Tales of the Unexpected Read online

  ‘Further than what?’

  ‘I don’t want to hear any more of this crazy talk. You’re acting like a lunatic.’

  Louisa put the cat slowly down on the sofa. Then slowly she raised herself to her full small height and took one pace forward. ‘Damn you, Edward!’ she shouted, stamping her foot. ‘For the first time in our lives something really exciting comes along and you’re scared to death of having anything to do with it because someone may laugh at you! That’s right, isn’t it? You can’t deny it, can you?’

  ‘Louisa,’ her husband said. ‘That’s quite enough of that. Pull yourself together now and stop this at once.’ He walked over and took a cigarette from the box on the table, then lit it with the enormous patent lighter. His wife stood watching him, and now the tears were beginning to trickle out of the inside corners of her eyes, making two little shiny rivers where they ran through the powder on her cheeks.

  ‘We’ve been having too many of these scenes just lately, Louisa,’ he was saying. ‘No no, don’t interrupt. Listen to me. I make full allowance for the fact that this may be an awkward time of life for you, and that –’

  ‘Oh, my God! You idiot! You pompous idiot! Can’t you see that this is different, this is – this is something miraculous? Can’t you see that?’

  At that point, he came across the room and took her firmly by the shoulders. He had the freshly lit cigarette between his lips, and she could see faint contours on his skin where the heavy perspiration had dried in patches. ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I’m hungry. I’ve given up my golf and I’ve been working all day in the garden, and I’m tired and hungry and I want some supper. So do you. Off you go now to the kitchen and get us both something good to eat.’

  Louisa stepped back and put both hands to her mouth. ‘My heavens!’ she cried. ‘I forgot all about it. He must be absolutely famished. Except for some milk, I haven’t given him a thing to eat since he arrived.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Why, him, of course. I must go at once and cook something really special. I wish I knew what his favourite dishes used to be. What do you think he would like best, Edward?’

  ‘Goddamn it, Louisa!’

  ‘Now, Edward, please. I’m going to handle this my way just for once. You stay here,’ she said, bending down and touching the cat gently with her fingers. ‘I won’t be long.’

  Louisa went into the kitchen and stood for a moment, wondering what special dish she might prepare. How about a soufflé? A nice cheese soufflé? Yes, that would be rather special. Of course, Edward didn’t much care for them, but that couldn’t be helped.

  She was only a fair cook and she couldn’t be sure of always having a soufflé come out well, but she took extra trouble this time and waited a long while to make certain the oven had heated fully to the correct temperature. While the soufflé was baking and she was searching around for something to go with it, it occurred to her that Liszt had probably never in his life tasted either avocado pears or grapefruit, so she decided to give him both of them at once in a salad. It would be fun to watch his reaction. It really would.

  When it was all ready, she put it on a tray and carried it into the living-room. At the exact moment she entered, she saw her husband coming in through the french windows from the garden.

  ‘Here’s his supper,’ she said, putting it on the table and turning towards the sofa. ‘Where is he?’

  Her husband closed the garden door behind him and walked across the room to get himself a cigarette.

  ‘Edward, where is he?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You know who.’

  ‘Ah, yes. Yes, that’s right. Well – I’ll tell you.’ He was bending forward to light the cigarette, and his hands were cupped around the enormous patent lighter. He glanced up and saw Louisa looking at him – at his shoes and the bottoms of his khaki slacks, which were damp from walking in long grass.

  ‘I just went out to see how the bonfire was going,’ he said.

  Her eyes travelled slowly upward and rested on his hands.

  ‘It’s still burning fine,’ he went on. ‘I think it’ll keep going all night.’

  But the way she was staring made him uncomfortable.

  ‘What is it?’ he said, lowering the lighter. Then he looked down and noticed for the first time the long thin scratch that ran diagonally clear across the back of one hand, from the knuckle to the wrist.

  ‘Edward!’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I know. Those brambles are terrible. They tear you to pieces. Now, just a minute, Louisa. What’s the matter?’

  ‘Edward!’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, woman, sit down and keep calm. There’s nothing to get worked up about. Louisa! Louisa, sit down!’

  PENGUIN BOOKS

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  The first seven stories are from Someone Like You, originally published by Martin Seeker & Warburg in 1954 and republished by Michael Joseph Ltd in 1961. The remaining stories are from Kiss Kiss, first published by Michael Joseph in 1960. All the stories appeared in an omnibus volume entitled Twenty-Nine Kisses from Roald Dahl published by Michael Joseph in 1969.

  This selection first published in Great Britain by Michael Joseph 1979

  Published in Penguin Books 1979

  Copyright © Roald Dahl, 1948, 1949, 1950, 1952, 1953, 1959, 1961, 1979

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Acknowledgement is hereby made to The New Yorker, Collier’s, Harper’s Magazine, Esquire, Nugget and Playboy, in which some of his stories included in this volume first appeared.

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  ISBN: 978-0-14-192901-9

  There’s More to Roald Dahl than Great Stories …

  Did you know that 10 per cent of author royalties* from this book go to help the work of the Roald Dahl charities?

  Roald Dahl’s Marvellous Children’s Charity exists to make life better for seriously ill children because it believes that every child has the right to a marvellous life.

  This marvellous charity helps thousands of children each year living with serious conditions of the blood and the brain – causes important to Roald Dahl in his lifetime – whether by providing nurses, equipment or toys for today’s children in the UK, or helping tomorrow’s children everywhere through pioneering research.

  Can you do something marvellous to help others? Find out how at: www.marvellouschildrenscharity.org

  The Roald Dahl Museum and Story Centre, based in Great Missenden just outside London, is in the Buckinghamshire village where Roald Dahl lived and wrote. At the heart of the Museum, created to inspire a love of reading and writing, is his unique archive of letters and manuscripts. As well as two fun-packed biographical galleries, the Museum boasts an interactive Story Centre. It is a place for the family, teachers and their pupils to explore the exciting world of creativity and literacy.

  Find out more at www.roalddahlmus