It Shouldn't Happen to a Vet Read online

don't miss anything obvious like curbs or ringbones. I think I'd take

  its height while you're about it; you'll find the measuring stick in ..

  ."

  His words trailed on as I hurried down the passage. This was a bit

  baffling; I usually had a bit of leg-pulling to stand ever since I

  became Tricki the Peke's adopted uncle and received regular presents and

  letters and signed photographs from him, but Siegfried wasn't in the

  habit of flogging the joke to this extent. The idea of Mrs. Pumphrey

  with a pig was unthinkable; there was no room in her elegant

  establishment for livestock. Oh, he must have got it wrong somehow.

  But he hadn't. Mrs.-Pumphrey received me with a joyful cry. "Oh, Mr.

  Herriot, isn't it wonderful! I have the most darling little pig. I was

  visiting some cousins who are farmers and I picked him out. He will be

  such company for Tricki you know how I worry about his being an only

  dog."

  I shook my head vigorously in bewilderment as I crossed the oak-panelled

  hall. My visits here were usually associated with a degree of fantasy

  but I was beginning to feel out of my depth.

  "You mean you actually have this pig in the house."

  "But of course." Mrs. Pumphrey looked surprised. "He's in the kitchen.

  Come and see him."

  I had been in this kitchen a few times and had been almost awestruck by

  its shining spotlessness; the laboratory look of the tiled walls and

  floors, the gleaming surfaces of sink unit, cooker, refrigerator. Today,

  a cardboard box occupied one corner and inside I could see a tiny pig;

  standing on his hind legs, his forefeet resting on the rim, he was

  looking round him appreciatively at his new surroundings.

  The elderly cook had her back to us and did not look round when we

  entered; she was chopping carrots and hurling them into a saucepan with,

  I thought, unnecessary vigour.

  "Isn't he adorable!" Mrs. Pumphrey bent over and tickled the little

  head. "It's so exciting having a pig of my very own! Mr. Herriot, I have

  decided to call him Nugent."

  I swallowed. "Nugent?" The cook's broad back froze into immobility.

  "Yes, after my great uncle Nugent. He was a little pink man with tiny

  eyes and a snub nose. The resemblance is striking."

  "I see," I said, and the cook started her splashing again.

  For a few moments I was at a loss; the ethical professional man in me

  rebelled at the absurdity of examining this obviously healthy little

  creature. In fact I was on the point of saying that he looked perfectly

  all right to me when Mrs. Pumphrey spoke.

  "Come now, Nugent," she said, "You must be a good boy and let your Uncle

  Herriot look at you."

  That did it. Stifling my finer feelings I seized the string-like tail

  and held Nugent almost upside down as I took his temperature. I then

  solemnly auscultated his heart and lungs, peered into his eyes, ran my

  fingers over his limbs and flexed his joints.

  The cook's back radiated stiff disapproval but I carried on doggedly.

  Having a canine nephew, I had found, carried incalculable advantages; it

  wasn't only the frequent gifts - and I could still taste the glorious

  kippers Tricki had posted to me from Whitby - it was the vein of

  softness in my rough life, the sherry before lunch, the warmth and

  luxury of Mrs. Pumphrey's fireside. The way I saw it, if a piggy nephew

  of the same type had been thrown in my path then Uncle Herriot was going

  to be the last man to interfere with the inscrutable workings of fate.

  The examination over, I turned to Mrs. Pumphrey who was anxiously

  awaiting the verdict. "Sound in all respects," I said briskly. "In fact

  you've got a very fine pig there. But there's just one thing - he can't

  live in the house."

  For the first time the cook turned towards me and I read a mute appeal

  in her face. I could sympathise with her because the excretions of the

  pig are peculiarly volatile and even such a minute specimen as Nugent

  had already added his own faint pungency to the atmosphere in the

  kitchen.

  Mrs. Pumphrey was appalled at the idea at first but when I assured her

  that he wouldn't catch pneumonia and in fact would be happier and

  healthier outside, she gave way.

  An agricultural joiner was employed to build a palatial sty in a corner

  of the garden; it had a warm sleeping apartment on raised boards and an

  outside run. I saw Nugent installed in it, curled up blissfully in a bed

  of clean straw. His trough was filled twice daily with the best meal and

  he was never short of an extra titbit such as a juicy carrot or some

  cabbage leaves. Every day he was allowed out to play and spent a

  boisterous hour frisking round the garden with Tricki.

  In short, Nugent had it made, but it couldn't have happened to a nicer

  pig; because, though most of his species have an unsuspected strain of

  friendliness, this was developed in Nugent to an extraordinary degree.

  He just liked people and over the next few months his character flowered

  under the constant personal contact with humans.

  I often saw him strolling companionably in the garden with Mrs. Pumphrey

  and in his pen he spent much of the time standing upright with his

  cloven feet against the wire netting, waiting eagerly for his next

  visitor. Pigs grow quickly and he soon left the pink baby stage behind,

  but his charm was undiminished. His chief delight was to have his back

  scratched; he would grunt deeply, screwing up his eyes in ecstasy, then

  gradually his legs would start to buckle until finally he toppled over

  on his side.

  Nugent's existence was sunny and there was only one cloud in the sky;

  old Hodgkin, the gardener, whose attitude to domestic pets had been

  permanently soured by having to throw rubber rings for Tricki every day,

  now found himself appointed personal valet to a pig. It was his duty to

  feed and bed down Nugent and to supervise his play periods. The idea of

  doing all this for a pig who was never ever going to be converted into

  pork pies must have been nearly insupportable for the old countryman;

  the harsh lines on his face deepened whenever he took hold of the meal

  bucket.

  On the first of my professional visits to his charge he greeted me

  gloomily with "Haste come to see Nudist?" I knew Hodgkin well enough to

  realise the impossibility of any whimsical word-play; it was a genuine

  attempt to grasp the name and throughout my nephew's long career he

  remained "Nudist' to the old man.

  There is one memory of Nugent which I treasure. The telephone rang one

  day just after lunch; it was Mrs. Pumphrey and I knew by the stricken

  voice that something momentous had happened; it was the same voice which

  had described Tricki Woo's unique symptoms of flop-bott and crackerdog.

  "Oh, Mr. Herriot, thank heavens you are in. It's Nugent! I'm afraid he's

  terribly ill."

  "Really? I'm sorry to hear that. What's he doing."

  There was a silence at the other end except for gasping breathing then

  Mrs. Pumphrey spoke again. "Well, he can't manage ... he can't do ...

  do his little Jobs."

  I was fam