New and…Improved? & Andrew in Excess Read online

  “Thank you. Now shut up.”

  “Why don’t you take it outside, fellows-unless you just happen to like it here?” Sergeant Smartmouth suggested.

  Andrew withheld comment until he and Eddie were out of the station and in Eddie’s car.

  In the close confines of his sedan, Eddie wrinkled his nose. “Jeez, you stink. Did you sit too close to a drunk or what?”

  “No, buddy.” That was a new name he’d learned to loathe this evening. “You’re smelling genuine dog urine. After Toto helped me body-tackle the policeman, he relieved himself on both of us.”

  From the driver’s seat, Eddie made a choking sound. Andrew showed remarkable restraint in not finishing the job for him. He hated to render his only sister a widow and his niece fatherless.

  Suddenly, bone weary, he laid his head on the back of the seat. “Edward, my life is out of control. My life has never been out of control. In the past three weeks I’ve been photographed publicly groping a woman, gotten married, had my eye blackened, had a room of three hundred think they heard me having sex with my wife, had my wife toss crystal at me like I was target practice before she left me, been double-crossed by my father, peed on by a dog twice and now arrested.” He didn’t throw in and fallen in love. It was too illogical for him to accept. “And do you know what I’ve done every night since Kat left?”

  Eddie held up a hand to stop him. “I’d rather not know if you’ve been seeing Mary Thumb and her four sisters.”

  Andrew shook his head. He’d resorted to several cold showers but not that. Not yet anyway. That couldn’t begin to compare to his memories of the taste, feel and smell of his wife that were driving him mad. “Oh, no. I go home after work every night and water her damn flowers.”

  “Congratulations!” Eddie blew the car horn for good measure.

  “What?”

  “Congratulations on joining the real world.”

  “Pull over.”

  “Why?”

  “You must be tipsy, and I’m not riding with anyone who’s been drinking.”

  “Um, I think that’d be you. When I told you earlier tonight-or I guess last night now-to talk to Kat, I didn’t mean right then. But think about it. You’ve lived more since you met Kat than you have in your entire lifetime. And you just wait until the baby comes.”

  Andrew recognized the truth when he heard it. But that didn’t mean that he had to like it or accept it. He countered, as much out of habit as conviction, “The law has always been my first love.”

  Eddie pulled up in front of Andrew’s house. “That’s a load of bull! Sometimes I can’t believe you managed to graduate summa cum dummy from Harvard. The law is the law, whether you’re practicing at Winthrop, Fullford, and Winthrop or Lawyers ‘R’ Us. But you know what? There’s only one Kat Winthrop, and I believe they broke the mold with her.” Eddie reached across Andrew and opened his door. “Now get the hell out of my car, and try not to get arrested in the next twelve hours. I need my beauty sleep.”

  11

  K AT BURIED HER HEAD underneath her pillow and willed the pounding to go away. Another minute and she realized it wasn’t her head. Reluctantly, she pulled herself out of bed. Pushing her hair out of her eyes, she shrieked at the face pressed against the bedroom window. Her mother appeared unrepentant as she motioned for Kat to let her in the front door.

  Kat made the increasingly familiar trek from bedroom to front door. She’d come to the beach house seeking solitude. This was more like Grand Central Station. At Thanksgiving. Maybe even Christmas. She opened the door.

  “I knocked and knocked, and when you didn’t answer, I thought maybe you were dead or something, so that’s why I was looking in through the windows.” Her mother sailed past her, backed up and gave her a quick hug. “I’m glad you’re not.”

  Kat hadn’t gotten back to sleep until Eddie had phoned her on his cell phone, assuring her that Andrew was home and the charge would be dropped. Sleep-and caffeine-deprivation scrambled her mother’s rambles. “Huh?”

  “Dead. I’m glad you’re not dead, dear.”

  Kat headed for the kitchen, or more specifically, the coffeemaker and hit the red On button. “Thanks. I consider that a bonus this morning.”

  She opened a package of Fig Newtons and offered one to her mother. With practiced ease, Kat managed to fill two coffee mugs and replace the glass carafe under the streaming liquid with barely a spill.

  Her mother gestured to a behavior modification tape. “What’s that?”

  Desperate, she now listened to several a day. “My new best friend.” Was that a problem when you became excessive with your moderation tape? She was too tired to think about it.

  Joining her mother at the table, Kat sipped the hot, strong brew. “Aah, nectar of the gods. Would you like to tell me why you’re here, Mother?”

  “Jackson spilled your beans, dear.”

  “I’m already not speaking to him for the rest of this life. He just screwed up the next one as well.” Kat paced to the deck door and back. “Can you request a particular reincarnation? I’d like to be a bulldog with rabies just so I can bite Jackson in the ass.” And she was only partially teasing. The idea held great appeal.

  “That’s blasphemous. I think.” Without blinking an eye, her mother picked up Kat’s coffee cup and emptied it down the sink. “Anyway, he did what he thought was right.”

  Kat’s mouth gaped open at her empty cup. “Why’d you do that?”

  “You’ve got to lay off the high-test if you’re pregnant.” Her mother opened the refrigerator, filled Kat’s coffee cup to the brim with milk and placed it on the table. “Now that’s just what our little zygote needs.”

  Kat shrugged in resignation. Sometimes Mother did know best. Would her little zygote think the same one day?

  “Kat, since you were a teenager I’ve tried not to meddle in your life. And maybe that’s been a mistake on my part. For years, I’ve felt guilty that I didn’t try to do anything about Nick. I knew he was wrong for you. And sure enough he wound up hurting you.”

  “Mom, you couldn’t have changed anything.”

  “Maybe not, but we’ll never know. But this time I’m not going to stand by and say nothing while you make another mistake.”

  Kat dunked a fig cookie into her milk. “Mom, I know Andrew’s a mistake. That’s why I’m here.”

  “Andrew’s not a mistake. That’s why I’m here.”

  “If Jackson spilled all my beans, then you know he, Andrew and Eddie deliberately deceived me. I need a straight answer, Mom. Are men genetically incapable of the truth? Or is there a sign on my back that says Fool- Play Me?” Tears threatened to spill over. Kat yanked herself up by her Fig Newtons. She’d never been the weepy sort. She’d made it through her Nick fiasco without shedding a tear.

  Her mother gentled a strand of hair behind her ear, much like she’d done when Kat was a small child. “It felt like the thing with Nick, didn’t it?”

  Kat nodded, managing a single word. “Worse.” Anything more and her waterworks would start up. No need to ruin a perfectly good breakfast of milk and cookies with salty tears.

  “I think Andrew’s taking the heat for Nick, too.”

  Kat opened her mouth to protest and shoved a cookie in instead.

  “You came home one day and Nick was simply gone. You were left with a public and private mess you had to deal with on your own. You never even had the chance to confront him.”

  How many times had she fantasized about throwing the contents of the china cabinet at Nick’s lying face? How much of the Waterford pitched at Andrew had also been intended for Husband Number One?

  “Maybe.”

  “Andrew’s not like Nick. Nick used and abused for his financial gain. And, honey, that bad karma’s gonna crawl all over him one day.”

  “I don’t care.” The words emerged without rancor and she meant them. She felt the tremendous weight of her anger at Nick slip away, freeing her. Kat jumped up and danced a jig around the