Cat O'Nine Tales (2006) Read online

  CAN O’ NINE TALES

  And Other Stories

  Also by Jeffrey Archer

  NOVELS

  Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less

  Shall We Tell the President?

  Kane & Abel

  The Prodigal Daughter

  First Among Equals

  A Matter of Honor

  As the Crow Flies

  Honor Among Thieves

  The Fourth Estate

  The Eleventh Commandment

  Sons of Fortune

  False Impression

  SHORT STORIES

  A Quiver Full of Arrows

  A Twist in the Tale

  Twelve Red Herrings

  To Cut a Long Story Short

  The Collected Short Stories

  PLAYS

  Beyond Reasonable Doubt

  Exclusive

  The Accused

  PRISON DIARIES

  Volume One - Hell

  Volume Two - Purgatory

  Volume Three - Heaven

  SCREENPLAYS

  Mallory: Walking off the Map

  False Impression

  JEFFREY ARCHER

  CAT O’ NINE TALES

  And Other Stories

  Drawing by Ronald searle

  St. Martin’s Press New York

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  CAT O’ NINE TALES. Copyright © 2007 by Jeffrey Archer. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

  www.stmartins.com

  Drawings copyright © 2007 by Ronald Searle

  ISBN-13: 978-0-312-36264-5

  ISBN-10: 0-312-36264-1

  First published in Great Britian by Macmillan, an imprint of Pan Macmillan Ltd.

  First U.S. Edition: June 2007

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  For Elizabeth

  Contents

  Preface

  The Man Who Robbed His Own Post Office

  Maestro

  Don’t Drink the water

  It Can’t Be October Already

  The Red King

  The Wisdom Of Solomon

  Know What I Mean?

  Charity Begins At Home

  The Alibi

  A Greek Trazedy

  The Commissioner

  In the Eye Of The Beholder

  Preface

  While I was incarcerated for two years, in five different prisons, I picked up several stories that were not appropriate to include in the day-to-day journals of a prison diary. These tales are marked in the contents with an asterisk.

  Although all nine stories have been embellished, each is rooted in fact. In all but one, the prisoner concerned has asked me not to reveal his real name.

  The other three stories included in this volume are also true, but I came across them after being released from prison: in Athens -’A Greek Tragedy’, in London - The Wisdom of Solomon’, and in Rome my favourite - ‘In the Eye of the Beholder’.

  The Man Who

  Robbed His Own

  Post Office

  The Beginning

  Mr. Justice Gray Stared down at the two defendants in the dock. Chris and Sue Haskins had pleaded guilty to the theft of £250,000, being the property of the Post Office, and to falsifying four passports.

  Mr. and Mrs. Haskins looked about the same age, which was hardly surprising as they had been at school together some forty years before. You could have passed them in the street without giving either of them a second look. Chris was about five foot nine, his dark wavy hair turning gray, and he was at least a stone overweight. He stood upright in the dock, and although his suit was well worn, his shirt was clean and his striped tie suggested that he was a member of a club. His black shoes looked as if they had been spit-and-polished every morning. His wife Sue stood by his side. Her neat floral dress and sensible shoes hinted at an organized and tidy woman, but then they were both wearing the clothes that they would normally have worn to church. After all, they considered the law to be nothing less than an extension of the Almighty.

  Mr. Justice Gray turned his attention to Mr. and Mrs. Haskins’s barrister, a young man who had been selected on the grounds of cost, rather than experience.

  “No doubt you wish to suggest there are mitigating circumstances in this case, Mr. Rodgers,” prompted the judge helpfully.

  “Yes, m’lord,” admitted the newly qualified barrister as he rose from his place. He would like to have told his lordship that this was only his second case, but he felt his lordship would be unlikely to consider that a mitigating circumstance.

  Mr. Justice Gray settled back as he prepared to listen to how poor Mr. Haskins had been thrashed by a ruthless stepfather, night after night, and Mrs. Haskins had been raped by an evil uncle at an impressionable age, but no; Mr. Rodgers assured the court that the Haskins came from happy, well-balanced backgrounds and had in fact been at school together. Their only child, Tracey, a graduate of Bristol University, was now working as an estate agent in Ashford. A model family.

  Mr. Rodgers glanced down at his brief before going on to explain how the Haskins had ended up in the dock that morning. Mr. Justice Gray became more and more intrigued by their tale, and by the time the barrister had resumed his place the judge felt he needed a little more time to consider the length of the sentence. He ordered the two defendants to appear before him the following Monday at ten o’clock in the forenoon, by which time he would have come to a decision.

  Mr. Rodgers rose a second time.

  “You were no doubt hoping that I would grant your clients bail, Mr. Rodgers?” inquired the judge, raising an eyebrow, and before the surprised young barrister could respond Mr. Justice Gray said, “Granted.”

  Jasper Gray told his wife about the plight of Mr. and Mrs. Haskins over lunch on Sunday. Long before the judge had devoured his rack of lamb, Vanessa Gray had offered her opinion.

  “Sentence them both to an hour of community service, and then issue a court order instructing the Post Office to return their original investment in full,” she declared, revealing a common sense not always bestowed on the male of the species. To do him justice, the judge agreed with his spouse, although he told her that he would never get away with it.

  “Why not?” she asked.

  “Because of the four passports.”

  Mr. Justice Gray was not surprised to find Mr. and Mrs. Haskins standing dutifully in the dock at ten o’clock the following morning. After all, they were not criminals.

  The judge raised his head, stared down at them and tried to look grave. “You have both pleaded guilty to the crimes of theft from a post office and of falsifying four passports.” He didn’t bother to add any adjectives such as evil, heinous or even disgraceful, as he didn’t consider them appropriate on this occasion. “You have therefore left me with no choice,” he continued, “but to send you both to prison.” The judge turned his attention to Chris Haskins. “You were obviously the instigator of this crime, and with that in mind, I sentence you to three years’ imprisonment.” Chris Haskins was unable to hide his surprise: his barrister had warned him to expect at least five years. Chris had to stop himself from saying, thank you, my lord.

  The judge then looked across at Mrs. Haskins. “I accept that your part in this conspiracy was possibly no more than an act of loyalty to your husband. However, you are well aware of the difference between right and