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Open Season Page 13
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“I can buy my own condoms, thank you,” he said.
“You know what I mean! She thought they were for us—that we . . .” She trailed off, unable to give voice to the idea.
“We’d have to be rabbits to use that many on our lunch hour,” he observed. “I don’t think it’s possible. How many are in there, six dozen or so? That’s seventy-two, so even if we had the entire hour, that means, roughly, using one about every fifty seconds.” He paused and looked thoughtful. “That isn’t the kind of record I want to set. One every hour, or every two hours, that would be different.”
She actually felt faint with shock, though she supposed it could be from practically running in the noonday heat. With his longer legs, he was pretty much at his normal stride; he wasn’t even panting.
Not that she was panting; she didn’t want to even think about panting while he was talking about using a condom every hour. She was breathing fast, that was all.
“You’re overheating,” he said. “Let’s stop in the Coffee Cup for something cold to drink, before you pass out on the sidewalk and I have to carry you.”
Daisy whirled on him and said with muffled outrage, “She’s probably already called my mother, and goodness knows who else, telling everyone that we bought a PartyPak of condoms on our lunch hour!”
“Then the best thing for you to do would be to go to the Coffee Cup with me so we’d have witnesses that we didn’t go to my house and do our best to use them all. PartyPak, huh?” He grinned. “I bet there’s an interesting variety. Let me see.”
“No!” she shrieked, turning away when he reached for the sack.
He stroked his jaw. “There’s probably an ordinance on the books against having pornographical items on the street.”
“Condoms are not pornographical,” she said, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. “They’re birth control and health-aid items.”
“Plain condoms, yeah, but there are probably some weird things in something called a PartyPak.”
Daisy chewed her lip. He wouldn’t arrest her; she was almost certain of it. On the other hand, this entire expedition had gotten out of hand so fast she was still reeling, and she wasn’t ready to push her luck. Silently she handed over the sack.
He didn’t just open the sack and look inside; he reached in and pulled out the PartyPak, right there on the street. Daisy looked around for a manhole to dive into, though any hole would have done. She’d made it half a step away from him before he seized her arm and hauled her back, all without looking up from the label on the back of the box.
“ ‘Ten different colors and flavors,’” he read aloud. “Including ‘bubble gum, watermelon, and strawberry.’ ” He glanced up and clicked his tongue. “I’m surprised at you, Miss Daisy.”
“I didn’t know about the watermelon,” she blurted, suddenly afraid there was a green-striped condom in the PartyPak box. This had been a terrible idea. Maybe Barbara would refund her money, unless there was a rule against letting people return condoms. “You weren’t supposed to return swimsuits and underwear, so Barbara might throw her out of the store if she tried to return the PartyPak.
“If I were you, I’d worry more about the bubble gum,” he said absently, still reading.
She blinked, taken aback. “Oh, I wouldn’t blow them,” she said, then clapped her hand over her mouth and stared at him with wide, horrified eyes.
“Shut up,” she said furiously a few minutes later, when he showed no signs of stopping laughing. He was all but howling, leaning weakly against a parked car and still clutching the box of condoms as he bent over to brace his hands on his knees. Tears were running down his face. She wished they were tears of pain.
No, she didn’t; she didn’t want to hurt anyone, even him. But enough was enough, and she wasn’t going to put up with this another second. If he wanted to arrest her, he’d have to stop laughing to do it, because she was leaving, and taking her PartyPak with her.
He held up his left hand to ward her off as she approached, evidently thinking she was going to hit him, though that didn’t stop the chortles and wheezes. Daisy snatched the box away from him and said, “Adolescent!” in her most freezing tones, and marched away.
“W-wait!” she heard him gasp. “Daisy!”
She didn’t stop marching, or even turn around. Fury propelled her all the way across the square to the library and up the two marble steps to the front door. She paused there, taking deep breaths in an effort to appear composed, then breezed through the door and up to the checkout desk as if she were Miss America. It was only when she reached out to raise the counter barrier that she realized she held the PartyPak in her hand, and there was no white paper sack covering it.
Kendra was behind the desk, and of course she immediately looked at what Daisy was carrying. Her eyes popped open so wide, white showed all the way around the irises. “Daisy! What—” She stopped, remembering where they were and that she should lower her voice. She pointed mutely at the box.
Everything else had failed her, so Daisy tried for nonchalance. “This?” she asked, lifting the box as if she couldn’t understand Kendra’s reaction. “It’s just a box of condoms.” Then she sailed into her office, shut the door, and collapsed in her chair.
“I hear you bought some condoms,” Todd said on the phone that evening, his amusement clear even through the telephone line.
“You, my mother and aunt, half the church, and all of the neighborhood,” Daisy said, and sighed. After all, that had been her plan. Sort of.
“And that you and our illustrious chief used half the box during lunch hour.”
“I went straight back to the library!” she wailed. “I knew that’s what Barbara Clud would say, the gossiping busybody! He wasn’t with me; he just came up while I was checking out.”
“She also said he didn’t buy anything, said he was in a hurry, and left with you.”
“This is going to ruin everything.” She sighed and sat down at the breakfast table, having taken the call in the kitchen. Her mother and Aunt Jo were watching television, as usual.
“How’s that?”
“If everyone thinks Chief Russo and I are having a—a thing—”
“An affair,” Todd supplied.
“—then no other men will come near me! How am I going to find a husband if no one will ask me out because they think the chief of police wouldn’t like it?”
“I can see where that would be a problem. He’s a big bruiser.”
“Well, that takes care of all the local men, so I bought those condoms for nothing.”
“I’m not certain I understand. Are you saying only local men could use them?”
“Oh, I’m not planning on using them. I knew Barbara would get the word out I’d bought them, and then some of the single men in town would find out I’m available, and modern, and things like that, and they’d be interested enough to at least check me out. That’s how it worked in theory,” she said glumly. “In reality, the chief ruined everything. Now I’ll have to concentrate on the nightclub men.”
“Are you going out tonight?” he asked.
“No, there’s too much to do getting my house ready. Buck Latham is finished painting, so now I have to clean and look for furniture, buy appliances, that sort of thing.”
“What style of furniture are you looking for?”
“Well, the house is small, so I’m aiming for cozy and comfortable. Whatever style that is, that’s what I want.”
“Does it have to be new? Or would you like some individual older pieces? We can pick those up at auctions for a fraction of what you would pay in a furniture store for something new.”
The idea of saving money always interested Daisy. “I’ve never been to an auction. Where is one, and when?”
“Everywhere, and always,” he drawled. “I’ll find one for tomorrow night, and we’ll have that house decorated before you know it”
Daisy moved into her little house on Friday, after a whirlwind of preparations that left he