Chief Cook,' said the President. 'What do men from Mars eat for lunch?'

  'Mars Bars,' said the Chief Cook.

  'Baked or boiled?' asked the President.

  'Oh, baked, of course, Monsieur le President. You will ruin a Mars Bar by boiling!'

  The voice of astronaut Shuckworth cut in over the loudspeaker in the President's study. 'Request permission to link up and go aboard Space Hotel?' he said.

  'Permission granted,' said the President. 'Go right ahead, Shuckworth. It's all clear now... Thanks to me.'

  And so the large Transport Capsule, piloted by Shuckworth, Shanks and Showier, with all the hotel managers and assistant managers and hall porters and pastry chefs and bell-boys and waitresses and chambermaids on board, moved in smoothly and linked up with the giant Space Hotel.

  'Hey there! We've lost our television picture,' called the President.

  'I'm afraid the camera got smashed against the side of the Space Hotel, Mr President,' Shuckworth replied. The President said a very rude word into the microphone and ten million children across the nation began repeating it gleefully and got smacked by their parents.

  'All astronauts and one hundred and fifty hotel staff safely aboard Space Hotel!' Shuckworth reported over the radio. 'We are now standing in the lobby!'

  'And what do you think of it all?' asked the President. He knew the whole world was listening in and he wanted Shuckworth to say how wonderful it was. Shuckworth didn't let him down.

  'Gee, Mr President, it's just great!' he said. 'It's unbelievable! It's so enormous! And so... it's kind of hard to find words to describe it, it's so truly grand, especially the chandeliers and the carpets and all! I have the Chief Hotel Manager, Mr Walter W. Wall, beside me now. He would like the honour of a word with you, sir.'

  'Put him on,' said the President.

  'Mr President, sir, this is Walter Wall. What a sumptuous hotel this is! The decorations are superb!'

  'Have you noticed that all the carpets are wall-to-wall, Mr Walter Wall?' said the President.

  'I have indeed, Mr President.'

  'All the wallpaper is all wall-to-wall, too, Mr Walter Wall.'

  'Yes, sir, Mr President! Isn't that something! It's going to be a real pleasure running a beautiful hotel like this!...Hey! What's going on over there? Something's coming out of the lifts! Help!' Suddenly the loudspeaker in the President's study gave out a series of the most ghastly screams and yells. 'Ayeeeee! Owwwww! Ayeeeee! Hel-l-l-lp! Hel-l-l-l-l-lp! Hel-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lpl"

  'What on earth's going on?' said the President. 'Shuckworth! Are you there, Shuckworth?... Shanks! Showier! Mr Walter Wall! Where are you all! What's happening?'

  The screams continued. They were so loud the President had to put his fingers in his ears. Every house in the world that had a television or radio receiver heard those awful screams. There were other noises, too. Loud grunts and snortings and crunching sounds. Then there was silence.

  Frantically the President called the Space Hotel on the radio. Houston called the Space Hotel. The President called Houston. Houston called the President. Then both of them called the Space Hotel again. But answer came there none. Up there in space all was silent.

  'Something nasty's happened,' said the President.

  'It's those men from Mars,' said the Ex-Chief of the Army. 'I told you to let me blow them up.'

  'Silence!' snapped the President. 'I've got to think.'

  The loudspeaker began to crackle. 'Hello!' it said. 'Hello hello hello! Are you receiving me, Space Control in Houston?'

  The President grabbed the mike on his desk. 'Leave this to me, Houston!' he shouted. 'President Gilligrass here receiving you loud and clear! Go ahead!'

  'Astronaut Shuckworth here, Mr President, back aboard the Transport Capsule...thank heavensV

  'What happened, Shuckworth? Who's with you?'

  'We're most of us here, Mr President, I'm glad to say. Shanks and Showier are with me, and a whole bunch of other folks. I guess we lost maybe a couple of dozen people altogether, pastry chefs, hall porters, that sort of thing. It sure was a scramble getting out of that place alive!'

  'What do you mean you lost two dozen people?' shouted the President. 'How did you lose them?'

  'Gobbled up!' replied Shuckworth. 'One gulp and that was it! I saw a big six-foot-tall assistant-manager being swallowed up just like you'd swallow a lump of ice-cream, Mr President! No chewing - nothing! Just down the hatch!'

  'But who?' yelled the President. 'Who are you talking about? Who did the swallowing?'

  'Hold it!' cried Shuckworth. 'Oh, my lord, here they all come now! They're coming after us! They're swarming out of the Space Hotel! They're coming out in swarms! You'll have to excuse me a moment, Mr President. No time to talk right now!'

  10

  Transport Capsule in Trouble - Attack No. 1

  While Shuckworth, Shanks and Showier were being chased out of the Space Hotel by the Knids, Mr Wonka's Great Glass Elevator was orbiting the Earth at tremendous speed. Mr Wonka had all his booster-rockets firing and the Elevator was reaching speeds of thirty-four thousand miles an hour instead of the normal seventeen thousand. They were tryin