House Rules Read online

--Um.|| I look at him. --Evidence breaks down when it's below freezing?||

  --Cold constricts the sweat pores,|| Jacob says, --so excretions are reduced, and that means matter won't stick to the surface and leave a latent print on the glass.||

  --That was my second guess,|| I joke.

  I used to call him my little genius, because even when he was small he'd spew forth an explanation like that one. I remember once, when he was four, he was reading the sign for a doctor's office when the postman walked by. The guy couldn't stop staring, but then again, it's not every day you hear a preschooler pronounce the word gastroenterology, clear as a bell.

  I pull into the parking lot. I ignore a perfectly good parking spot because it happens to be next to a shiny orange car, and Jacob doesn't like the color orange. I can feel him draw in his breath and hold it until we drive past. We get out of the car, and Jacob runs for a cart; then we walk inside.

  The spot that the Free Sample Lady usually occupies is empty.

  --Jacob,|| I say immediately, --it's not a big deal.||

  He looks at his watch. --It's eleven-fifteen. She comes at eleven and leaves at twelve.||

  --Something must have happened.||

  --Bunion surgery,|| calls an employee, who is stacking packages of carrots within earshot. --She'll be back in four weeks.||

  Jacob's hand begins to flap against his leg. I glance around the store, mentally calculating whether it would cause more of a scene to try to get Jacob out of here before the stimming turns into a full-blown breakdown or whether I can talk him through this. --You know how Mrs. Pinham had to leave school for three weeks when she got shingles, and she couldn't tell you beforehand? This is the same thing.||

  --But it's eleven-fifteen,|| Jacob says.

  --Mrs. Pinham got better, right? And everything went back to normal.||

  By now, the carrot man is staring at us. And why shouldn't he? Jacob looks like a totally normal young man. He's clearly intelligent. But having his day disrupted probably makes him feel the same way I would if I was suddenly told to bungee off the top of the Sears Tower.

  When a low growl rips through Jacob's throat, I know we are past the point of no return. He backs away from me, into a shelf full of pickle jars and relishes. A few bottles fall to the floor, and the breaking glass sends him over the edge. Suddenly Jacob is screaming--one high, keening note that is the soundtrack of my life. He moves blindly, striking out at me when I reach for him.

  It is only thirty seconds, but thirty seconds can last forever when you are the center of everyone's scrutiny; when you are wrestling your six-foot-tall son down to the linoleum floor and pinning him with your full body weight, the only kind of pressure that can soothe him. I press my lips close to his ear. --I shot the sheriff,|| I sing. --But I didn't shoot no deputy ...||

  Since he was little, those Bob Marley lyrics have soothed him. There were times I played that song twenty-four hours a day just to keep him calm; even Theo knew all the verses before he was three. Sure enough, the tension seeps out of Jacob's muscles, and his arms go limp at his sides. A single tear streaks from the corner of his eye. --I shot the sheriff,|| he whispers, --but I swear it was in self-defense.||

  I put my hands on either side of his face and force him to meet my eyes. --Okay now?||

  He hesitates, as if he is taking a serious inventory. --Yes.||

  I sit up, inadvertently kneeling in the puddle of pickle juice. Jacob sits up, too, and hugs his knees to his chest.

  A crowd has gathered around us. In addition to the carrot man, the manager of the store, several shoppers, and twin girls with matching constellations of freckles on their cheeks are all staring down at Jacob with that curious mix of horror and pity that follows us like a dog nipping at our heels. Jacob wouldn't hurt a fly, literally or figuratively--I've seen him cup his hands around a spider during a three-hour car ride so that, at our destination, he could set it free outside. But if you are a stranger and you see a tall, muscular man knocking over displays, you don't look at him and assume he's frustrated.

  You think he's violent.

  --He's autistic,|| I snap. --Do you have any questions?||

  I've found that anger works best. It's the electric shock they need to tear their gaze away from the train wreck. As if nothing's happened, the shoppers go back to sifting through the navel oranges and bagging their bell peppers. The two little girls dart down the dairy aisle. The carrot man and the manager do not make eye contact, and that suits me just fine. I know how to handle their morbid curiosity; it's their kindness that might break me.

  Jacob shuffles along behind me as I push the cart. His hand is still twitching faintly at his side, but he's holding it together.

  My biggest hope for Jacob is that moments like this won't happen.

  My biggest fear: that they will, and I won't always be there to keep people from thinking the worst of him.

  Theo

  I've had to get twenty-four stitches on my face, thanks to my brother. Ten of them left a scar cutting through my left eyebrow, after the time that Jacob knocked over my high chair when I was eight months old. The other fourteen stitches were on my chin, Christmas 2003, when I got so excited about some stupid gift that I crumpled the wrapping paper, and Jacob went ballistic at the sound. The reason I'm telling you this has nothing to do with my brother, though. It's because my mother will tell you Jacob's not violent, but I am living proof that she's kidding herself.

  I am supposed to make exceptions for Jacob; it's one of our unwritten house rules. So when we need to take a detour away from a detour sign (how ironic is that?) since it's orange and freaks Jacob out, that trumps the fact that I'm ten minutes late for school. And he always gets the shower first, because a hundred billion years ago when I was still a baby Jacob took the first shower, and he can't handle having his routine messed up. And when I turned fifteen and made an appointment to get my learner's permit at the DMV--an appointment that got canceled when Jacob had a meltdown over buying a pair of new sneakers--I was expected to understand that these things happen. The problem is, something happened the next three times I tried to get my mom to take me to the DMV and, finally, I just stopped asking. At this rate, I'll be riding my skateboard till I'm thirty.

  Once, when Jacob and I were little, we were playing in a pond near our house with an inflatable boat. It was my job to watch Jacob, even though he was three years older than I am and has had just as many swimming lessons as I have. We overturned the boat and swam up underneath it, where the air was heavy and wet. Jacob started talking about dinosaurs, which he was into at the time, and he wouldn't shut up. Suddenly I began to panic. He was sucking up all the oxygen in that tiny space. I pushed at the boat, trying to lift it off us, but the plastic had created some kind of seal on the surface of the water--which only made me panic even more. And sure, with twenty-twenty hindsight, I know I could have swum out from underneath the boat, but at that moment it didn't occur to me. All I knew, at the time, was that I couldn't breathe. When people ask me what it's like growing up with a brother who has Asperger's, that's what I always think of, even though the answer I give out loud is that I've never known anything different.

  I'm no saint. There are times I'll do things to drive Jacob crazy, because it's just so damn easy. Like when I went into his closet and mixed up all his clothes. Or when I hid the toothpaste cap so that he couldn't put it back on when he was done brushing his teeth. But then I wind up feeling bad for my mom, who usually bears the brunt of one of Jacob's meltdowns. There are times I hear her crying, when she thinks Jacob and I are asleep.

  That's when I remember that she didn't sign up for this kind of life, either.

  So I run interference. I'm the one who physically drags Jacob away from a conversation when he's starting to freak people out by being too intense. I'm the one who tells him to stop flapping when he's nervous on the bus, because it makes him look like a total nutcase. I'm the one who goes to his classes before I go to my own, just to let the teachers know that