Nineteen Minutes Read online

  Josie already knew the answer. This group of kids--they weren't her friends. Popular kids didn't really have friends; they had alliances. You were safe only as long as you hid your trust--at any moment someone might make you the laughingstock, because then they knew no one was laughing at them.

  Josie was smarting, but she also knew part of the prank was a test to see how she reacted. If she turned around and accused her friends of hacking into her email and invading her privacy, she was doomed. Above all else, she wasn't supposed to show emotion. She was so socially above Peter Houghton that an email like this wasn't mortifying, but hilarious.

  In other words: Laugh, don't cry.

  "What a total loser," Josie said, as if it didn't bother her at all; as if she found this just as funny as Drew and Matt did. She balled up the email and tossed it behind the couch. Her hands were shaking.

  Matt lay his head down in her lap, still sweaty. "What did I officially decide to write about?"

  "Native Americans," Josie replied absently. "How the government broke treaties and took away their land."

  It was, she realized, something she could sympathize with: that rootlessness, the understanding that you were never going to feel at home.

  Drew sat up, straddling the weight bench. "Hey, how do I get myself a girl who can boost my GPA?"

  "Ask Peter Houghton," Matt answered, grinning. "He's the lovemeister."

  As Drew snickered, Matt reached for Josie's hand, the one holding the pencil. He kissed the knuckles. "You're too good to me," he said.

  *

  The lockers in Sterling High were staggered, one row on top and one row on the bottom, which meant that if you happened to be a lower locker you had to suffer getting your books and coat and stuff while someone else was practically standing on your head. Peter's locker was not only on the bottom row, it was also in a corner--which meant that he could never quite make himself small enough to get what he needed.

  Peter had five minutes to get from class to class, but he was the first one into the halls when the bell rang. It was a carefully calculated plan: if he left as soon as possible, he'd be in the hallways during the biggest crush of traffic, and therefore was less likely to be singled out by one of the cool kids. He walked with his head ducked, his eyes on the floor, until he reached his locker.

  He was kneeling in front of it, trading his math book for his social studies text, when a pair of black wedge heels stopped beside him. He glanced up the patterned stockings to the tweed miniskirt and asymmetrical sweater and long waterfall of blond hair. Courtney Ignatio was standing with her arms crossed, as if Peter had already taken up too much of her time, when he wasn't even the one who'd stopped her in the first place.

  "Get up," she said. "I'm not going to be late for class."

  Peter stood and closed his locker. He didn't want Courtney to see that inside, he had taped a picture of himself and Josie from when they were little. He'd had to climb up into the attic where his mother kept her old photo albums, since she'd gone digital two years ago, and now all they had were CDs. In the photo, he and Josie were sitting on the edge of a sandbox at nursery school. Josie's hand was on Peter's shoulder. That was the part he liked the best.

  "Look, the last thing I want to do is stand here and be seen talking to you, but Josie's my friend, which is why I volunteered to do this in the first place." Courtney looked down the hall, to make sure no one was coming. "She likes you."

  Peter just stared at her.

  "I mean she likes you, you retard. She's totally over Matt; she just doesn't want to ditch him until she knows for sure that you're serious about her." Courtney glanced at Peter. "I told her it's social suicide, but I guess that's what people do for love."

  Peter felt all the blood rush to his head, an ocean in his ears. "Why should I believe you?"

  Courtney tossed her hair. "I don't give a damn if you do or you don't. I'm just telling you what she said. What you do with it is up to you."

  She walked down the hallway and disappeared around a corner just as the bell rang. Peter was going to be late now; he hated being late, because then you could feel everyone's eyes on you when you walked into class, like a thousand crows pecking at your skin.

  But that hardly mattered, not in the grand scheme of things.

  *

  The best item the cafeteria served was Tater Tots, soaked in grease. You could practically feel the waist of your jeans getting snugger and your face breaking out--and yet, when the cafeteria lady held out her massive spoonful, Josie couldn't resist. She sometimes wondered: If they were as nutritious as broccoli, would she want them so much? Would they taste this good if they weren't so bad for you?

  Most of Josie's friends only drank diet soda for their meals; getting anything substantial and carbohydrate-based practically labeled you as either a whale or a bulimic. Usually, Josie limited herself to three Tater Tots, and then gave the rest to the guys to devour. But today, she'd practically been salivating for the past two classes just thinking about Tater Tots, and she couldn't stop taking just one more. If it wasn't pickles and ice cream, did it still qualify as a craving?

  Courtney leaned across the table and swept her finger through the grease that lined the Tater Tot tray. "Gross," she said. "How come gas is so expensive, when there's enough oil on these babies to fill Drew's pickup truck?"

  "Different kind of oil, Einstein," Drew said. "Did you really think you were pumping out Crisco at the Mobil station?"

  Josie bent down to unzip her backpack. She had packed herself an apple; it had to be in here somewhere. She rummaged through loose papers and makeup, so focused on her search that she didn't realize the banter between Drew and Courtney--or anyone else, for that matter--had fallen silent.

  Peter Houghton was standing next to their table, holding a brown bag in one hand and an open milk carton in the other. "Hi, Josie," he said, as if she might be listening, as if she weren't dying a thousand kinds of death in that one second. "I thought you might like to join me for lunch."

  The word mortified sounded like you'd gone to granite, like you couldn't move to save your soul. Josie imagined how years from now, students would point to the frozen gargoyle that used to be her, still rooted to the plastic cafeteria chair, and say, Oh, right, I heard about what happened to her.

  Josie heard a rustling behind her, but she couldn't have moved at that moment if her life depended on it. She looked up at Peter, wishing there were some kind of secret language where what you said was not what you meant, and the listener would automatically know you were speaking that tongue. "Um," Josie began. "I . . ."

  "She'd love to," Courtney said. "When hell freezes over."

  The entire table dissolved into a fizz of laughter, an inside joke that Peter didn't understand. "What's in the bag?" Drew asked. "Peanut butter and jelly?"

  "Salt and pepper?" Courtney chimed in.

  "Bread and butter?"

  The smile on Peter's face wilted as he realized how deep a pit he'd fallen into, and how many people had dug it. He glanced from Drew to Courtney to Emma and then back at Josie--and when he did, she had to look away, so that nobody--including Peter--would see how much it hurt her to hurt him; to realize that--in spite of what Peter had believed about her--she was no different from anyone else.

  "I think Josie should at least get to sample the merchandise," Matt said, and when he spoke she realized that he was no longer sitting beside her. He was standing, in fact, behind Peter; and in one smooth stroke he hooked his thumbs into the loops of Peter's pants and yanked them down to his ankles.

  Peter's skin was moon-white under the harsh fluorescent lamps of the cafeteria, his penis a tiny spiral shell on a sparse nest of pubic hair. He immediately covered his genitals with his lunch bag, and as he did, he dropped his milk carton. It spilled on the floor between his feet.

  "Hey, look at that," Drew said. "Premature ejaculation."

  The entire cafeteria began to spin like a carousel--bright lights and harlequin colors. Josie cou