Uganda Be Kidding Me Read online

  We got to our bush breakfast that morning just in time for me to use the restroom.

  Our discussion returned to the topic of twin beds.

  “Twin beds with mosquito nets. Very lush,” I said. “I’ve always wanted to sleep in a twin. I love twin beds. I always wanted one when I was a child.”

  Rex perked up once he was able to get a Bloody Mary into his system.

  “I don’t understand this obsession you have with twin beds. Didn’t you have a twin bed growing up?” Molly asked.

  “For a bit, but I mostly had a king. I stole my parents’ mattress off their bed frame and switched my twin out.”

  “Without the bed frame?” Sue asked.

  “I don’t think that’s really the point of this story,” Molly stated.

  I answered what I thought was a valid question from Sue. “Yes, without the frame. It was after the third or fourth time my parents forgot to pick me up from Hebrew school. I had had it. It took me almost two hours to walk home, and when I got there, I marched straight upstairs and switched out my mattress with theirs.”

  “How old were you?” asked Sue.

  “You can be very strong when you’re determined,” I reassured her. “I was nine.”

  “And what did your parents do?”

  “Nothing,” Simone told them. “Everyone was scared of Chelsea. My mom just started sleeping on the twin, and my dad just slept on the couch. I don’t think anyone even mentioned it.”

  “It’s not like it was a total convenience for me,” I added. “The king took up almost my entire bedroom. I couldn’t even open my door all the way before it hit the mattress.”

  We went for another ride and saw a bunch of animals that we had already seen before but in another setting, so the morning trip was pleasant. We also saw a lion walking with a dead impala in his mouth, which prompted Shelly to remind Z that we still hadn’t seen a live kill.

  “Hopefully, later tonight. It doesn’t look like anything’s happening right now,” Z told us.

  “It doesn’t just happen when you want it to,” Rex chimed in.

  When we got back to the lodge I got out of the jeep and was walking on the wooden ramp that led to the main deck when I saw it. “Sna-sna-sna-snake!!!” I yelled and ran as fast as I could up the bridge, grabbing Simone along with me to the closest wall. Once there, I smacked her across the face. Then I backed up against the wall and wrapped my arms around her body, pinning it against mine.

  Simone is well versed in my histrionics and knows what happens when I see a snake. She barely flinched when I smacked her. Rex was looking at me cross-eyed. “This is coming from the same person who wanted to get stampeded by an elephant a week ago.”

  “Sn-a-a-a-a-a-ke!” I yelled at the top of my lungs and lunged onto the ramp that led to the deck of the camp.

  “You’re going to have to get rid of the snake,” Simone told everyone who had stopped in their tracks, wondering if I was serious.

  “You’re in Africa!” one of the Africans working at the camp said with a big smile on his face. “He’s just a little guy sunbathing!”

  “A little guy?” I shouted from behind Simone. “A little guy doesn’t keep moving once their head is chopped off.” Snakes are disgusting, and I wish they would all go die in a snowstorm. “I fucking hate snakes!” I told him.

  “You don’t understand,” Simone told him. “She’ll go into anaphylactic shock.”

  The man picked the snake up with a stick and threw him into the bushes, which sent me even more into a tizzy. Snakes in any form—big ones, little ones, thick or thin, in the air, on the ground—I don’t know which is worse. They all make me sick to my stomach. I’d sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.

  Once we recovered from that, we all gathered on the deck for our afternoon cocktails. I went to my room to change, and when I came back I walked into this conversation:

  “You have to understand my sister,” Simone said. “She’s the biggest fuckup of the family, but she’s also the most successful. That can be very conflicting, plus, she’s the baby.” This discussion held no interest for me, so I went over to Shelly and told her there was something stuck on the roof of my mouth.

  “Well, do you think you burned it?” Shelly asked me. “Or do you think there’s really something stuck?”

  “I feel like I there’s something lodged in there.” I opened my mouth so Shelly could give me an oral examination.

  “I see it. It looks like you may have poked yourself in the mouth. There’s a little bump inside your mouth and it’s very red.”

  “This conversation is riveting,” Hannah proclaimed.

  “I think you need to start traveling with a physician,” Sue suggested.

  “And a rabbi,” Hannah added.

  “Do you think it was one of those pretzels from Camp Dumbo?” I queried.

  “That was three days ago,” Hannah said.

  “Yeah, but it’s been hurting ever since then.”

  “There must be something wrong with those pretzels,” Shelly declared.

  “I wish I could go to the bathroom,” I announced. “All I do is pee.”

  “Have you thought about an enema?” Rex asked.

  “No, because then I would have to get one, too,” Shelly replied.

  “A dual enema,” Sue concurred.

  “The last time I had an enema, I slept for three days. I was too weak to even report the incident.”

  We didn’t end up going on our afternoon ride because we all needed to recover from the snake. I sat in my sister’s arms shivering like the girl in the movie Jaws after she saw the shark. The next morning Simone would be leaving, and the five of us and Rex would move on to Camp Mambo, which was also in Botswana. I needed to get as much snuggle time with her as possible.

  Later that night, we all went over to Sue and Hannah’s room to lie on their twin beds before our last meal at Vurumba.

  I looked at Sue, who was slathering on what appeared to be sunblock before dinner.

  “Is that sunblock?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’m putting some on in case I pass out outside tonight. Everyone else has made a mockery of themselves. I don’t see why I can’t take a turn.”

  Dinner was pretty mellow, and when Molly and I got back to our room, we lay in bed discussing what an amazing trip we’d had. That was when we heard something outside trudging through water. Molly and I tiptoed over to the window, opened the glass door, and walked on to the deck. There was a hippo less than ten feet in front of us just taking a stroll in the middle of the night. It was amazing. For some reason I was in front of Molly; she was gripping my body and practically choking me.

  “Don’t you think you should be in front?” I asked her.

  “Probably,” and then we changed positions.

  The next morning we had all packed our bags and were having our last breakfast at Camp Vurumba.

  “Chels, there is an entire pile of folded clothing on your bed. Did you want me to pack that?” Molly asked, sitting down at the table.

  “No. I was just going to leave it for the staff. It’s not like I’m ever going to wear cargo pants again.”

  “What makes you think the staff wants your used clothing?” Molly asked me.

  “Well, I don’t really know the answer to that, but let me try and think of one. Oh, here’s an idea. Maybe because they’re all walking around with baskets on their heads?”

  “Well, we are in Africa,” Sue said.

  “This is their lifestyle,” Rex added. “It’s not like they’re walking around in cargo shorts, either.”

  “Okay!” I exclaimed. “I’m so sorry that I’m trying to do something nice for someone. Fine, Molly, we’ll take the clothes. Maybe Chunk will want to wear them. Fuck, can’t I do anything right?”

  “Is there anything in the safe?” Molly asked me, going over my checklist.

  “Just my underwear, but we should probably leave it