Hunger Moon Rising Read online

  “Because we didn't channel it,” I said. “In order to achieve a specific goal you have to focus on that goal before raising the energy. You have to be aware of what you want to achieve and direct the power toward that end result as it peaks. I don't know about you, but at the Mabon ceremony I wasn't concentrating on anything but getting through the experience in one piece.”

  “You were thinking about how to get through what I was doing to you even though you hated it.” The bitterness was back in Ben's voice and he looked away from me, not meeting my eyes.

  “That's not true,” I insisted. “Look, I admit I was frightened at first. You were so big, so wild, so…” I waved a hand in the air, “I don't know—almost overwhelming. And you know what my last relationship was like. But when I…when I offered myself to you, it was with my whole heart. I wanted you Ben—needed you.”

  He was looking at me now, and it was my turn to blush but I met his eyes steadily, unwilling to look away. I wanted him to see the truth of my words in my face.

  His brown eyes softened a little, but there was still a look of stubborn determination on his strong features.

  “That's sweet of you to say, Dani.” He cupped my cheek in his palm and traced my lips with his thumb in a way that sent slow fire through my veins. “But I'm just not willing to take a chance on hurting you again. Not even to change McKinsey back to her rightful form. Nothing is worth more to me that your safety. Nothing. And, well, I just…I guess I just don't trust myself. Not where you're concerned anyway.”

  “I trust you, Ben,” I told him, as I had earlier. I could feel the yearning coming from him in waves, the longing to let himself go and be with me, but his self doubt was standing in the way. I had to find a way to show him that he was worthy of my love and trust. A way to show him he could be gentle while he loved me—that every time didn't have to be like the wild orgy of the Mabon ceremony. Suddenly I had an idea.

  “We don't have to really make love to do this if you don't want to,” I said, hoping like hell that what I was planning would work. “We just have to raise sexual energy. I've been doing some research, and it's possible to raise power without consummating the act.”

  “How are we going to do that?” Ben's voice was flat and disbelieving.

  “We simulate it,” I said. I leaned forward and took his hands in mine. “Please, Ben, help me try. This means so much to me, and you won't have to worry about hurting me because we won't actually do anything. Please?”

  He nodded somewhat reluctantly, I thought. “Well…all right. But how do we, uh, go about it?”

  “We start out the same way we would if we were actually doing the entire thing,” I said, trying to sound confident. “In fact, we're going to do everything but, if you know what I mean.”

  “I think I get it,” Ben said dryly, but there was a hunger in his eyes that gave me hope and the courage to continue. “Is this a ceremony we're supposed to perform?”

  “In a way,” I said. “A kind of free-form ceremony, if you will. But while we do this, we need to be thinking of our goal—focusing mentally on what we want to achieve.” I cleared my throat. “I, uh, need to anoint you with oil first. And then you anoint me.”

  “All right.” Ben shrugged. “Anoint away.”

  “Well…” I hesitated a moment before taking the plunge. “For this to really work, you need to be, uh, naked.”

  “Fine.” He stood up with careless grace and peeled down the skin-tight jeans, then kicked them to the side. In the firelight his body was magnificent. The warm glow played over his muscular chest, lapping at his narrow hips and the dark shadow between his legs where his cock was already half hard. I caught my breath. Why had I never allowed myself to notice his physical beauty before all this started? Had I really been so afraid of getting involved emotionally that I had blinded myself to everything Ben had to offer? So many nights I had cuddled with him on the couch, my chest pillowed on that rock-hard chest and never even dreamed of doing anything more. But my eyes were open now and I wanted more—much more than a friendly cuddle.

  “…you?” Ben's voice brought me back to reality, and I realized that I had just been staring at him without registering anything he said.

  “Sorry.” I blushed and cleared my throat, trying to keep my eyes above his waist. “I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?”

  “I said what about you? Don't you have to be naked, too? If you're acting the priestess role in this, I mean.” Ben gestured vaguely but the fire was back in his eyes. It boosted my self esteem again to know that he wanted to see me in the nude, but I was still embarrassed.

  “Oh, uh, yeah. Sure,” I mumbled. Why is it that guys are always so much more comfortable with their bodies than women are? I went to the gym four or five times a week religiously, and except for the occasional ice cream splurge, I practically lived on rabbit food. But still, I felt shy. I wished for a little of the Goddess-given loss of inhibition that I had experienced at the Mabon ceremony, but as I said earlier, I was the only one inhabiting my body that night.

  Ben's eyes softened. “You don't have to if you don't want to,” he said, obviously sensing my unease.

  “I want to,” I said, fumbling with the long row of mother of pearl buttons. “I just…if I can get these damn buttons to cooperate…”

  “Here.” Ben brushed my trembling hands away. “May I?” he asked, but the heat in his gaze belied the too-polite words. Biting my lip, I nodded, and he began working on the buttons himself. I gasped as I felt the warmth of his knuckles brushing the sides of my breasts and the rounded planes of my abdomen. He went lower, deliberately slowing down, and I felt a flash of desire zip through me as he brushed the neatly trimmed thatch of curls between my thighs. Then the last button came loose.

  “Ready?” Ben looked into my eyes, still holding the unbuttoned gown closed. I nodded again and he pulled it open, then let it drop to the ground at my feet. I stared fixedly into the fire as I felt his gaze take me in—all of me. “Beautiful,” he breathed at last. “You're so Goddamned beautiful, Dani. And so different, too.”

  “Different how?” I looked at him, raising an eyebrow in question.

  “Well…” He seemed to be groping for words. “The last time I saw you like this was in the moonlight and your body—you, I mean—were all silvery. Almost ethereal. And I had the Hunger Moon riding me, urging me to do things…” He shook his head, a look of sorrow flickering through his eyes. “I just…I guess I didn't get a chance to stop and appreciate how striking you are. Your full breasts, the cup of your navel…” He gestured lower.

  “Say it,” I whispered, suddenly needing to hear it from his mouth. He'd had no trouble uttering profanities during the Mabon ceremony, but we had been wild then—uncontrolled. Now it was just Ben and me, naked in the firelight, wanting each other so badly we were nearly trembling. Or at least I was trembling.

  “Your pussy,” Ben murmured, meeting my eyes. “I love the way it looks when you get hot. The way the lips get so swollen and wet, the way your clit throbs against my tongue when I eat you.” He wasn't touching me at all, but I felt his words like a physical caress against my skin. “I love the way you taste,” he said, holding my eyes with his, not letting me look away. “Hot and salty and sweet. I love to spread your pussy open and go down on you. Love to press my tongue inside you and feel you pull on my hair and scratch my back when you come so hard all over my face.”

  “God, Ben.” My breath was coming hard and fast in little pants, and I could feel my heart pounding in every part of my body at once. My nipples tightened with need, and the wetness was growing between my thighs. I wanted to look away, wanted to break the too-intimate eye contact we had established, but somehow I couldn't. Had I really thought I was in control of this situation? I literally felt weak in the knees, but I knew I had to get hold of myself if I wanted to direct this ceremony in the way I needed it to go.

  Tearing my eyes from his at last, I leaned over and got the warm bottle of sweet alm