A Prison Diary Purgatory (2003) Read online

  10.00 am

  I call Chris Beetles at his gallery. It’s the opening of his Cat Show, - these ones are in frames not cages - so I don’t waste a lot of his time, and promise I’ll call him back on Monday.

  On my way back to the cell I pass Darren in the corridor and stop to ask him about Sergio, whose cell is three doors away from his.

  ‘A real gentleman,’ says Darren. ‘Keeps himself to himself. In fact I don’t know much more about him now than I did when he arrived at Wayland a year ago. He’s a Colombian, but he’s one of the few prisoners who never touches drugs. He doesn’t even smoke. You’ll like him.’

  10.30 am

  When I arrive at Sergio’s cell he checks his watch as if he assumed I’d be on time. If the Archer theory is correct - namely that you can tell everything you need to know about a prisoner from his cell - then Sergio is a neat and tidy man who likes everything in its place. He offers me his chair, while he sits on the bed. His English is good, although not fluent, and it quickly becomes clear that he has no idea who I am, which helps considerably.

  When I tell him I’m a writer, he looks interested. I promise to have one of my books (Spanish translation) sent in. An hour passes before he tells me anything about himself. He makes it clear, as if he wants the world to know, that Colombians fall into two categories: those who are involved in drugs and those who are not. He and his family come into the latter group, and he seems genuinely pleased when I tell him that I have an aversion to drugs that is bordering on the manic.

  His family, he tells me, have no idea he’s in jail. In fact his weekly call to Bogota accounts for almost his entire income. He’s divorced with no children, so the only people he has to fool are his brother, his sister and his parents. They believe he has a responsible job with an import/export company in London. He will return to Bogota in five weeks’ time. There is no need for him to purchase a plane ticket, as he will be deported. Were he ever to return to Britain, he would immediately be arrested, put back in jail, and would remain locked up until he had completed the other half of his eight-year sentence. He has no plans to come back, he tells me.

  The conversation drifts from subject to subject, to see if we can find anything of mutual interest. He has a great knowledge of emeralds, coffee and bananas - three subjects of which I know virtually nothing, other than their colour. It’s then I spot a photograph of him with, he tells me, his mother and sister. A huge smile comes over my face as he removes the picture from the shelf to allow me a closer look.

  ‘Is that a Botero?’ I ask, squinting at the painting behind his mother. He cannot hide his surprise that I should ever have heard of the maestro.

  ‘Yes it is,’ he says. ‘My mother is a friend of Botero.’

  I almost leap in the air, as I have long dreamed of adding a Botero to my art collection in London or my sculpture collection in Grantchester. In fact Chris Beetles and I travelled to Calabria two years ago to visit the great man at his foundry. Sergio quickly reveals that he knows a considerable amount about Latin American art, and names several other artists including Manzu, Rivera and Betancourt. He has met Botero, and his family are friends of Manzu. I tell him I would love to own one of their works, but both artists are way out of my price range, particularly Botero, who is considered to be the Picasso of South America. The French think so highly of him that they once held an exhibition of his sculptures along the Champs-Elysees; the first time a foreigner has been so honoured.

  ‘It’s just possible I could find one of his works at a price you could afford.’

  ‘How is that possible?’ I ask.

  Sergio then explains to me at great length what he calls the ‘Colombian mentality’.

  ‘To start with, you have to accept that my countrymen only want to deal in cash. They do not trust banks, and do not believe in cheques, which is why they regularly alternate between being rich and penniless. When they are wealthy, they buy everything in sight - jewellery, yachts, cars, houses, paintings, women, anything; when they are poor they sell everything, and the women leave them. But Colombians have no fear of selling,’ he continues, ‘because they always believe that they will be rich again… tomorrow, when they will buy back everything, even the women. I know a trader in Bogota,’ he continues, ‘who bought a Botero for a million dollars, and five years later sold it for two hundred thousand cash. Give me time and I’ll come up with a Botero at the right price,’ he pauses, ‘but I would expect something in return.’

  Am I about to find out if Sergio is a con artist, or as Darren suggested, ‘a real gentleman’?

  ‘I have a problem,’ he adds. ‘I have been in jail for four years, and when I finish half my sentence I will be deported.’ I’m trying to write notes as he speaks. ‘I will be put on a plane without any presents for my three nephews and niece.’ I don’t interrupt. Would it be possible for you to get me three Manchester United shirts for the nephews - seven, ten and eleven years old - and a Lion King outfit for my eight-year-old niece?’

  ‘Anything else?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes, I need a suitcase, because all I have is a HMP Wayland plastic bag, and,’ he hesitates, ‘I also need twenty pounds in phonecards so I can call Bogota and not worry about being cut off’

  ‘Is that it?’

  He hesitates once more. ‘I would like one hundred pounds put in my prison account so I can pick up one or two things for my family at the airport. I don’t want them to wonder why I don’t have any presents for them.’

  I consider his requests. For risk capital investment of around PS200 I would have an outside chance of owning a Botero I can afford. I nod to show that I agree to his terms.

  ‘If you do this for me’ he adds, ‘I will tell you more. In fact I have already told you more in an hour than I have any other prisoner in four years.’ He then writes down the name and address of a contact in London and says, ‘Give her the suitcase, the T-shirts and the one hundred pounds, and she will send them on to me at Wayland. That way you won’t be involved.’

  11.44 am

  I phone a friend who used to work in the T-shirt business, and pass on the order for Manchester United T-shirts and a Lion King outfit. He sounds intrigued, but doesn’t ask any questions. I then call my driver at home and explain that the items are to be delivered to a flat in north London, along with PS100 in cash. ‘Consider it done’ he says.

  11.51 am

  I cross the corridor to Dale’s room and tell him I need twenty pounds’ worth of phonecards.

  ‘Just like that, my lord?’

  ‘Just like that’ I reply. ‘Put it on my account and I’ll have the money sent through to you.’

  He opens a drawer and removes ten PS2 cards and passes them across. ‘You’ve wiped me out’ he says.

  ‘Then get back to work, because I have a feeling I’m going to need even more next week.’

  ‘Why? Are you calling America?’

  ‘Right idea. Wrong continent’

  I leave Dale and return to Sergio’s room. I hand over the ten phonecards and tell him that the other items will all have been delivered by this time tomorrow. He looks astonished.

  ‘How fortunate that you are sent to this jail, just as I am leaving.’

  I confess that I hadn’t seen it quite that way, and remind him that we have a deal.

  ‘One Botero, at a price you can afford, within a year,’ he confirms. ‘You’ll have it by Christmas.’

  When I leave him to return to my cell, I remember just how much I miss dealing, whether it’s for PS200 or PS2 million. I once watched Jimmy Goldsmith bargaining for a backgammon board with a street trader in Mexico. It took him all of forty minutes, and he must have saved every penny of PS10, but he just couldn’t resist it.

  12 noon

  Lunch. I devour a plate of Princes ham (49p) surrounded by prison beans while I watch England avoid the follow on.

  2.00 pm

  I head for the library - closed, followed by the gym - cancelled. So I’ll have to settle for a