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  “I have never said ‘Piece of cake’ in my life,” Cal said. “It’s a stupid thing to say.” He took a deep breath and thought, Fuck it. “How stupid do you think I am?” he said savagely, and Min froze. “How stupid does everybody think I am?”

  “Not stupid,” she said, watching him warily now. “What’s going on?”

  “They all thought I’d made that bet with a sleaze like David.” Cal shook his head at the breadth of her betrayal. “Because you told them I made that bet. And they watched you play me, and like a fool I fell for it.”

  “You did make it,” Min said, but she sounded uncertain. “Look, I didn’t think you were stupid, I thought you were . . . awful. But then you weren’t awful so I . . . Where is this coming from? You know how I feel about you. I love you. The bet doesn’t matter—”

  “It doesn’t matter?” Cal said. “How stupid are you?”

  “Hey,” Min said, her face darkening. “Okay, look, I know this is pushing all your buttons, but get a grip. I love you, you know I love you, but I don’t have time to baby-sit you right now—”

  “Baby-sit me?” Cal clenched his jaw to keep from screaming at her, because she’d betrayed him and because he still wanted her, desperately. Get out of this, he thought, and said, “Well, you’ll never have to baby-sit me again.”

  “What?” Then she started to nod, her face twisted in anger. “Oh. I get it. Of course. You’re running. You bastard. You got what you wanted, I said ‘I love you,’ the game is over, and now you’re out the door. I knew you’d do this. I knew you’d do this.”

  “This is not about me,” Cal said, not meeting her eyes.

  “Oh, please,” Min snapped. “This is all about you. One hundred percent of your relationships end with you running away. This is you grabbing any excuse to get—”

  “Hey,” Tony said, and they both turned to see him standing in the doorway, looking madder than Cal had ever seen him. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, but whatever it is, it’s not as important as what that kid in there is going through. You’ve got the rest of your lives to fight, she needs you now.”

  “Tell Min I didn’t make that damn bet with David to have sex with her,” Cal said.

  Tony looked at Min, exasperated. “He didn’t make that bet.”

  “I heard him make the bet,” Min said. “David said that he’d have to get the gray-checked suit into bed in a month and he said, Piece of . . . cake.’ ” She looked from Tony to Cal. “Oh.”

  “I said ‘Piece of cake,’ ” Tony said. “I was wrong. I don’t care. Fight about it later. Right now, get your ass back in there and help your sister. Your mother took her champagne away because it has too many calories, and that damn bridesmaid in the green dress keeps laughing.”

  “You’re right,” Min said, stepping toward the door. “But we won’t be fighting about it later because Calvin has decided it’s time to go.”

  “You’re kidding me,” Tony said, looking at them both with contempt. “You two are the biggest babies I’ve ever seen.”

  “What?” Min said, stopping.

  “Here’s the short version,” Tony said to Min. “You’re a man-hating bitch and he’s a woman-fearing coward.” He looked at Cal. “Get over that, will you?”

  “The hell with both of you,” Min said and went back to her sister, as Cal turned on Tony.

  “They’re all like that,” Nanette was saying to Di when Min got back to them, seething. “You can’t trust any of them.” She gestured with the champagne glass she was holding. “They tell you they love you and then—”

  Min grabbed the glass out of her hand. “Here,” she said, handing it to Di. “We’re drinking about twelve bottles of this tonight, so get started.”

  “Do you know how many calories—” Nanette began.

  “Listen, you,” Min said to her. “You’re going home and throwing out every damn fashion magazine in the house. You’re going cold turkey, it’s the only thing that’s going to save you.”

  Nanette straightened. “Just because you won’t lose the weight, doesn’t mean Diana has to be fat.”

  “I’m not fat, Mother,” Min said. “But while we’re on the subject, I don’t see where not eating for fifty-five years has made you particularly happy. Go home and eat something, for Christ’s sake.” She looked around. “Where are those goddamn cake boxes?”

  “I’ll get them,” Roger said, and went fast.

  “I think that’s very sensible,” Wet said, beaming at Min.

  “And you,” Min said. “Go someplace else and gloat. In fact, go find Greg. You deserve each other. He’s a selfish bastard and you love to be beat.”

  “That’s not fair,” Wet said, back to her familiar whine.

  “Hit the road, Wet,” Liza said. “You’ve been laughing ever since you stopped hitting Worse. If you’re not going to be a comfort, have the decency to be an empty space.”

  “Well, at least I’m not Tart,” Wet said and stalked off.

  “Did she just call me a tart?” Liza said to Bonnie.

  Min sat down next to Diana in Wet’s vacated chair.

  “Here’s what we’re going to do,” she said, taking her hand. “We’re going to get those cake boxes and a case of the champagne, and we’re going back to my place.”

  “Okay,” Diana said, her voice breaking again.

  “And we’re going to eat cake and get drunk,” Min said.

  “Oh, Min,” Nanette said. “It’ll take you weeks to work off those calories.”

  Min looked at her mother for a moment and thought, This is what Diana lives with every damn day. “And then,” she said to Diana, “since you have the week off for your honeymoon, I’m going to take the week off, too, and we’re going to go house-hunting.”

  Diana stopped crying. “House-hunting?”

  “Yes,” Min said. “I’m going to buy a great two bedroom Arts and Crafts bungalow. And you’re going to move in with me.”

  “I am?” Diana said, sitting up a little.

  “Yes,” Min said. “You’ve lived with the calorie police for too long.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” Nanette said. “She is not going to move.”

  “But there are some rules,” Min said, and Diana swallowed and nodded. “There will always be butter in the refrigerator. There will be no sound tracks from Julia Roberts movies. And from now on,” she said, looking toward the door where Cal was glaring at Tony, “we only date ugly men.”

  Diana was nodding at Min. “And I’ll get out of the way on Thursday nights.”

  “Why?” Min said, mystified.

  “So you guys can have your If Dinner,” she said, and Min realized that the worst thing that had happened to Di wasn’t that she’d lost Greg, it was that she’d lost her best friends. She thought again of what it would be like if Bonnie and Liza had betrayed her, and she lost her breath at how far beyond horrible that would be.

  As bad as losing Cal.

  “You’ll come, too,” Bonnie said, putting her arm around Di.

  “Hell, yes,” Liza said, as Roger came back with a tray of cake boxes and the cake topper. She ripped the bride and groom off the cake top and put it in front of Diana and said, “Pay attention, Little Stats, we’re about to have a moment.” Diana looked up and Liza stomped on the head of the groom, shattering it into dust. “Now,” she said. “He is officially history. And if there’s a God, he has a splitting headache.”

  “I think you can count on that,” Roger said. “He got hit a lot.”

  “Good,” Liza said. “Now we’re going back to Min’s and get drunk.”

  Diana looked at Min through her tears. “Can I wear your bunny slippers?”

  “You can have my bunny slippers,” Min said, thinking of Cal in furious misery.

  She looked toward the door and saw him standing there, watching her, and then Tony was in her way, spreading out his hands, saying to Liza, “Nice job on the cake topper, ace. I suppose you had to kill the groom,” and Liza said, “