Off the Page Read online

  “If she ever listens to me again . . .”

  “Give her time. She’ll hear you out.”

  “But it hurts me to know I can’t fix this.”

  “Well,” Jessamyn says, “imagine how much it hurt her to see you with someone else.”

  I glance up. “I guess you’re right.”

  “Of course I’m right; I’m your mother.” She blots her mouth with her napkin. “I’m just glad you’re speaking to me. I’m used to you grunting through dinner.”

  My mouth quirks upward. “Thanks, Mom.”

  “You’re welcome, Joseph.”

  “Joseph?” I repeat.

  It’s Edgar’s father’s name. I’ve seen photos of him, with his name and a date scrawled on the back. He looks exactly like King Maurice.

  Jessamyn presses her fingers against her temples. “Oh my God. I’m getting so old.” She smiles at me. “Give it a day. You two will be all over each other.”

  I wince. “God, Mom!”

  She laughs. “Now, there’s the Edgar I know and love.”

  At least someone does.

  I have planned it to perfection.

  With Ms. Pingree’s permission, I have raided the drama club costume closet, picking out an ill-fitted yet passable prince’s tunic, crown, and boots. A plastic sword is strapped to my side. I sneak into the biology class greenhouse with a pair of art room scissors and cut the stems of a dozen tulips, gathering them into a bouquet before a teacher can catch me in the act. Then I stride proudly into the cafeteria, my gaze narrowing like a beam on Delilah.

  I can feel the entire room watching me, and their whispers are cobwebs I easily brush aside. I march to her table, fall to my knee, and present her with the flowers. “Milady,” I say, “your eyes are but twin stars in my universe. Your voice is sweeter than a robin’s song. You are the very beat of my heart; the rush of my blood.”

  I believe I’m doing quite well. The cafeteria has begun cheering me on, and two spots of color appear on Delilah’s cheeks. Chris was correct; I am surely going to win back Delilah. After all, what girl doesn’t want a knight in shining armor?

  “ED-GAR! ED-GAR! ED-GAR!” My borrowed name echoes in the room.

  Those two roses blooming on Delilah’s cheeks have somehow spread, making her entire face as red as a lobster. She doesn’t meet my eye, and if I’m not mistaken, she seems to be sinking farther and farther under the table.

  She still hasn’t taken the bouquet. I shake it a little, still on bended knee, and clear my throat. “You’re the breath in my lungs. You’re—”

  “Done,” says Jules, appearing out of nowhere to yank me upright by my velvet collar. “Get your royal ass away from my best friend.”

  She tugs at my tunic, spins me around, and shoves me toward the cafeteria door. It’s all I can do not to stumble. The voices of other students follow me out: Nice try, man. Better luck next time. I would have said yes!

  I realize that I’m still holding the flowers. And that they’ve already begun to die.

  Slumped against my locker, I’m trying to understand how I’ve managed to make things even worse than they were. “What you need,” Raj says, “is to wow her with your intellect. You know what they say is the largest and most powerful sex organ in the body, right?” He taps his skull. “The brain.”

  “I don’t think Delilah wants me to say one more word, Raj.”

  “Listen. You walk up to her and you say: ‘Are you made of nickle, cerium, arsenic, and sulfur? Cuz you’ve got a NiCe AsS.’ ” When I stare at him blankly, he says, “Get it? The chemical symbols? They spell out . . . Oh, never mind.”

  I turn to him. “Have you ever had a girlfriend quarrel with you?”

  Raj shrugs. “Well, I mean, like, obviously, there’ve been women. . . .”

  “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

  “I’m not entirely sure,” he says. “In sixth-grade gym, I did fall off the ropes course and land on top of Charlotte Tazinkski and technically my lips grazed her mouth.” He looks at me. “Does that count?”

  “No, Raj,” I sigh. “Not even a little.”

  I drop my head into my hands, closing my eyes, which is why I don’t see Allie approach. She crouches down and lifts my chin with one finger, giving my costume a full once-over before she speaks. “I see I’m not the only one who can’t wait for drama club,” she purrs.

  I push her away. “No, Allie. In fact, I think I’m quitting. I’m going to join the football team or something, where I’m less likely to encounter the opposite sex.”

  She smiles at me. “You can’t tell me that was all just for show, Edgar. I felt something. I know you felt it too.”

  “Honestly, I’m just a good actor,” I say. “I’m with Delilah. I’m sorry if I did or said anything that made you think otherwise.”

  Her eyes flash, reminding me of the mermaids. “Really,” she says, her voice cooling. “You’d choose that over this?” She stands up, skimming her hand over her waist. “I took pity on you, because you were the new kid,” Allie continues. “But hey, if you want to socially exile yourself, be my guest.”

  She walks away, hips swinging, her heels staccato on the tile floor.

  It takes me a moment to remember that Raj is still sitting beside me. His jaw is practically hitting the ground. “Did you just break up with Allie?” he manages. “Are you an idiot?”

  James calls my name at the end of the LGBT Alliance meeting. “Your Oreos were a hit,” he says. “There’s only crumbs left.”

  “Thanks,” I say, distracted. Ever since my run-in with Allie, I’ve been trying to figure out how and when I can get Delilah alone for a minute, so that I can make a full apology before Jules tosses me down a flight of stairs.

  “So rumor has it you went full Romeo in the cafeteria today,” James says. “What’s up with that?”

  “I was told that a grand gesture is the way to a woman’s heart.”

  “There’s such a thing as too grand,” James says. “You might want to take it down a notch.”

  What was I thinking? Delilah’s not one for a show. The happiest hours we spent together were just the two of us, talking through the book. “Well, I probably won’t even get a chance,” I mutter. “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to speak to me.”

  “Aren’t you the one who told me you believe nothing should stand in the way of two people in love? What’s in your way?”

  I look up at James as understanding dawns. “Me.”

  “Maybe instead of pretending to be someone you’re not, you should just be yourself,” James says. “After all, isn’t that who she fell for in the first place?”

  The fog in my head finally clears. I understand what I’ve been doing wrong. James is correct—but it wasn’t just the cafeteria scene that was an act. I’ve been playing a role the whole time I’ve been here.

  I don’t know how to apologize like a teenage boy who’s gotten into a fight with his girlfriend. I don’t know how to figure out who’s friend and who’s foe. I don’t understand the social conventions of high school.

  But I’m an expert at happily-ever-after.

  DELILAH

  I’d rather be in Siberia right now, losing all my extremities to frostbite. Or talking to my pet cockroach in a maximum-security prison. Or sweating buckets in hell. I’d rather be anywhere but in the school cafeteria with everyone laughing at me.

  I feel my face catching fire. If only it were a real fire, so I could disappear into ash.

  Jules, my volunteer personal bodyguard, stands with her hands on her hips, ready to body-check any soul who dares to come close to me. Not that anyone is trying. They’re all applauding for Oliver as he and his ridiculous knight’s getup slink away.

  “All he’s ever done is act,” Jules points out. “Maybe he wasn’t expressly trying to humiliate you.”

  “Aren’t you my best friend?” I ask. “Whose side are you on?”

  “Obviously yours. All I’m saying is maybe you should cut him a litt