If Only They Could Talk Read online

  But there was one odd character who swam repeatedly into my field of vision. An elderly little man with a soiled white panama perched above a smooth, brown, time-worn face like an old boot. He was dodging round the edge of the group, beckoning and winking.

  I could see there was something on his mind, so I broke away and allowed myself to be led to a seat in the corner. The old man sat opposite me, rested his hands and chin on the handle of his walking stick and regarded me from under drooping eyelids.

  'Now then, young man, ah've summat to tell thee. Ah've been among beasts all me life and I'm going to tell the summa'.'

  My toes began to curl. I had been caught this way before. Early in my college career I had discovered that all the older inhabitants of the agricultural world seemed to have the idea that they had something priceless to impart. And it usually took a long time. I looked around me in alarm but I was trapped. The old man shuffled his chair closer and began to talk in a conspiratorial whisper. Gusts of beery breath hit my face from six inches range.

  There was nothing new about the old man's tale - just the usual recital of miraculous cures he had wrought, infallible remedies known only to himself and many little sidetracks about how unscrupulous people had tried in vain to worm his secrets from him. He paused only to take expert pulls at his pint pot; his tiny frame seemed to be able to accommodate a surprising amount of beer.

  But he was enjoying himself and I let him ramble on. In fact I encouraged him by expressing amazement and admiration at his feats.

  The little man had never had such an audience. He was a retired smallholder and it had been years since anybody had shown him the appreciation he deserved.

  His face wore a lopsided leer and his swimmy eyes were alight with friendship. But suddenly he became serious and sat up straight.

  'Now, afore ye go, young man, I'm going to tell thee summat nobody knows but me. Ah could've made a lot o' money out o' this. Folks 'ave been after me for years to tell 'em but I never 'ave.'

  He lowered the level in his glass by several inches then narrowed his eyes to slits. 'It's the cure for mallenders and sallenders in 'oases.'

  I started up in my chair as though the roof had begun to fall in. 'You can't mean it,' I gasped. 'Not mallenders and sallenders.'

  The old man looked smug. 'Ah, but ah do mean it. All you have to do is rub on this salve of mine and the 'oss walks away sound. He's better by that!' His voice rose to a thin shout and he made a violent gesture with his arm which swept his nearly empty glass to the floor.

  I gave a low, incredulous whistle and ordered another pint. 'And you're really going to tell me the name of this salve?' I whispered.

  'I am, young man, but only on one condition. Tha must tell no one. Tha must keep it to thaself, then nobody'll know but thee and me.' He effortlessly tipped half of his fresh pint down his throat. 'Just thee and me, lad.'

  'All right, I promise you. I'll not tell a soul. Now what is this wonderful stuff?'

  The old man looked furtively round the crowded room. Then he took a deep breath, laid his hand on my shoulder and put his lips close to my ear. He hiccuped once, solemnly, and spoke in a hoarse whisper. 'Marshmallow ointment.'

  I grasped his hand and wrung it silently. The old man, deeply moved, spilled most of his final half pint down his chin.

  But Farnon was making signals from the door. It was time to go. We surged out with our new friends, making a little island of noise and light in the quiet village street. A tow-haired young fellow in shirt sleeves opened the car door with natural courtesy and, waving a final good night, I plunged in. This time, the seat went over quicker than usual and I hurtled backwards, coming to rest with my head among some Wellingtons and my knees tucked underneath my chin.

  A row of surprised faces peered in at me through the back window, but soon, willing hands were helping me up and the trick seat was placed upright on its rockers again. I wondered how long it had been like that and if my employer had ever thought of having it fixed.

  We roared off into the darkness and I looked back at the waving group could see the little man, his panama gleaming like new in the light from the doorway. He was holding his finger to his lips.

  Chapter Five.

  The past five years had been leading up to one moment and it hadn't arrived yet. I had been in Darrowby for twenty-four hours now and I still hadn't been to a visit on my own.

  Another day had passed in going around with Farnon. It was a funny thing, but, for a man who seemed careless, forgetful and a few other things, Farnon was frustratingly cautious about launching his new assistant.

  We had been over into Lidderdale today and I had met more of the clients - friendly, polite farmers who received me pleasantly and wished me success. But working under Farnon's supervision was like being back at college with the professor's eye on me. I felt strongly that my professional career would not start until I, James Herriot, went out and attended a sick animal, unaided and unobserved.

  However, the time couldn't be very far away now. Farnon had gone off to Brawton to see his mother again. A devoted son, I thought wonderingly. And he had said he would be back late, so the old lady must keep unusual hours. But never mind about that - what mattered was that I was in charge.

  I sat in an armchair with a frayed loose cover and looked out through the french windows at the shadows thrown by the evening sun across the shaggy lawn. I had the feeling that I would be doing a lot of this.

  I wondered idly what my first call would be. Probably an anti-climax after the years of waiting. Something like a coughing calf or a pig with constipation. And maybe that would be no bad thing - to start with something I could easily put right. I was in the middle of these comfortable musings when the telephone exploded out in the passage. The insistent clamour sounded abnormally loud in the empty house. I lifted the receiver.

  'Is that Mr. Farnon?' It was a deep voice with a harsh edge to it. Not a local accent; possibly a trace of the South West.

  'No, I'm sorry, he's out. This is his assistant.'

  'When will he be back?'

  'Not till late, I'm afraid. Can I do anything for you?'

  'I don't know whether you can do anything for me or not.' The voice took on a hectoring tone. 'I am Mr. Soames, Lord Hulton's farm manager. I have a valuable hunting horse with colic. Do you know anything about colic?'

  I felt my hackles rising. 'I am a veterinary surgeon, so I think I should know something about it.'

  There was a long pause, and the voice barked again. 'Well, I reckon you'll have to do. In any case, I know the injection the horse wants. Bring some arecoline with you. Mr. Farnon uses it. And for God's sake, don't be all night getting here. How long will you be?'

  'I'm leaving now.'

  'Right.'

  I heard the receiver bang down onto its rest. My face felt hot as I walked away from the phone. So my first case wasn't going to be a formality. Colics were tricky things and I had an aggressive know-all called Soames thrown in for good measure. On the eight mile journey to the case, I re-read from memory that great classic, Caulton Reek's Common Colics of the Horse. I had gone through it so often in my final year that I could recite stretches of it like poetry. The wellthumbed pages hovered in front of me, phantom-like, as I drove.

  This would probably be a mild impaction or a bit of spasm. Might have had a change of food or too much rich grass. Yet, that would be it; most colics were like that. A quick shot of arecoline and maybe some chlorodyne to relieve the discomfort and all would be well. My mind went back to the case I had met while seeing practice. The horse standing quietly except that it occasionally eased a hind leg or looked round at its side. There was nothing to it, really.

  I was elaborating this happy picture when I arrived. I drove into a spotless, gravelled yard surrounded on three sides by substantial loose boxes. A man was standing there, a broad-shouldered, thick-set figure, very trim in check cap and jacket, well-cut breeches and shiny leggings.

  The car drew up about t