Change of Heart Read online

  The thing is, my dog doesn't move.

  I stand there, staring, even though I know what's happened. My mother told me once, in her dump truck-load of fun facts about cardiac patients, that when you do a transplant the nerve that goes from the brain to the heart gets cut. Which means that it takes people like me longer to respond to situations that would normally freak us out. We need the adrenaline to kick in first.

  You can hear this and think, Oh, how nice to stay calm.

  Or you can hear this and think, Imagine what it would be like to have a brand-new heart, and be so slow to feel.

  And then, boom, just like that it kicks in. I fall down to my knees in front of the dog. I'm afraid to touch him. I have been too close to death; I don't want to go there again.

  By now the tears are here; they stream down my face and into my mouth. Loss always tastes like salt. I bend down over my old, sweet dog. "Dudley," I say. "Come on." But when I scoop him up--put my ear against his rib cage--he's cold, stiff, not breathing.

  "No," I whisper, and then I shout it so loud that my mother comes scrambling up the stairs like a storm.

  She fills my doorway, wild-eyed. "Claire? What's wrong?"

  I shake my head; I can't speak. Because, in my arms, the dog twitches. His heart starts beating again, beneath my own two hands.

  AUTHOR'S NOTE

  For those wishing to learn more about the topics in this book, try these sites and texts, which were instrumental to me during this journey.

  ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY

  Death Penalty Information Center: www.deathpenaltyinfo.org.

  Death Row Support Project, PO Box 600, Liberty Mills, IN 46946. (Contact them if you want to write to a death row prisoner.) Murder Victims' Families for Human Rights: www.mvfhr.org.

  Murray, Robert W. Life on Death Row. Albert Publishing Co., 2004.

  Prejean, Sister Helen. Dead Man Walking. New York: Vintage Books, 1993.

  ------. The Death of Innocents. New York: Random House, 2005.

  Rossi, Richard Michael. Waiting to Die. London: Vision Paperbacks, 2004.

  Turow, Scott. Ultimate Punishment. New York: Picador, 2003.

  ABOUT THE GNOSTIC GOSPELS

  Pagels, Elaine. Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas. New York: Random House, 2003.

  ------. The Gnostic Gospels. New York: Random House, 1979.

  Robinson, James M., ed. The Nag Hammadi Library. Leiden, the Netherlands: E. J. Brill, 1978.