The Unknown Ajax Read online

  ‘A beautiful pair, sir,’ he said, tenderly setting them down. ‘Hoby, of course, as anyone that knows a boot can see at a glance. It quite goes to one’s heart to see them mishandled. Not that Wellow doesn’t do his best, according to his lights, but I fear he will never rise above Bayly’s Blacking.’

  ‘What do you use?’ enquired Hugo. ‘Champagne? Above my touch!’

  ‘I have a recipe of my own, sir,’ replied Crimplesham, putting him in his place. ‘The care of a gentleman’s boots is quite an Art, as I don’t doubt you are aware.’ He picked up one of the stretchers and inserted it carefully into the boot. ‘You are, if I may be permitted to say it, sir, particular as to your boots. It occurs to me – but possibly you have made your arrangements already!’

  For a surprised moment Hugo wondered whether Crimplesham was about to offer him his services, but in this he showed his ignorance of the world of ton: had he been the heir to a dukedom Crimplesham would not for an instant have contemplated an engagement so prejudicial to his career. Nothing that even the great Robinson, who had been Mr Brummell’s valet, could do would avail to turn a man of the Major’s size and powerful build into a Tulip of Fashion.

  ‘If you haven’t yet engaged a valet, sir, I venture to think that I might be able to put my hand on just such a one as might suit you,’ Crimplesham said. ‘A nephew of my own, sir, whose name occurs to me because he has previously been employed by a military gentleman like yourself. A conscientious young man, sir, and one for whom I can vouch. Should you desire to interview him I should be happy to arrange it – without, of course, wishing to put myself forward unbecomingly.’

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ promised Hugo, adding, as a discreet knock sounded on the door: ‘Yes, come in!’

  The door opened to admit Polyphant, profuse in apologies for intruding upon the Major, but imperfectly concealing the jubilation that filled his soul. Mr Vincent had rung his bell three times, he explained, with spurious concern, and was now demanding to have Crimplesham sent instantly to his room. ‘So I ventured to come to inform him of it, sir, feeling sure you would pardon me. Very put-out, Mr Vincent is, though, of course, I explained to him that Crimplesham was assisting you with your toilet, sir!’

  ‘Well, you’d better make haste and go to him,’ Hugo advised Crimplesham. ‘You can tell him I kept you.’

  ‘It will not be necessary, sir,’ replied Crimplesham calmly. He rose unhurriedly from his knees, and carried the top-boots over to the wall, setting them down very precisely. ‘You need not wait, Polyphant,’ he said, to that gentleman’s speechless fury. ‘Since you have been so kind as to bring me Mr Vincent’s message, perhaps you will inform him that I shall be with him directly.’ He met Polyphant’s goggling stare with a faint, bland smile before nodding dismissal to him, and turning away.

  It was almost more than flesh and blood could bear. A severe struggle took place in Polyphant’s breast before his more primitive self yielded to the dictates of propriety, and he withdrew again from the room.

  Crimplesham then satisfied himself that the Major’s evening attire was correctly laid out for him, begged him to give his shoes a final rub with a handkerchief, to remove any possible fingermarks, and bowed himself out in good order.

  This episode had more than one repercussion, for not only did it make Vincent late for dinner, which all concerned in it had foreseen, but it very much vexed Claud, and decided Hugo to lose no more time in engaging a valet of his own.

  Claud, learning from Polyphant that Crimplesham’s services had been preferred, was deeply mortified, and took a pet, for which, as he was all too ready to explain, there was every justification. He had taken on himself the onerous task of giving his cousin a new touch; he had devoted the whole of one afternoon to the problem of how best to achieve a respectable result when confronted by a subject who refused to purchase a new coat; and when, having reached the decision that a more modish style in neckcloths would make a vast improvement to Hugo’s appearance, he had gone his length, giving up several of his own neckcloths for Hugo’s use, and changing his dress for dinner hours too early, so that Polyphant might be free to instruct Hugo in the art of arranging these, his only reward had been to have his self-sacrifice flung in his face.

  ‘Nay, I never did that!’ protested Hugo.

  ‘Flung in my face!’ repeated Claud. ‘I dashed well exhausted myself trying to think how to do the trick. Yes, and I was ready to go through stitch with it, even when I realized I should have to lend you some of my own neckcloths, because yours are all too paltry! I made Polyphant take three of my new muslin ones, so that he could turn you out in a Mathematical tie, for it can’t be done with a cloth less than two foot wide, and I know dashed well you’ve nothing except what serves for that miserable Osbaldeston which you keep on wearing! And even so,’ he added, somewhat inconsequently, but with immense bitterness, ‘it couldn’t have been anything but a shabby affair, because your shirt-points ain’t high enough.’

  ‘Happen it’s all for the best!’ suggested Hugo.

  ‘I’ll be damned if it is! And don’t say happen when you mean perhaps! Best, indeed! When you’ve put Polyphant into the hips, sending him off and letting that impudent fellow of Vincent’s wait on you!’

  That made the Major laugh. ‘Nay, that’s doing it much too brown! You’re not going to tell me that that niminy-piminy fribble was pining to waste his talents on me!’

  ‘I should rather think not!’ retorted Claud. ‘Why, it took me the better part of an hour to coax him into it! And the chances are I shouldn’t have done it then if I hadn’t hit on the idea of telling him it didn’t signify, because not even he could make you look elegant! Naturally that put him on his mettle. Well, he saw what a triumph it would be! I’m not surprised he’s got a fit of the blue-devils, but I’ll tell you this, coz! – I resent it! You may think it a chuck-farthing matter, but that’s just what it ain’t! When Polyphant gets moped there’s no saying what he may do. Why, the last time he fell into a fit of dejection he handed me a Joliffe Shallow to wear in the Park! I’ve a dashed good mind to wash my hands of you!’

  ‘Perhaps you should,’ agreed Hugo sympathetically. ‘It’s plain I’m a hopeless case. You know, I warned you you couldn’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.’

  But a gleam had come into Claud’s lack-lustre eye. His frown lifted; he ejaculated: ‘By Jupiter, I will, though! Well, what I mean is, it can be done! Just proved it!’

  ‘Who has?’ asked Hugo, all at sea.

  ‘You have! You said perhaps! Said it to the manner born, what’s more! In the very nick of time, because I don’t mind telling you I’d lost heart. Well, if it don’t all go to show!’

  ‘Ee, I was always a great gowk!’ said Hugo, suffering another bad relapse.

  When Vincent entered the saloon it was ten minutes past six, and he was greeted, inevitably, by a demand from his grandfather to know what the devil had been keeping him. There was a deep cleft between his brows, but he replied languidly: ‘Accept my apologies, sir! I regret infinitely that I have been obliged to keep you waiting, but I cannot – I really cannot! – be expected to scramble into my clothes, under any circumstances whatsoever. Certainly not to suit my cousin’s convenience, which, I must own, is not an object with me.’

  ‘I don’t know what the devil you’re talking about!’ said his lordship irritably. ‘I’ll thank you to –’

  ‘Nay, but I do,’ intervened Hugo guiltily. ‘I’m reet sorry, lad!’

  ‘Not reet, and not lad!’ begged Claud.

  ‘You have your uses, brother,’ observed Vincent.

  ‘Now, that will do!’ said Matthew sharply. ‘Let us have one evening free from bickering between you two!’

  ‘You are mistaken, sir: I am profoundly grateful to Claud.’

  ‘Profoundly ill-tempered!’ said Matthew.

  ‘It’s my blame,’ said Hugo remor