A Prisoner of Birth Read online

  ‘Tell her if she makes it a hundred, I might just think about it.’

  ‘I think I can say on her behalf that she accepts your terms.’

  ‘So what’s the name of Aunt Maisie’s friend?’

  ‘Toby Mortimer.’

  ‘Always from the outside in,’ said Nick. ‘It’s a simple rule to follow.’

  Danny picked up the plastic spoon and began to scoop up the water that Nick had poured into his breakfast bowl.

  ‘No,’ said Nick. ‘You always tilt a soup bowl away from you, and push the spoon in the same direction.’ He demonstrated the movement. ‘And never slurp. I don’t want to hear a sound while you’re drinking your soup.’

  ‘Beth always complained about that,’ said Danny.

  ‘Me tae,’ said Big Al, not stirring from his bunk.

  ‘And Beth is right,’ said Nick. ‘In some countries it’s considered a compliment to slurp, but not in England.’ He removed the bowl and replaced it with a plastic plate on which he had put a thick slice of bread and a helping of baked beans. ‘Now, I want you to think of the bread as a lamb chop, and the baked beans as peas.’

  ‘Whit are ye using fur gravy?’ asked Big Al, not stirring from his bunk.

  ‘Cold Bovril,’ said Nick. Danny picked up his plastic knife and fork, holding them firmly, with the blade and the prongs pointing towards the ceiling. ‘Try to remember,’ said Nick, ‘that your knife and fork are not rockets on a launch pad waiting to blast off. And unlike rockets, they are going to need to refuel whenever they return to earth.’ Nick picked up the knife and fork on his side of the table and demonstrated how Danny should hold them.

  ‘It’s not natural,’ was Danny’s immediate response.

  ‘You’ll soon get used to it,’ said Nick. ‘And don’t forget that your forefinger should rest along the top. Don’t let the handle stick out between your thumb and forefinger – you’re holding a knife, not a pen.’ Danny adjusted the grip on his knife and fork in imitation of Nick, but still found the whole experience awkward. ‘Now I want you to eat the piece of bread as if it was a lamb chop.’

  ‘How wid ye like it, sir?’ grunted Big Al. ‘Medium or rare?’

  ‘You will only be asked that question,’ said Nick, ‘if you order a steak, never for a lamb chop.’

  Danny dug into his slice of bread. ‘No,’ said Nick. ‘Cut your meat, don’t tear it apart, and only a small piece at a time.’ Danny once again carried out his instructions, but then started to cut a second piece of bread while still chewing the first. ‘No,’ said Nick firmly. ‘While you’re eating, place your knife and fork on the plate, and don’t pick them up again until you’ve finished the mouthful.’ Once Danny had swallowed the piece of bread, he scooped up some beans on the end of his fork. ‘No, no, no,’ said Nick. ‘A fork isn’t a shovel. Just pierce a few peas at a time.’

  ‘But it will take for ever if I carry on this way,’ said Danny.

  ‘And don’t speak with your mouth full,’ replied Nick.

  Big Al grunted again, but Danny ignored him and cut himself another piece of bread, put it in his mouth, then placed his knife and fork back on the plate.

  ‘Good, but chew your meat for longer before you swallow it,’ said Nick. ‘Try to remember you’re a human being, not an animal’ – a comment that elicited a loud burp from Big Al. Once Danny had finished another piece of bread, he tried to pierce a couple of beans but they kept escaping. He gave up. ‘Don’t lick your knife,’ was all Nick had to say.

  ‘But if ye’d like tae, Danny boy,’ said Big Al, ‘you cin lick ma arse.’

  It was some time before Danny was able to finish his meagre meal and finally put his knife and fork down on an empty plate.

  ‘Once you’ve finished your meal,’ said Nick, ‘place your knife and fork together.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Danny.

  ‘Because when you’re eating in a restaurant, the waiter will need to know that you’ve finished your meal.’

  ‘I don’t eat in restaurants that often,’ admitted Danny.

  ‘Then I shall have to be the first person to invite you and Beth out for a meal as soon as you’ve been released.’

  ‘And what about me?’ asked Big Al. ‘Don’t I get invited?’

  Nick ignored him. ‘Now it’s time to move on to dessert.’

  ‘Pudding?’ asked Danny.

  ‘No, not pudding, dessert,’ repeated Nick. ‘If you are in a restaurant, you only ever order the starter and the main course, and not until you have finished them do you ask to see the dessert menu.’

  ‘Two menus in one restaurant?’ said Danny.

  Nick smiled as he placed a thinner slice of bread on Danny’s plate. ‘That is an apricot tart,’ he said.

  ‘An I’m in bed wi’ Cameron Diaz,’ said Big Al.

  This time Danny and Nick did laugh.

  ‘For dessert,’ said Nick, ‘you use the small fork. However, if you order a crème brûlée or ice cream, you pick up the small spoon.’

  Big Al suddenly sat bolt upright on his bunk. ‘Whit’s the fucking point of aw this?’ he demanded. ‘This isnae a restaurant, it’s a prison. The only thing Danny boy’s gonnae be eating for the next twenty years is cold turkey.’

  ‘And tomorrow,’ said Nick, ignoring him, ‘I’ll show you how to taste wine after the waiter has poured a small amount into your glass . . .’

  ‘An the day efter that,’ said Big Al, accompanied by a long fart, ‘I shall allow you to sip a sample of ma piss, a rare vintage that wull remind ye yur in prison and no in the fuckin’ Ritz.’

  24

  THE HEAVY DOOR of his single cell swung open. ‘You’ve got a parcel, Leach. Follow me and look sharp about it.’

  Leach climbed slowly off his bed, strolled out on to the landing and joined the waiting officer. ‘Thanks for fixin’ the single cell,’ he grunted as they walked down the corridor.

  ‘You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours,’ said Hagen. He didn’t speak again until they reached the stores, when he banged loudly on the double doors. The stores manager pulled them open and said, ‘Name?’

  ‘Brad Pitt.’

  ‘Don’t try it on with me, Leach, or I might have to put you on report.’

  ‘Leach, 6241.’

  ‘You’ve got a parcel.’ The stores manager turned round, took a box from the shelf behind him and placed it on the counter.

  ‘I see you’ve already opened it, Mr Webster.’

  ‘You know the regulations, Leach.’

  ‘Yes, I do,’ said Leach. ‘You are required to open any parcel in my presence, so that I can be sure nothing has been removed or planted inside.’

  ‘Get on with it,’ said Webster.

  Leach removed the lid from the box to reveal the latest Adidas tracksuit. ‘Smart piece of gear, that,’ said Webster. ‘Must have set someone back a few quid.’ Leach didn’t comment as Webster began to unzip the pockets one by one to check for any drugs contraband or cash. He found nothing, not even the usual five-pound note. ‘You can take it away, Leach,’ he said reluctantly.

  Leach picked up the tracksuit and began to walk off. He’d only managed a couple of paces before the word ‘Leach’ was bellowed after him. He turned round.

  ‘And the box, muppet,’ Webster added.

  Leach returned to the counter, placed the tracksuit back in the box and tucked it under his arm.

  ‘That will be quite an improvement on your present gear,’ remarked Hagen as he accompanied Leach back to his cell. ‘Perhaps I ought to take a closer look, since you’ve never been seen in the gym. But on the other hand, perhaps I could turn a blind eye.’

  Leach smiled. ‘I’ll leave your cut in the usual place, Mr Hagen,’ he said as the cell door closed behind him.

  ‘I can’t go on living a lie,’ said Davenport theatrically. ‘Don’t you understand that we’ve been responsible for sending an innocent man to jail for the rest of his life?’

  Once Davenport had been written out of his soap