Roald Dahl Whoppsy-Whiffling Joke Book Read online

  What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving?

  A road hog!

  What do you call a sleeping bull?

  A bulldozer!

  What do you call a cow that twitches?

  Beef jerky!

  What is the difference between a car and a bull?

  A car only has one horn!

  What did one cow say to the other?

  “Mooooooove over!”

  What was the first animal in space?

  The cow that jumped over the moon!

  What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

  With a cow-culator!

  What did the farmer call the cow that wouldn’t give him any milk?

  An udder failure!

  Why did the policeman give the sheep a parking ticket?

  He was a baaaad driver.

  Why did the policeman give the sheep another ticket?

  He made an illegal ewe turn!

  What has four wheels, gives milk, and eats grass?

  A cow on a skateboard!

  What is a cow’s favorite place?

  The mooseum!

  What does a calf become after it’s one year old?

  Two years old.

  What do you give a pig with a rash?

  Oinkment!

  COW: Moooove over!

  SHEEP: Naaaa!

  Where do cows go on Saturday night?

  To the moooovies!

  Why did the pig go “moo”?

  Because it was learning a second language!

  What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?

  Jurassic pork!

  What do you get from a pampered cow?

  Spoiled milk!

  How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

  None—sheep can’t knit!

  Where do horses live?

  In the neigh-borhood!

  What do you call a pig with no legs?

  A groundhog!

  What is a

  horse’s favorite sport?

  Stable tennis!

  Muggle-Wump’s MONKEY BUSINESS

  Monkey around telling your friends these jokes!

  What do you call an exploding monkey?

  A baboom!

  What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

  The banana split!

  What did the angry monkey do?

  He went bananas!

  What do you call a massive gorilla?

  Sir!

  How do monkeys get down the stairs?

  They slide down the banana-ster!

  What is an ape’s favorite cookie?

  Chocolate chimp!

  Why did the monkey like the banana?

  Because it had appeal!

  Where should a monkey go when she loses her tail?

  To a re-tailer!

  How do you catch a monkey?

  Climb a tree and act like a banana!

  What kind of key opens a banana?

  A monkey!

  How do you make a gorilla stew?

  Keep it waiting for two hours!

  Where do chimps get their gossip from?

  The ape-vine!

  “Ah-ha!” cried Muggle-Wump. “Now for the fun! Now for the greatest UPSIDE-DOWN trick of all time! Are you ready?”

  What do you call a flying monkey?

  A hot-air baboon!

  What do you call a monkey selling potato chips?

  A chip-munk!

  What do monkeys do for a laugh?

  Tell each other jokes about children!

  Where do monkeys sleep at summer camp?

  In their ape-ricots!

  What do you call a baby ape?

  A chimp off the old block!

  What do apes use to fix their houses?

  Monkey wrenches!

  Why shouldn’t you get into a fight with an ape?

  They use gorilla warfare!

  When do monkeys fall from the sky?

  During Ape-ril showers!

  Why do apes tell such bad stories?

  Because they have no tails!

  What do chimps wear when they’re cooking?

  Ape-rons!

  Why are apes so noisy?

  They were raised in a zoo!

  Why did the monkey put a net over his head?

  He wanted to catch his breath!

  Why did the giant ape climb up the skyscraper?

  The elevator was broken!

  Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

  Because they have big fingers!

  What do you call a gorilla in a tree?

  Branch manager!

  Dirty Beasts and ANIMAL ANTICS

  Funnier than a trip to the zoo!

  What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese?

  “Thank you, I’ll just have a slither.”

  Why do animals wear fur coats?

  Because they would look silly in plastic raincoats!

  What do you do if your dog chews up a dictionary?

  Take the words out of his mouth!

  What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

  Lily!

  What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

  A watch dog!

  Where do mice moor their boats?

  At the hickory dickory dock.

  What is a cat’s favorite movie?

  The Sound of Meow-sic!

  How does a dog stop a video?

  He presses the paws button!

  What is it called when you lend money to a bison?

  A buff-a-loan!

  On which side do tigers have the most stripes?

  The outside!

  “She is the Giraffe!” the Pelican answered.

  “Is she not wonderful? Her LEGS are on the ground floor and her head is looking out of the top WINDOW!”

  What happened to the frog’s car?

  It got toad away!

  What is a cheetah’s favorite meal?

  Fast food!

  Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

  Because of the bark!

  What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail?

  “Me-ow!”

  What do you get when you plant a frog?

  A cr-oak tree!

  How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

  Put him in the front seat!

  What is the quietest kind of dog?

  A hush puppy!

  How is a dog like a telephone?

  It has collar ID!

  Why do cows wear bells?

  Because their horns don’t work!

  What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

  “Do you want to grab a bite?”

  What kind of cat should you never play games with?

  A cheetah!

  What is black and white and red all over?

  A panda with a rash!

  Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

  It takes them a long time to swallow their pride!

  What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

  A sham-poodle!

  How did Noah see the animals in the ark at