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Standing under the needle spray of the shower, Andrea battled bone-numbing fatigue and promised herself that just as soon as this meeting was over, she was coming back here to sleep straight through until tomorrow morning. Dolan could have the command and all the joys that went with it.
Time for another haircut, she thought as she dried her hair in front of the bathroom mirror. And suddenly, from out of nowhere, came a memory of the long, long hair her father had never allowed her to cut. It had fallen below her hips, and she had always caught it back in an impatient ponytail to keep it out of her way. How fiercely glad she’d been when she arrived at the Academy and had it all cut off. Now she wondered, actually wondered, if she should let it grow out.
“You’re crazy from lack of sleep, Burke,” she told her reflection sourly. She didn’t have time to mess with her hair.
Dressed in a pressed, creased and impeccable uniform, she presented herself in Dare’s office promptly at three-thirty. Her weary eyes devoured every detail of his appearance, from the lock of hair that tumbled onto his forehead to the broad shoulders that stretched his uniform shirt. No two ways about it, the man looked good enough to eat.
Placing the typed report on his desk, Andrea sank into the chair he indicated.
“I’ve talked to SAC HQ,” he said without preamble. “You’re the hero of the day, Andrea.”
“Me?” She kept remembering how her goose would probably have been royally cooked if Dare hadn’t followed her out onto the tarmac.
“You. I know I sounded off this morning, but I’m convinced you would have handled matters even if I hadn’t involved myself.”
Andrea blinked. “That’s very generous of you, sir.”
“Just the truth.” She looked exhausted, he thought, and troubled. What was troubling her? “I wanted to warn you that they’re sending out a reporter from the Air Force Times to do a feature story on you. He’ll be here tomorrow.”
“Oh, no.” She was horrified. “Do I have to?”
“I’m afraid so, Andrea.” He smiled faintly. “They just can’t pass up the opportunity to show you off. Female Academy graduate turns hero. If you ask me, they’ll want a picture of you in battle dress and toting your rifle.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Why? The Department of the Air Force just dropped its enlistment quotas. Now everything’s based on ability. Truly an equal opportunity environment. Do you really think they’re going to pass up a chance to justify their decision by showing that women can do the job just as well?”
“But I can’t do it just as well,” she burst out.
Astonished, Dare sat back in his chair and studied her intently. “You can, Andrea. What makes you think you can’t?”
“I’m a sham,” she said tensely, and leapt up from her chair. “The only question is what I’m going to do about it.”
Dare watched her pace, a frown on his face. “Tell me about it.”
“Last night Halliday pointed a loaded gun at me and told me I didn’t have the guts to shoot him. And he was right. I didn’t.”
Dare rubbed his chin, never taking his eyes from her. “I don’t think,” he said carefully, “that it takes guts to shoot somebody.”
“Whatever it takes, I haven’t got it.”
“You did once before, not that I’m saying that’s a good thing.”
“And that’s why I can’t do it again. If I’d done more than graze him that first time, I don’t know if I could live with myself. That’s been hard enough to deal with. All I know is that I can’t do it again. What kind of soldier does that make me?”
A wounded one, Dare thought, watching her. Nor did he feel he should be arguing in favor of shooting anyone. “You don’t think the circumstances had something to do with it?” he asked after a few moments. “After all, you were face-to-face with the guy, and he’s somebody you’ve known for a couple of years. I don’t think most of us would have been able to pull the trigger under those circumstances.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Coming to a halt, Andrea wrapped her arms around her waist and bowed her head. “I’m not sure I want to be able to pull the trigger. I told you that once before. I guess I’ve been ignoring the question, but I think it’s time to face it. I’ve got to decide whether I have what it takes to be a soldier, or even if I want to have what it takes. It’s not a game anymore, Dare. Twice, now, it’s been real.”
“I don’t think any of us want to have what it takes, or to like it, Andrea. We just do what we have to when we have to. That’s the bottom line.”
“Well, I’m not sure I can do what I have to.” She raised bleak eyes to look at him. “Some cop.”
“I don’t know about that. You handled yourself admirably last night, and you managed to do it without bloodshed. That’s something to be proud of. And I don’t know if you should be worrying because you couldn’t shoot a man who’s been a friend of sorts for the last couple of years. I don’t think we want soldiers who are capable of shooting people they know. I know I don’t want any in my command.”
He rose and came around his desk, then folded her into his arms, holding her snugly against his chest. “Don’t beat yourself with this, Andrea. Honest to God, I don’t think I could have pulled the trigger, either.”
The green eyes she lifted to his were bright with unshed tears, and the sight sent an aching shaft through his heart.
“Come home with me right now, Andrea,” he said. “The duty day’s over in fifteen minutes anyway, and after the night we put in, we’re entitled to take off. Come home and let me take care of you.”
Home. The word made her throat ache with yearning. Unable to speak, she simply nodded.
They walked together out of the building, neither of them caring any longer who saw them and what they might speculate. Dare’s only concession was that he didn’t put his arm around Andrea until they were in his Bronco.
“Let me fix you something to eat,” he said when they entered his house.
“I’m not hungry,” Andrea replied listlessly. “Really. I just need to sleep.” And I need to be held. Desperately.
He seemed to know. He helped her out of her clothes and into bed, and moments later he joined her, tucking her into the sheltering strength of his large body, stroking her hair and back with gentle hands.
“Sleep, sweetheart,” he murmured. “Sleep.”
Her hands were clenched into cold fists against his chest, and every muscle in her body was drawn tight with tension, but gradually fatigue battered down the last of her resistance. Dare felt her relax against him finally, growing soft and yielding as sleep claimed her. He brushed a light kiss against her forehead and closed his own eyes, welcoming the end of a day that had been too long and too difficult.
Andrea woke with a start in the dark, her heart racing.
“Easy, babe,” said a drowsy voice near her ear, and powerful arms surrounded her, hugging her. “It’s over.”
She turned toward him, burrowing into his warmth and strength, afraid that she was coming to depend on him too much, afraid that she wouldn’t be able to stand being alone when the time came. The person she’d thought she was didn’t seem to exist anymore. The last thing on earth she wanted to be was a dependent, clinging female, yet here she was clinging like mad and grateful she had Dare to cling to. “I’m scared,” she admitted in a whisper. “I’m so scared.”
“You’ve had a rough couple of months,” he rumbled reassuringly. “Anybody would be having a crisis of confidence.”
As always, he went right to the root of things. She could have sworn he was able to read her mind.
“You know,” he continued, “we all go through life running on automatic most of the time. Every so often, though, something comes up. Maybe it’s something that happens, or something someone says, but it shakes us up and makes us look at things differently for a while. I guess it’s good for us in the long run, but it sure isn’t fun.”
“It sure isn’t,” she agreed, nuzzling his sho