Sing You Home Read online

  Duermete, mi sol

  Duermete, pedazo

  De mi corazon.

  For a moment, the kids who were running in circles paused. The adults in the room stared at me. I became the focal point, the center of all their energy, instead of that poor infant. As soon as the nurse arrived and undressed the baby for its last bath, I slipped out of the room and went to the administrative offices of the hospital and quit.

  I had played at the bedsides of children who were dying dozens of times; I had always considered it a privilege to swing them from this world into the next with a string of notes, a sweet refrain. But this had been different. I just couldn't play Orpheus for a dead baby, not when Max and I were trying so hard to get pregnant.

  My own son is cold to the touch. I lay him down between my legs on the hospital mattress and unsnap the blue pajamas in which some kind nurse has dressed him. I cover his torso with my hand, but there's no heartbeat.

  Duermete, mi nino, I whisper.

  "Would you like to keep him here for a while?" asks the nurse who was carrying him.

  I look up at her. "I can do that?"

  "You can keep him as long as you like," she says. "Well . . ." She doesn't finish the rest of the thought.

  "Where does he stay?" I say.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "When he's not here. Where does he stay?" I look at the nurse. "In the morgue?"

  "No. He stays with us."

  She's lying to me. I know she's lying. If he had been in a bassinet with the other babies, his skin wouldn't have a chill to it, like an autumn morning. "I want to see."

  "I'm afraid we can't--"

  "Do it." My mother's voice crackles with authority. "If that's what she needs to see, let her."

  The two nurses look at each other. Then one of them steps outside and brings in a wheelchair. They help me swing my legs off the bed and sit down. The whole time I am holding the baby.

  Max wheels me down the hallway. Behind one door I hear the grunt of a woman in labor. He pushes me a little faster.

  "Mrs. Baxter would like to see where her son has been," the nurse says to a colleague behind the desk, as if this is the kind of request she fields daily. She leads me past the nurses' station to a row of shelving units stuffed with plastic-wrapped tubing and stacks of swaddling blankets and diapers. Beside it is a small, stainless steel refrigerator, the kind I used to have in my dorm room at college.

  The nurse opens up the refrigerator. I don't understand at first, and then when I look inside and see the empty white walls and the single rack, I do.

  I grab the baby closer, but he is so small that it's hard to feel as if I've got him soundly. I might as well be holding a bag of feathers, a breath, a wish. I stand up without a plan in my head--just knowing that I cannot look at that refrigerator anymore--and suddenly I cannot breathe, and the world is spinning, and my chest is being crushed in a vise. All I can think, before I fall to the ground, is that I won't drop my son. That a good mother wouldn't let go.

  "What you're saying," I tell Dr. Gelman, my OB, "is that I'm a ticking time bomb."

  After I fainted, was revived, and told the doctors my symptoms, I was put on heparin. A spiral CT scan showed a blood clot that had traveled to my lung--a pulmonary embolism. Now, my doctor's told me that my blood tests showed a clotting disorder. That this could happen again and again.

  "Not necessarily. Now that we know you've got AT III, we can put you on Coumadin. It's treatable, Zoe."

  I am a little afraid to move, certain that I will jar the clot and send it right to my brain and have an aneurysm. Dr. Gelman assures me that the shots of heparin I've had will keep that from happening.

  There's a part of me, the part that feels like I've swallowed a stone, that is disappointed.

  "How come you didn't test for it before?" Max asks. "You tested for everything else."

  Dr. Gelman turns to him. "Antithrombin three deficiency isn't pregnancy-related. It's something you're born with, and this thrombophilia tends to show up in younger people. We often can't diagnose a clotting disorder until someone's aggravated it. A broken leg can do that. Or, in Zoe's case, labor and delivery."

  "It's not pregnancy-related," I repeat, grabbing on to that statement with all my might. "So technically I could still have a baby?"

  The obstetrician hesitates. "The two conditions are not mutually exclusive," she says, "but why don't we talk about this in a few weeks?"

  We both turn at the sound of the door closing behind Max, who's left the room.

  When I am discharged from the hospital, I am wheeled to the bank of elevators by an orderly, with Max carrying my overnight bag. I notice something I didn't notice during the two days I've been there--a single buttercup in a little glass vase that is suctioned to my hospital room door. My room is the only one in the hallway that has a vase. I realize this is some kind of sign, a cue for the phlebotomists and the residents and the candy stripers entering the room that this is not a zone of happiness, that, unlike in every other new mother's room, here something terrible has happened.

  As we are waiting for the doors to open, another woman is wheeled up beside me. She has a newborn in her arms, and attached to the arm of her wheelchair is a CONGRATULATIONS balloon. Her husband follows, his arms full of flowers. "Is that Daddy?" the woman coos, as the baby stirs. "Are you waving?"

  A bell dings, and the elevator doors open. It is empty, plenty of room for two. The woman is wheeled inside first, and then my orderly begins to pivot the wheelchair, so that I can be wheeled in beside her.

  Max, however, blocks his way. "We'll take the next one," he says.

  We drive home in Max's truck, which smells of loam and freshly cut grass, even though there are no mowers or weed cutters in the flatbed. I wonder who is covering the business. Max turns on the radio and sets it to a music station. This is a big deal--usually we argue over the programming. He will listen to Car Talk on NPR, Wait Wait. . . Don't Tell Me! and just about any news show . . . but he doesn't like music playing while he's driving. Me, I can't imagine even a half-mile trip without singing along to a song.

  "It's supposed to be nice this weekend," Max says. "Hot."

  I look out the window. We're at a red light, and in the car beside us is a mother with two children, who are eating animal crackers in the backseat.

  "I thought we could take a ride down to the beach, maybe."

  Max surfs; these are the last days of summer. It's what he'd normally do. Except nothing is normal. "Maybe," I say.

  "I thought," Max continues, "that might be a good place for, you know." He swallows. "The ashes."

  We named the baby Daniel and arranged to have him cremated. The ashes would come back in an urn shaped like a tiny ceramic baby shoe with a blue ribbon. We didn't really discuss what we would do with them once they arrived, but now I realize Max has a point. I don't want the urn on the kitchen counter. I don't want to bury it in our backyard the way we buried our canary when it died. I suppose the beach is a pretty place, if not a meaningful one. But then again, what is my other option? It's not like my baby was conceived in a romantic place like Venice, where I could float the urn down the river Po; or under the stars in Tanzania, where I could open the urn to the wind of the Serengeti. He was conceived in a lab at an IVF clinic, and I can't really scatter the ashes through its halls.

  "Maybe," I say, which is all I can give Max right now.

  When we pull into our driveway, my mother's car is already there. She is going to be staying with me during the day to make sure I'm all right when Max goes to work. She comes outside to the truck to help me down from my seat. "What can I get you, Zo?" she asks. "A cup of tea? Some chocolate? We could watch the episodes of True Blood you've got TiVoed . . ."

  "I want to just lie down," I say, and when she and Max both rush to help me, I hold them off. I walk down the hall slowly, using the wall for support. But instead of entering our bedroom at the end of the hall, I duck into a smaller room on the right.